Jersey Shore Review: The Hangover

JERSEY SHORE REVIEW:

THE RISE AND FALL OF THE RONNIE EMPIRE

Do you, bro.

Full disclosure: In my notes for this episode (and yes, sadly I do write notes about this show) I wrote in all caps: I LOVE THIS SHOW. So that’s two strikes for me so far.

Ronnie does mad work

So Ronnie won the breakup and earned the nickname IFF that definitely involves the word fuck but MTV bleeped the whole thing so we never definitively know what it is. I’m ___ ___. Not so much win there, MTV editors.

Situation’s all pissed at Ronnie because Situation doesn’t do as well as Smush. When discussing the premiere, Roommate Ryan had a hilarious observation about The Scenario’s thought process every night around 3am:

1. I’m gonna my dick wet. Fuck yea!
2. Oh hello, obliques.
3. Are those cameras? NICE.
4. FUCK. These chicks are busted and I claim to bag models constantly.
Do that thing where you pretend to come out of your black-out and
insult them on national television.
5. ::takes photo of his abs with blackberry. Grabs lotion and goes to
bed:: The only one who is hot enough for The Situation is The
Situation. Tell your friends.”

I wonder if the cast has to ask the producers if they can bring girls back to the place. That’s just funny to think about. It’s like asking your parents if your friend can come over, but instead of playing Ninja Turtles you’re having sex in a hot tub on camera.

PaulyD giggles and marvels at Ronnie’s oblivation. PaulyD is the Manny Ramirez of this show. He’s colorful and has at least one gold confessional scene an episode, but you’re never going to build a whole episode around him. He just makes you feel good and he’s likely stoned the entire time. Remember the Israeli girl from season one or the time he quit being Mike’s wingman and pulled a gorgeous ninja 180 on the stairs? PaulyD is wonderful.

While Ronnie drunkenly calls his shot that he’s now going to jump into the sack with Sammi, Vinny calmly sits on the sideline, plays with jacks and still cannot believe he’s back in this house with these people.

Ronnie jumps into bed with Sammi, one of them mumbles out, “I love you,” and I weep silently into my Sam Adams. The very next shot in the morning is Ronnie sporting the name of this blog. This is all I’m going to say about that shot and then we’re never going to talk about it again: what has been seen cannot be unseen.

Now Ronnie’s rekindled the essence with Sammi not twelve hours after he called her a terrible word and got into a drunken three-way kiss.

Good news: The only way Sammi could find about Ron’s Big Night is if the guys and Angelina break their vow of silence…or several months pass and the episode airs.

Bad news: Angelina, AKA Jersey Shore’s agent of chaos, aka the only viable contender for Sammi’s bantam weight psycho belt, is in the trust tree.

More bad news: another keeper of the secret is The Situation, voted most likely to shove Ronnie off a cliff if it meant a chance to lick Sammi’s toes.

Quite possibly worse news: If we were to rate Sammi’s crazy from one to Jedi, she’d be Yoda.

This episode was going to be AWESOME.

I’ll stop calling Sammi a crazy person when she stops handing me ammunition.

So single Sammi is walking around the house later in the episode, wondering if was a good idea to get the “Ron + Sam 4eva” ass tattoo last summer and thinks to herself, “Hey, you know what I haven’t done today? Invaded my ex-boyfriend’s life and given him loads of shit for it. I think I’ll look through his phone book.”

If that sounds ridiculous, have a serving-size of Sammi’s exact words.

“So we’re hanging out, not really doing anything…next thing you know I’m sitting at the phone, I was looking at the phone book and I’m like, ‘Oh, let me check out Ron’s.’ I open up his book and I see the name Caroline, who’s Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend. Weird.”

Sammi confronts ex-Ronnie and asks, “Can I ask you something? Who’s Caroline?” And Ronnie’s totally all, “Oh man, I was afraid you were going to ask about two different girls who are actually in this same town. Glad you’re asking about my ex who’s nine states awa-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOOKED THROUGH MY PHONE BOOK?”

