Every Elevator Character Ever Created

We’re shin-deep in the final season of the popular web series Elevator and recently I asked the fans if they wanted to help contribute to our final season. To help jump-start your brains (There are over 200 episodes after all, there’s a lot to watch.) I’ve compiled a list and brief summary of all the characters ever introduced in the series. I’m sure I’ve missed one or two, but you get the idea.

Take trip down down the memory shaft or browse this entry and wonder just how the hell someone once paid us to make this. Enjoy

Harold the janitor

I am Iron Man.

Played by Ben Pace

Notable episodes – Enter the Matrix, Harold the Vampire part 2, When you gotta go, The Clone Wars

No one knows how old Harold is or when he first started working at the office, but everyone knows that he was there on his or her first day and he’ll certainly be there on the last…and possibly every day in between. Harold is, to borrow a phrase, “scary smart,” often inventing incredible gadgets and contraptions on a whim and using them for his own pleasure. He has a love/hate relationship with Waldo.

Harold has the unique ability to be sympathetic for everyone while simultaneously cruel to others. He’s generally pleasant to everyone, with the notable exception of litterers and people who don’t recycle. If you don’t follow the basic rules of cleanliness (or if you make Harold’s job difficult) he will hunt you down, harass you, and probably end your career.

Part of Harold’s power is taken from the bin he carries around everywhere. Harold’s bin seems to have magical properties that allow Harold to produce whatever object he needs regardless of size or weight, and in one instance allowed people to see alternate futures when Harold filled the bin with water and dunked people’s heads in it. In the past, Santa Claus has come by the elevator looking for the bin, which has led some to believe that the bin’s lining is Santa’s magic bag. Harold also wields a mop named Bessie Lou.

He’s made allusions to his time in the Navy SEALS, has visited outer space, and pals around with janitors and Hollywood celebrities alike. He’s been divorced several times and doesn’t know his real father, though he suspects William Shatner on a daily basis.

Quotes:

Harold: Guys, I’m not a vampire. I just said and did all that stuff to get chicks.

Harold: Fifteen! One of my favorite bathrooms in the whole building, honestly…except unfortunately I just closed it via remote. There’s an app for that.

Charles Trippy: You’re one sick twisted janitor.

Harold: Thank you. I try.

Mr. Grant: Enough is enough, Harold. I want you out by four.

Harold: Sure. Whatever. I’ll just leave the overflowing toilets in the ladies’ room, the grease fire down in the kitchen, and actually Rachel in shipping who’s going into labor right about [Harold’s watch beeps] now.

Harold: Where’d you go, Waldo? Show yourself, you bastard!

Harold: Are you crying? [tastes tear] Wait a minute, these are tears of sadness!

Harold: Melora, I love you, and when you sing I feel lonelier than an infant in a meth den, but you’ve got to ramp it up!

 

ALL OTHER CHARACTERS AFTER THE JUMP

Intern Jane

Played by Genevieve Jones

Notable episodes – Open Mic Night, Worst Singer Ever, Tower of Terror, What would Patrick Dempsy do?

Intern Jane is always just days away from being promoted to paid employee. She lives a mile from her old college campus and has two roommates who constantly try to get their BFF out of her office job and back into their steady gigs as Miller Lite girls.

Intern Jane is almost universally loved, despite a certain clumsiness that sometimes leads to injuring others. While she has an awful memory for song lyrics, she’s a very accomplished opera singer.

Intern Jane possesses a brilliant business mind and always manages to create more efficient ways to get the job done, but she’s an out and out idiot when it comes to personal interactions. Jane and Chris are constantly squabbling, which has led to speculation that the two have a secret crush.

We still don’t know Intern Jane’s last name.

Chris

Played by Woody Tondorf

Notable Episodes – Chris the Nail Biter, 40’s and Drive bys, Bluetooth Deception, Need Hannah Montana tickets?

