Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”
From: Obi Wan Kenobi, Jedi Member
To: Lightsaber Acquisitions, Jedi Council
EQUIPMENT REQUESTED: Double Bladed Lightsaber. Can we do tangerine for the blade? I’ve just always liked tangerine. Can’t explain it.
SUPERVISOR’S SIGNATURE: Uh…he’s dead. He was killed by a Sith Lord wielding a double-bladed lightsaber.
PURPOSE: How come you guys never told me there were double-bladed lightsabers?? I don’t know if you got my after-action report, but Qui-Gon was killed by one of those babies, and if it’s good enough for Sith, it’s good enough for me. And please don’t give me any of that “only the evil Sith can wield such a device” crap again. You said that when you took my Playstation 3, and I’m certain I’ve heard Yoda in his “meditation chamber” playing Madden. Seriously, I’m starting to notice that the Sith have all the really cool, extremely deadly weapons. This really has to stop.
And while we’re on the subject, have you noticed that the Sith are all really cool looking? Maul nearly made me piss my robes, and all we had in the looks department was Qui-Gon’s immaculately kept beard. You know he used to trim that thing with his lightsaber? Fuck the Force, that was always amazing. I digress.
All the Sith I’ve fought have either had incredible tattoos, really elaborate armor, or they’ve been absurdly hot; generally all the stuff that’s intimidating and leaves enemies frightened/strangely aroused. I mean, come on. Darth Maul had horns around his head; I have a rat-tail that you won’t let me cut. Can you see how I kinda feel ridiculous?
Please give me a double-bladed lightsaber. It’s the least you can do after you threw us into that cluster fuck also known as the Battle of Naboo. I’m minus a Master and saddled with this idiot kid who thinks he’s the lead in “Fast & The Furious: Tatooine Drift.” In the name of the Force, if I’m going to be stuck with this added baggage, I deserve a better weapon. It’ll go great with my “fly or die” lower back tattoo.
SIGNATURE: Obi-Wan Kenobi