10 Thought Tuesday: Movie and TV lines never said in real life

There are things said in TV and movies that we willfully suspend disbelief for. They just aren’t said in real life, and if they are, no one takes them the way they’re taken in film and television. Here’s a few, some with explanations, some without. Please add your own in the comments and I’ll throw the good ones into the post!

10. “It’s a date!”

"I'm so scared right now, I think I really did pee myself."

"I'm so scared right now, I think I really did pee myself."

This is the teenage kiss of death in all movies and tv shows. It’s always said by the one who’s in control of the relationship,. Tyra to Landry, Van Wilder to Tara Reid, Bella Swan to Jacob Black (yeah, I went there. F you). The other character will ALWAYS hang up the phone, walk in the opposite direction down the school hallway, continue skydiving and repeat in half-whisper to themselves, “it’s a date.”

They will then spend far too much time getting a new haircut, buying a new outfit, trying not to turn into a teen werewolf, and they’ll ALWAYS go overboard and be exteremely odd by the time they reach the Applebee’s/library/ethnic cleansing.

This just doesn’t happen in real life. 9 through 1 after the jump!

9. “No…no! I saw you die!”

How they avoid my ninja assassins, I do not know. One day...

How they avoid my ninja assassins, I do not know. One day...

This is one that tends to happen a lot in “Lost,” “All my Children,” and “Hannah Montana.” Someone shows up at the bar, the restaurant, the living room, the recording studio, and the person who may or may not have killed said person will stammer this out in disbelief. This has never happened to me, but I really kind of wish it would.

8. “Just go on without me!”

No one says this, because when the mutant bear/mega shark/giant climate change tsunami actually hits, these, uh, “civilized people?” They’ll eat each other.

7. “What could possibly go wrong?”

"Please please PLEASE stop saying that."

"Please please PLEASE stop saying that."

The inevitable armageddon that follows this sentence has led to its extinction in real life use…and that’s a good thing.

6. “It’s just a little bit of blood from my cough. I’ll choose to ignore it.”

Saturday Night Live beat me to this one. Though silly, it makes me nostalgic for the days of tuberculosis.

5. “Do you know who I am?”

"Never bring me to Denny's again."

"Never bring me to Denny's again."

Always useful when shouted in Hollywood-based comedies, growled by London gangsters, or asked by someone’s who been plucked from the river with three bullets in his back and a small device in his body. However, after an internship in DC and three years in Los Angeles, I have yet to hear this. Maybe I’m sheltered.

4. “You’re the one the prophesy foretold!”

I often ask my friends if they’d rather go into a fortune teller’s tent and have her immediately exclaim, “The One has come forth! The quest now begins!” or “No! The Demon! Leave this place, vile creature!” Personally, a quest sounds like effort and time spent taking vacation days, so I’ll have to pass and hope to be the harbinger of death. Luckily, that sentence is never said in real life, despite what Kanye West or  Lebron James would have you believe.

3. “I’m a vampire…and I love you.”

Stop that squealing! Stop it right now!!

Stop that squealing! Stop it right now!!

HEY! Get it through your thick skulls, ladies! He’s going to f&*^ing EAT YOU! If I was a vampire, I would totally use that exact line to lure some sexy goth chick back to my lair, seduce her with My Chemical Romance, and then drink the F out of that Darwin Award candidate. Same goes for werewolves. Leave them to their eternal war, mortals.

2. “Which wire? The red wire or the blue wire?” (via Shayna Gibson)

Want to detonate your bomb remotely? There's an app for that.

Want to detonate your bomb remotely? There's an app for that.

Chances are overwhelmingly good that you’ll never have to defuse a madman’s bomb in your entire desk jockey life. HOWEVER, fate rarely calls upon us at a time of our choosing, so maybe you will have to listen to the crippled, grizzled bomb squad vet who just became paralyzed and can’t do it himself and has to talk to you on the radio. That’s what you get for working in the metro. When the time comes, brave civilian, I hope you don’t meet the one smart terrorist who labeled all his wires white (it’s a symbol!)

1. “You don’t have to do this.”

Specifically, I would tell Sammy L. that he does not have to ask the snipers to "take his blood."

Sigh...there goes Sammy L again, asking snipers to "take his blood." Oh Sammy...

Like “it’s a date,” there’s an EXTREME disconnect between what people in movies/tv tell others they don’t have to do, and what WE tell people they don’t have to do. For example:

In movies, “You don’t have to do this,” usually is said as someone:

– Takes an innocent girl hostage.

Keeps pointing that gun at your dad!

– Steps into the energy source that will make them “more than just a MAN!”

– Snorts an egregious line of coke.

In real life, “You don’t have to do this” is usually said as someone:

– Approaches the coat check with the ugliest girl at the bar.

– Boards a plane for New Jersey.

– Snorts an egregious line of coke.

So there you have it, just a few examples of movie and tv lines that are perfectly normal in fiction, but would never be said in real life, and if they are said in real life, they’ve got a WHOLE different meaning. I hope you learned something about film/tv, yourselves, and America. Comments, diggs, and link sharing is ALWAYS appreciated!

Also, check out my sci fi series on this blog, “Minutemen: The Crucible.” I’m a shameless blogwhore.

‘Til next time, it’s a date.



3 Responses

  1. Although this isn’t verbatim to #5, it’s pretty much the same idea…


  2. “He’s going to f&*^ing EAT YOU!”
    Best line.

    I would have suggestions, but I am clearly not as witty as you, Tondorf. Props.

  3. “I never thought it could happen to me” that spectacular fiction bomb that usually precludes an amazing story…but in real life usually precludes a horrifying announcement like “I’ve got Brain Cancer, Aids, am getting audited or and my personal favorite–My step dad ran over my dog with the pickup truck (true story) Love the thoughts “let the Good Times Roll”!!!
    A very Fond Fan

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