Chris lives to just get by, collect a paycheck, and go home thinking something better will happen. He’s competent but deathly afraid of responsibility, often enlisting Harold’s help when times are tough. Harold views Chris as a kind of project, propping Chris up to keep him from failing completely but never directly pushing him up the corporate ladder.

Harold protects Chris and harasses Chris, often at the same time. Life is constantly putting the screws to Chris, he once proposed to his girlfriend via jumbotron and was promptly rejected. Things rarely go well for him.

Chris and Intern Jane have had a love/hate, will-they-won’t-they relationship since she was hired. Harold cloned Chris a year ago. The clone’s whereabouts are unknown.

Quotes:

Chris: Fine! Leave, you plumber crack cable snake son of a bitch!

*

Chris: I keep doing this. I keep forgetting his name.

Kyle: I’m your cousin!

Chris: Once removed! Not close enough to care!

*

Chris: I’m a pretty pretty princess and I serve tea cakes to all the Earles and Ladies.

Jacob

Played by Andrew Zilch

Notable episodes – Police Line, Irish Twins, Jacob Goes Green, Worst Holdup Ever, EWF

Jacob is a bright ball of sunshine with a wife and kid. He’s positive, cares about the Earth, and is addicted to lattes. Chris and others suspect Jacob’s happiness is artificial. Jacob is also a trained Jedi, but he hasn’t brought it up in some time, as Chris is an apprentice Sith Lord and proved it by force choking Jacob. He’s the reigning undefeated champion of the Elevator Wrestling Federation and is well respected for it.

Jacob is usually the first to jump in to office initiatives, often with too much enthusiasm. He sold his car and bought a radio flyer tricycle to “go green,” and plastered “Never Forget” 9/11 memorial stickers everywhere even though the stickers had messed up the American flag.

QUOTES:

Jacob: You know what doesn’t fade over time, Chris? Patriotism.

Jacob: Harold I don’t do well in disaster situations! I once got lost in a Macy’s and spent two days under a coat rack.

Jacob: Death take me now! I can’t wait any longer!

Lily

Played by Kate Micucci

Notable episodes – Lily’s Bailout, Picture of Success, Lily’s Diet, Pet Peeves

Lily is one of the heads of IT. She’s very sensitive toward technology and has little time for people who mess up their computers. Though she’s a very hard worker, she delights in being able to get away with anything simply because she’s cute and knows more about technology than almost everyone. She has an intense love for Jamba Juice and a weird diet: Lily only eats what she catches.

During the recession, Lily bought a string of newspapers, turned the revenue from the ads into capital to purchase foreclosures, and qualified herself for a bailout. She draws really great kitties.

She also might be a Terminator.

Quotes:

Lily: Oh, I’m not a hippie! I just have stock boys in the supermarket throw the stuff at me. That’s why I don’t drink hot coffee anymore.”

Lily: I thought it said “Christ.” I thought it was the Lord’s cereal.

Paul

Played by Paul Gulyas

Notable episodes – Dollar Menu, Bad Dream, Jennie Finch pwns, You can’t take it with you

Paul works for Mr. Grant. He recently obtained a litter of kittens that he occasionally carries around with him, often with disastrous results. In fact, bad luck seems to follow Paul around wherever he goes, including the time when Paul thought he was having a dream about being naked at work and found out far too late that it wasn’t a dream.

In season two Paul was turned into a zombie during The Outbreak and banished to the 13^th floor. Trapped in the pocket dimension with the zombies, Paul asserted his dominance as the only zombie to still have a working brain and overcame his infection, earning himself a trip back into reality and gainful employment.

Paul has an impressive collection of pornography on his computer and in his apartment, so much so that he has an agreement with Harold to burn his entire building down if something should unexpectedly happen to Paul.

Quotes:

Paul: Dude, you were gone for months, you left without any kind of notice. Jacob, dude you’re fired.

Jacob: I’m not fired, Paul.

Paul: No, you’re fired.

*

Paul: Just burn the whole apartment building! There’s too much evidence! It’s too risky!

