Have you ever done something so lame, so embarrassing, so unbelievably STUPID that you visibly cringe, regardless of where you are and what you’re doing? Lord knows I have. I’ve got a ton of those under my belt. So I figure, why not share those with you? You know, you are my friends and all.
THING I CAN’T TAKE BACK:
MY PAST WITH PUKA SHELL NECKLACES
I couldn’t help myself. I loved those cheap, tiny squares of “shell” so much that I would hide them in my bag when I was going off to camp so I could be badass and not be rightly yelled at by my mom. You’d think it would have stopped there, but I even hid them in the glove compartment of my car when I drove to school. Yeah, I’m THAT lame.
I went out of my way to purchase them. Oh, and they had to be the SQUARE ones, too. The rounded ones were “lame.” I thought I was the shit; when I really just looked like a clown. I just had a flashback of myself wearing a sleeveless shirt whilst “rocking” puka shells and I almost threw up at my desk. Not kidding.
Wikipedia says that Puka shell necklaces were “traditionally thought to ensure a peaceful and safe voyage, especially for sailors on a long journey, so puka-shell necklaces were especially worn by those who had to travel on the sea.” That makes sense. I was often on long journeys across the sea in my merchant vessel, steaming out for…no, wait. Nope. Not me. I had about as much reason wearing puka shell necklaces as I did wearing my carolina blue velour jumpsuit. I am not a rapper or retired Floridian, and I am not supposed to be wearing puka shells. But I did. People have pictures of this. I do not, because two years ago I tried to do everything I could destroy pictures that make me visibly cringe. This is also why there are no photos of me in 7th grade.
I’m Woody Tondorf, and I once wore puka shell necklaces for all the wrong reasons for an extended period of time.
And that’s something I can’t take back. Where did I put my white sunglasses?
Filed under: comedy, Essays, Things I can't take back | Tagged: dane cook, douchebag, high school, kenny chesney, middle school, MTV, paul rudd, puka, puka shell, puka shell necklaces, spring break, steroids, Things I can't take back, woody tondorf |