Who’s the CHICK?!


Another entry in “Letters from Dagobah”

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

To: General Anakin Skywalker
From: Senator Padme Amidala, Naboo delegation
Subject:
Who’s the CHICK?

Hello “darling,”

Let me get this straight: I don’t see you for months because you’re “fighting the separatists,” I risk life and limb to keep you from getting dropped into a Rancor pit, and the next time I see you, you’re playing grab ass across the galaxy with a piece of Togruta jail bait?!? This is a joke, right?


You know she's 14, right? Never mind that I was 5 years older than you when we hooked up. She's 14.

You know she's 14, right? Never mind that I was 5 years older than you when we hooked up. She's 14.

You know we talked about this. If this is you crying for attention after I posed for, “Lady Senators of the Republic calendar,” you’re WAY out of line. I did that to raise funds for that new Republic cruiser! What is at all advantageous to dipping your saber in the padawan pool?

Wear more makeup. Whore.

Wear more makeup. Whore.

 

Guess what? I'm totally hot, human, and royalty. Game, set, match, bitch.

Guess what? I'm totally hot, human, and royalty. Game, set, match, bitch.

I got your messages after that debacle at Jabba’s. You can make whatever excuses you want, but trying to make me believe you’re not cheating because, “A Jedi cannot love,” seems kinda thin when you consider who’s saying it. Bet you think you’re pretty smart, I mean, it’s not like you can say you’re sleeping with the Senator from Naboo, that would just undo the galaxy, wouldn’t it? Sometimes I just want to choke you.

Last week I thought I was being too hard on you, but then you brought her to dinner when you got back. Do you know how many times she called you, “Sky guy?” I thought calling you “Anni” was emasculating and childish, but WOW, I was wrong.

And don’t try to tell me she’s not your type! We all know you’ve got a giant boner for headdresses and face paint. Just because I didn’t kill my hat doesn’t mean I won’t throw down. While we’re at it you can bet your sweet midichlorian-soaked ass that I’ve heard all about her “reverse grip” technique. But you’re forgetting something, lover: as a diplomat I know how to do research.

I learned that as predators, Togrutas have sharp little incisors that they use to kill their cute, furry little prey (thimiars) painlessly. This painless death is followed by some cute, furry, little postmortem death spasms. Hot, right? Wrap that around your ventilation shaft.

I hope you come to your senses and drop that spray-tan temptress or I’m getting the droids. Dinner’s at 7.

-Padme Amidala


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One Response

  1. […] Who’s the CHICK? […]

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