Paul: Chitavan, while I have you here in my mind, I have to tell you something. I really want to bone you.

Mr. Grant

Played By: Eric Spiegelman, Nicky Nik

Notable Episodes – Leverage, Nanny Cam, Elevator music

Mr. Grant is the head of the company. He’s firm but fair and seems completely fine with the odd characters in his employ. He’s attempted to discipline Harold the Janitor but failed at every attempt. The first Mr. Grant was killed by Death right before his big promotion and transfer to a new branch of the company. New iterations of Mr. Grant (including a Mrs. Grant) have not been seen for some time.

Quotes:

Mr. Grant: What! I mean…what?

The Ninjas

Played by: Various

Seen in – Bank of Harold, Pirates vs ninjas vs cotton, Pirates vs ninjas, Enter the Ninja, The Golden Box (live show only)

The Ninjas have been in the sales department since before anyone can remember. Some guess that the ninjas have been in sales since the beginning, but they’re rarely seen and can’t stand questions.

They are locked in an eternal war with the Pirates in Marketing, and often engage in battle while others are trapped in the elevator with them.

During The Outbreak in which zombies took over the building, Harold became too overzealous in his defense of the office and killed all the ninjas in a span of two hours. Whether this was accidental or deliberate has never been answered, but what is known is the ninjas have returned to the office, and they seem to have some sort of allegiance with Harold the Janitor.

The Pirates

Played by: Charles Trippy, Toby Turner, Various

Seen in: Corporate Raiders, Pirates vs. ninjas, Pirates vs ninjas vs cotton, Corporate Raiders 2, Badly Timed Jokes

A band of pirates make up much of the marketing team at the office. Whether the pirates were pirates at the time of their hire or became buccaneers later is unknown. What is known is the standing rule to always send an escort with the pirates whenever they leave the building. The rule was put in place because of the pirates’ predisposition to violently attack and pillage anyone who disagrees with their presentations, though they’re usually quite friendly and quick to share their rum.

Recently, Dave Grant replaced Intern Jane as pirate chaperone. As a result, the pirates killed everyone in the McNeil Group sales team and pillaged the office. Their conflict with the ninjas in sales is ongoing.

Quotes:

Dave Grant: Bad news. Everyone in McNeil’s sales team is dead.

Intern Jane: WHAT?

Dave Grant: Good news. They have sweet coffee mugs!

Pirates: Yarrrrrr!

Death

Played by: Paul Gulyas, Woody Tondorf, Various

No one knows why the Grim Reaper is an employee, but it’s widely understood that it works for Human Resources as some kind of consultant. Death is mute and has been reported to smell of pie.

Yorick the Serial Killer

Played by: Mike Polk, Woody Tondorf

Yorick silently stands in the elevator wearing a hockey mask. He rarely speaks, sometimes murders innocent people, and might be gay.

Thrash the bike messenger

Played by: Charles Trippy

Seen in – Secret Agent Thrash, Countermeasures

Thrash frequents the building’s elevator on his many daily runs delivering packages to and from the company. He has a thing for secretaries and often lies about his job, inventing James Bond-like stories to seduce unwitting employees.

His bike is his prized possession: after watching the 1989 Batman film, he tricked out his bike with countermeasures, including shields and tranquilizer gas that was once triggered inside the lobby.

Quotes:

Thrash: We’re not secure!

Sharon

Played By: Jaime Nelson

Seen in – Love Ballad, You, Me, and Randy Make Three, Most Viewed Video, Trust Your Instincts, Elevator Halloween, Beyond the Palin, etc.

Sharon has a robust office love life and a desire to make mischief. Between flings with Randy, Daniel Tosh, Mike Polk, and others, she’s generally making life more chaotic. Her behavior backfired on her one Halloween when she committed the cardinal sin of pressing the button for the 13^th floor and caused The Outbreak, in which zombies were released and ran unchecked through the building. Sharon is now missing, presumed eaten by zombies.

