I Think Lord Vader Is Gay


Letters From Dagobah: Written comedy from the Star Wars universe.

“I think Lord Vader is gay.”

What, you think WE designed these uniforms?

From: Lt. Preston Cole, Imperial Navy, Executor bridge crew

To: Lt. George Grant, Imperial Navy, Engineering

Subject: Check around before you open this.

First things first: You cheated yesterday in whack-a-Jawa. You know it. I know it.

He's not even LOOKING at her!

I’ve been on the bridge of the Executor for a few months now, and you know I’ve had plenty of piss-your-pants moments with Lord Vader. For a seven-foot tall asthmatic that can’t walk properly, he sneaks up on me more than I’d care to admit. Vader’s terrifying: he enslaves planets, he slaughtered legions of Wookiees, and he chokes dudes by thinking about it.

The lady officers and the dark groupies around here love that stuff. The black suit, all those hours silently staring out into space, the mass murders, it’s gold. It works. I have seen girls actually throw themselves at his black meditation egg. Granted, they’re instantly evaporated by the chamber’s security system, but I think that’s an indication of how badly ladies want to get underneath that suit. He can get out of that thing, right?

But here’s the thing: for all the females in our military who are positively moist by his history of violence, none of them have bedded the Darth Vader, and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s not like it’s forbidden; remember when Emperor Palpatine broadcasted his sex tape…well, remember when we were forced to watch that? If an eleventy-billion year old guy with a face like melted silly putty can pull three barely legal Togrutas and a surprisingly flexible Mandalorian, what exactly is holding Vader back?

Darth Vader has to be gay.

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Han Solo to Lando: “Not a scratch, you said!”


Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

In happier times.

In happier times.

Hey Lando,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to see you in person. Things got a little bit nuts right after the battle and the Ewoks insisted on throwing a little BBQ. One drink turned into about seven or thirteen, and then her royal highness-of-no-existing-planet starts giving me the business, blah blah blah…let’s just say I’m not so scruffy-lookin’ no more.

(I’m saying I hit it.)

Pay up, Antilles!

Pay up, Antilles!

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Who’s the CHICK?!


Another entry in “Letters from Dagobah”

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

To: General Anakin Skywalker
From: Senator Padme Amidala, Naboo delegation
Subject:
Who’s the CHICK?

Hello “darling,”

Let me get this straight: I don’t see you for months because you’re “fighting the separatists,” I risk life and limb to keep you from getting dropped into a Rancor pit, and the next time I see you, you’re playing grab ass across the galaxy with a piece of Togruta jail bait?!? This is a joke, right?

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Why can’t I have a double bladed lightsaber?


Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

REQUEST FORM:
From: Obi Wan Kenobi, Jedi Member
To: Lightsaber Acquisitions, Jedi Council

 

Yoda, there's no way that republic credit came from my ear.

Yoda, there's no way that republic credit came from my ear.

EQUIPMENT REQUESTED: Double Bladed Lightsaber. Can we do tangerine for the blade? I’ve just always liked tangerine. Can’t explain it.

SUPERVISOR’S SIGNATURE: Uh…he’s dead. He was killed by a Sith Lord wielding a double-bladed lightsaber.

PURPOSE: How come you guys never told me there were double-bladed lightsabers?? I don’t know if you got my after-action report, but Qui-Gon was killed by one of those babies, and if it’s good enough for Sith, it’s good enough for me. And please don’t give me any of that “only the evil Sith can wield such a device” crap again. You said that when you took my Playstation 3, and I’m certain I’ve heard Yoda in his “meditation chamber” playing Madden. Seriously, I’m starting to notice that the Sith have all the really cool, extremely deadly weapons. This really has to stop.

And while we’re on the subject, have you noticed that the Sith are all really cool looking? Maul nearly made me piss my robes, and all we had in the looks department was Qui-Gon’s immaculately kept beard. You know he used to trim that thing with his lightsaber? Fuck the Force, that was always amazing. I digress.

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“Hoth Sucks” by Wedge Antilles


 

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

Yep, hero of the rebellion. Freezing his ass off.

Yep, hero of the rebellion. Freezing his ass off.

 FROM: Wedge Antilles
TO: Rebel Alliance Command
SUBJECT: There weren’t any WARM places for the secret base?

Hey guys,

I understand the entire Empire is looking for us and we’re laying low after we pretty much destroyed their biggest toy, but who chose the ice planet Hoth for our secret permanent base? There is, with no exaggeration, nothing to do around here.

I appreciate that you’ve been trying to keep the mood light, but Ice Cream Social Saturday got old after a week. Ice chunks are always falling from the ceiling and down my collar, I pretty much just skate everywhere, and daylight lasts for about four and a half hours. I know the Rebels are strapped for cash these days, but you couldn’t have bought a secret base location on a temperate planet? Really?

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Who in blue f**k PROMOTED Jar Jar Binks?


Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

The case has been made of Gungan abortions.

The case has been made of Gungan abortions.

BATTLEFIELD REPORT
FROM: Sarge Tanks
TO: Boss Nass
SUBJECT: Pre-action report, battle of Naboo

Boss Nass,

Weesa just arrived on thisa right flank of Gungan battle formation. Weesa standing by for orders and…wait. Wait wait wait. That’s not Jar Jar Binks on a Kaadu, is it? Stand by, I have to check this out.

WHAT? What do you mean, “Jar Jar Binks is a Bombad General?” Are you kidding me? Didn’t we banish this flop-eared bastard for “clumsiness?” Do you remember that? Why are we making him a leader of our grand army??

 

 

Do you know who I am? I’m part of Gunga Squad! I’m special forces, bitch! I’ve killed scores of underwater creatures and humans…I mean…I’m a veteran! Ten years of faithful service keeping our dominion safe, and you put that klutzy douche on a mount? Against battle droids? What’s wrong with you?

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Letters From Dagobah: What’s a Jedi gotta do to get laid around here?


 

Come out with us tonight or I'm telling the padawans that you stalk their myspace.

Come out with us tonight or I'm telling the padawans that you stalk their myspace.

From: Jacen Solo

To: Ben Skywalker

SUBJECT: Dude, we gotta get laid tonight.


What up, hutt?

You like that? We gotta start calling each other “hutt.” We’ll be so street. Listen, dude, this day is draggin’. It’s like mid-day and Master Katarn is crawling up my ass. I’ve got about one more hour of looking at star charts before I go Order 66 up in this piece…too soon?

 

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