Sammi starts getting heated about Ron talking with an ex and you can just barely hear Ron’s head exploding as talks with his ex about why talking to an ex is bad.

Vinny’s observation about the latest Sammi/Ronnie drama? “You guys just don’t stop.” I would pay money to watch a voice over of Vinny writing emails or letters to his mom, done in the vein of those History Channel Civil War specials. I don’t have time to elaborate, sadly.

PaulyD can’t understand why Ron would have any girl’s name written in his book at all, which really brings to the front the fact that the whole cast knows Sammi is certifiable. “You gotta prepare for that,” says Pauly.

Situation’s all, “Wait, a chance to rag on Ronnie? I’m in!” and the guys minus Vinny start ragging on Ronnie like he’s Tiger Woods, ignoring the fact that Sammi’s about one rainy day away from putting Gwen Paltrow’s head in a box.

The Situation orders food with the name, “Situation.” The delivery guy says, “Whatever man,” and simultaneously gives me faith and terrifies me about how MTV is going to proceed with the tone of the show.

Angelina vs. The World

Snooki once heard that Angelina once talked trash about her boyfriend, setting us up for yet another battle in the war against Angelina. The guys are LOVING this, especially when J-Woww comes out as bad cop. Seriously, all that was missing as J-Woww entered the scene was a Kid Rock song, some pyrotechnics, and a breathless WWE announcer shouting, “Is that? Oh my goodness! It’s J-Woww…and it looks like she’s brought a folding chair!”

Angelina asks for a list of witnesses to her smack talking. J-Woww’s roster? “J-420, Joey Yanks, Bill…” These could be the names of people. They could also be the names of AIM bots.

J-Woww takes a deep breath, takes a sip of tea, and calmly presents Angelina’s options for further coexistence in the house. She can either leave the house, or

A)   Stay and get your ass beat.

B)   Stay and get your ass beat.

C)   Stay and get your ass beat.

D)   All of the above.

I would have given anything for Angelina to ask, “Sorry, what was the second option?” But if she had we would be debating whether of not it’s appropriate to show a murder on reality TV.

Oh, did I mention that Ronnie told J-Woww about Ron’s Big Night? Mike wants so badly to blow up Ron’s spot that Vinny has to tell him about nineteen times to stop being awful and stay true to the bro code.

Ronnie’s thoughts so far? “It’s gonna be long two months.” Thank. God.

Ronnie made a Saved By The Bell joke and my world folded up like “Inception.”

Ronnie and Sammi get back together…we think. All we really do know, aside from all the times they say they love each other, is Ron went to get a tattoo because he wanted pain and Sammi took that as getting back together. This will last until next episode when someone tells Sammi about one kiss Ron had when they weren’t together and Sammi burns the house down like “Carrie.”

The shirt before the shirt

The Situation wanted to be a part of the episode somehow so talked about wearing tank tops before putting on a t-shirt. In the confessional, he says, “We’ve got an abundance of wife beaters,” and the producer watching the dailies pumps his fist in victory while a network head says evenly, “he’s got to clarify that.”

And then Angelina decided she didn’t like having guy friends, got hammered, and totally blew her load by telling PaulyD too early that she loved him and wore her sunglasses at night. BTW, if you’re playing the drinking game like I told you, you were as drunk as Angelina at this point.

PaulyD hooked up with Angelina back in the day… apparently Mike did, too, but Angelina is clearly still gone for Pauly. Sadly, Pauly does not feel the same yet. Angelina is apparently back in last place, or exactly where Snooki was last season.

DRINKING GAME ADDITION:

“Do you”: Drink 1.

This season is going splendidly. Disagree or have something to add? Do so in the comments right now or I’ll slap you.

Do you, bro.

@Woodytondorf

PS: J-Woww shops at tranny stores. And you thought you weren’t going to smile today.