Randy

Played by: Dave Hill

Seen in – Love Ballad, You, Me, and Randy Make Three, Sing For Food

Randy is one of the best employees in the Sales Department, constantly leading the team. A long time ago, he had sex with Sharon on the mailroom copier and he still hasn’t gotten over it. In the meantime, he composes songs in the elevator for his forthcoming album, “Blackout Love,” and has been commissioned by Mr. Grant several times to write love songs for Mrs. Grant.

Quotes:

Randy: Sharon, your kisses are like angels’ songs. I want to hold you all night long. And last week we got drunk at the company picnic and we boned on the mailroom copier.

Randy: Sharon I just think you should know I’ve moved on.

Sharon: That’s really great to hear.

Randy: In fact I’m very happy with [leans toward Alicia] what’s your name?

Alicia: Alicia.

Randy: Alicia. I’m Randy.

Alison

Played by: Alison Beker

Seen in – Bad Example, Highway to Hell, Cell Phone Miser, Proximity

Alison has issues. Authority, boundary, daddy, anger. She’s not afraid to speak her mind, especially with only two weeks left to go in the company. Her notable exception was helping a claustrophobic co-worker deal with an episode, though it was her day of the week to help.

Quotes:

Alison: Oh, and the winter ski trip is an absolute shit storm! I cannot even tell you how much E we did last time. I was tripping my balls off!

Mr. Grant: What?

Alison: I was totally off my tits.

Dan the Super Villain

Played by: Dan Mintz

Seen in – Do Not Touch, Superhero, Superhero 2, The Things They Carried, Always Be Prepared, Don’t Fear The Reaper

Dan possesses superhuman abilities that only seem to manifest at night. Alicia and Jacob are reluctantly in on Dan’s secret, though they both believe he’s faking it. Dan terrorizes Jacob by putting Jacob’s Ford Focus on the roof of the building and lighting his desk on fire with pyrokenisis. Dan is one of the only employees to survive a ride in the elevator with Death. He is lethargic and generally lazy; Dan once feigned unconsciousness because he didn’t want to walk all the way to the elevator.

Quotes:

Jacob: Do you have any idea how much this will cost me?

Dan: Yes. Four thousand dollars.

Tyler in accounting

Mentioned in – Chris the nail biter, Chris the nail biter 2, Leverage, Nemesis, Pledging

Tyler in accounting is mentioned, but never seen. We don’t know much about him, but we do know that he once did not organize his recyclables and as a result Harold the janitor has made his life a living hell: sleeping with Tyler’s wife, blowing up his desk at least twice, etc. When Chris’ college buddy Nick MacNamara shows up, he takes his new fraternity to crash Tyler’s birthday party. He’s mentioned, but never seen.

Quotes:

Mr. Grant: And Tyler in accounting still won’t come back to work.

Harold: Oh come on! That was all a big misunderstanding!

Mr. Grant: You fucked his wife!

Meredith: On his desk!

Harold: Oh yeah. Nice girl.

Alicia

Played By: Cresent Muhammed

Seen in – Universal Health Care, About Last Night, The Magic Touch, Elevator Music, You, Me, and Randy Make Three, Crushin’ On Shawn Pyfrom, Intern Shawn is not a puppy, etc.

Alicia is sought after by most guys in the company, though once they’re behind closed doors there’s no telling what could happen. Chris was coerced into Transformers role play, and Daniel Tosh was never seen from again after winning her over with Chris’ fish tank. She’s been wooed by Randy and attempted to seduce Intern Shawn. She’s also saved Chris from a run-in with Death.

Helen

Played by Helen Hong

Seen in – Oriental, Speed Demon, Trust your instincts, Don’t leave home without it

Quotes:

Helen: What color is that, “Jungle love?” Did you go to that place on 25^th street? Those whores have no idea what they’re doing.”

