Han Solo to Lando: “Not a scratch, you said!”

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

In happier times.

Hey Lando,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to see you in person. Things got a little bit nuts right after the battle and the Ewoks insisted on throwing a little BBQ. One drink turned into about seven or thirteen, and then her royal highness-of-no-existing-planet starts giving me the business, blah blah blah…let’s just say I’m not so scruffy-lookin’ no more.

(I’m saying I hit it.)

Pay up, Antilles!

Who’s the CHICK?!

Another entry in “Letters from Dagobah”

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

To: General Anakin Skywalker
From: Senator Padme Amidala, Naboo delegation
Subject: Who’s the CHICK?

Hello “darling,”

Let me get this straight: I don’t see you for months because you’re “fighting the separatists,” I risk life and limb to keep you from getting dropped into a Rancor pit, and the next time I see you, you’re playing grab ass across the galaxy with a piece of Togruta jail bait?!? This is a joke, right?

Why can’t I have a double bladed lightsaber?

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

REQUEST FORM:
From: Obi Wan Kenobi, Jedi Member
To: Lightsaber Acquisitions, Jedi Council

 

Yoda, there's no way that republic credit came from my ear.

EQUIPMENT REQUESTED: Double Bladed Lightsaber. Can we do tangerine for the blade? I’ve just always liked tangerine. Can’t explain it.

SUPERVISOR’S SIGNATURE: Uh…he’s dead. He was killed by a Sith Lord wielding a double-bladed lightsaber.

PURPOSE: How come you guys never told me there were double-bladed lightsabers?? I don’t know if you got my after-action report, but Qui-Gon was killed by one of those babies, and if it’s good enough for Sith, it’s good enough for me. And please don’t give me any of that “only the evil Sith can wield such a device” crap again. You said that when you took my Playstation 3, and I’m certain I’ve heard Yoda in his “meditation chamber” playing Madden. Seriously, I’m starting to notice that the Sith have all the really cool, extremely deadly weapons. This really has to stop.

And while we’re on the subject, have you noticed that the Sith are all really cool looking? Maul nearly made me piss my robes, and all we had in the looks department was Qui-Gon’s immaculately kept beard. You know he used to trim that thing with his lightsaber? Fuck the Force, that was always amazing. I digress.