Meredith from HR

Played by: Katy Stoll

Seen in – Girl Flips out on Coworker, Never Forget, Harold the Janitor’s Nemesis, Harold’s Ultimate Weapon, Meredith Loves Harold, Meredith’s GPS

Meredith is yet another new hire to Human Resources, but this one is different from her predecessors. She is equal parts infatuated and enraged with the legend of Harold the Janitor. After reviewing the laundry list of Harold’s exploits, she’s committed herself to a potentially life-threatening quest to fire the precocious, possibly dangerous janitor.

Since the head of HR was removed after Britney’s accidental LSD experiment, Meredith is in good position to move to the top of HR. She seems to be one of the only threats Harold takes seriously.

Britney from R&D

Played by: Angie Cole

Seen in – Never Forget, Human Testing

Robert

Played By: Craig Frank

Seen in – The Thief, 40s and Drive Bys, Harold the Vampire 3 and 4, When you gotta go

Robert grew up in Lakeview, he was the head of his class in high school and college, but was forced to work for the company in the middle of the recession. He’s been taking time to adjust to the eccentric co-workers and Harold’s strict recycling rules, but so far, so good.

During Harold’s vampire phase Robert found the janitor during a quiet moment and confessed to Harold that he was a werewolf. Harold, assuming that Robert had seen through Harold’s vampire lie, yelled at Robert and told him to take his fake werewolf act elsewhere, followed promptly by Robert’s secret transformation into a real werewolf. So far Robert has killed more than four employees but has not been caught.

Quotes:

“You’re a monster!”

Derek

Played By: Brett Register

Seen in – Call of the Wookie, Food Fight, Oh oh oh it’s magic, Harold the Vampire 4

Derek’s job in the company is unknown. He and Chris are always trying to one-up each other in various ways, including Wookiee calls and magic contests.

Giorgi

Played by Joe Sabia

Seen in – Kitty Smackdown 1 and 2, Pranksters 1 and 2, That’ll teach ‘em, Universal Language, Cell Phone Miser, Badly timed jokes,

Giorgi has a notoriously short fuse. His kitten body count stands at two, and he’s on the HR watch list after he beat the snot out of a coworker who held the door open for too long. Giorgi speaks fluent Spanish and enjoys playing practical jokes with Chris.

Quotes:

Giorgi: All I’m saying is that if Legos looked like vegetables the kids wouldn’t put them in their mouths and no one would choke!

Ace

played by KT Takata

Seen in – Ace’s Hookup, Don’t Taze Me, Bro!

Ace is the flashy guy in sales who thinks he can take anyone home. When he does, he lets everyone know about it. When he doesn’t, he usually gets tasered trying.

The Zombies

Played by Various

Seen in – The 2007 Halloween miniseries

When Sharon pressed the button for the 13^th floor as a Halloween prank, she unleashed a flood of zombies on the office, known as the 13^Th Floor Outbreak. After decimating most of the workforce, they took over and assumed all of the jobs that the other employees didn’t want.

Facing extermination and, worse, unemployment, Harold lured the zombies back into the elevator and sent them all back by activating the energies of the 13^th floor and reversing the events. However, as a consequence of Harold’s actions, Paul became half zombie and is currently their only leader until they are released again.

Dave Grant

played by Davedays

Seen in – Corporate Raiders 2, Son of the Boss, Who’s Your Daddy?

Dave Grant is Mr. Grant’s mischievous and spoiled son. He’s been kicked out of five boarding schools and he terrorizes the employees when he’s out of his father’s sight. He often makes ridiculous demands and threatens reluctant workers with his dad when he doesn’t get his way. Harold the Janitor faked a paternity test to convince Dave that he is actually Dave’s father, temporarily ending the reign of terror.

Jodie

Played by – Venetian Princess

Seen in – Drunk Dial, Telemarketer

Jodie is Chris’ ex-girlfriend. She broke up with Chris after she asked him to take care of her cat and Chris left the cat in the care of a co-worker, who then watched as Giorgi killed it in a fit of rage. She thinks Harold is creepy, but she’s not above accepting his assistance.

Joey and David Morehead

played by: Joey Manderino and David Young

Seen in – Sibling Rivalry 1, 2, and 3.

Joey and David are the only two sibling employees in the office. After a series of small disputes, Joey and David engaged in a four-month-long battle to the death, including car bombs, hidden firearms, poisoned food, etc.

Chris proposed a non-violent solution: a dance off until one collapsed. After four hours Joey collapsed, David claimed victory and walked out. Joey then regained consciousness and detonated a bomb that appeared to be planted on David some time before he left the elevator. David is assumed dead.

Joey is a cricket fan. David is a polo enthusiast.

Quotes:

Joey: He gets super personal when I try to kill him.

Chris: What?

David: Joey tried to blow up my car again this morning.

Joey: 0 for 2.

David: You really didn’t think the dog wasn’t going to find that hack job device you put under the Civic?

Joey: Dammit. The dog. I never anticipate the dog.

David: Sir Sniffsalot found that thing in record time.

Joey: I should kill the dog first, is what I should do.

Nick McNamara

played by Tyler Spindel

Seen in – Pledging, College Buddies, Breakfast Buffet, The Final Ritual

Nick is Chris’ old college buddy and is a new hire at the company. Bored, and looking to relive his glory days, Nick starts the Sigma Sigma Sigma Fraternity. The known rushes of Tri-Sig are Lily, Jacob, and Paul. After earning Harold the Janitor’s wrath, the Fraternity is disbanded at their final initiation event.

Nick’s current employment status is unknown.

Bobby

played by Jason Earles

Seen in – Mentoring Bobby, Playing with your balls, Quit clowning around, Whatthebuck vs. Jason Earles, Need tickets to Hannah Montana?

Bobby is one of the most eligible bachelors in the company, a fact that he is only too happy to share with unlucky coworkers. He has a grudge against Lily for stealing some of his nerf footballs, and has a bit of a crush on Sharon.

Jack Coleman

Played by himself

Seen in – Joust Do It, Hero Worship, Take it outside, Just Dropping In

Jack Coleman is one of only a few guest stars to play himself. He was a finalist in Harold the Janitor’s “Office Renaissance Faire,” with a nom de guerre of The Black Knight. He faced off against Chris, but the match was postponed due to size limitations. The joust was moved to “ye olde conference room.” He’s also witnessed the demise of Spider-Man and Batman.

Greg

Played by Mike Polk

Seen in – Greg’s Submission, Theme Party, Chivalry is dead, White men can’t jump, The Squeeze, etc.

Often completely blowing people’s minds with crossoverness, Greg takes rides on the elevator when avoiding work time after time. Often Greg is forced to disguise himself to avoid being noticed, usually taking the form of a man in a wheelchair. When he’s not in disguise, he plots Middle East theme parties and wonders why more girls don’t show up.

Tom

Played by Michael Berman

Seen in – Sabbath, Tom Hates the Weekend

Tom has a wife and two kids that make him absolutely miserable. He complains about it often and loudly to Intern Jane and others, though he’s happy about his own private religion, which celebrates hardcore sex on Sundays.

Intern Shawn

Played by Shawn Pyfrom:

Seen in – Crushin’ on Shawn Pyfrom, Intern Shawn is Not A Puppy

An intern hired by the company who has a strange power that attracts any girl in his presence to him. Harold the janitor tried to use this power for his own gain, but was unable to control Shawn.

Nikki

played by Melora Hardin

Seen in – Super Fan, Nanny Cam, The Office Song

An outside consultant hired by Mr. Grant, Nikki has a hard time keeping her attention on her work; she’s often distracted by the hidden nanny cam that she used to monitor the baby sitter. She prefers to give bad news by song, especially layoffs.

Senator Mike Gravel

Played by Himself

Seen in – Gravel’s Gamertag

Former Presidential candidate Mike Gravel is an avid Halo player and one night beat Chris repeatedly on XBOX Live. His favorite weapon is the energy sword.

Meg Henley

Played by Jessica Rose

Seen in – Hazing, Can you hear me now?, The bad touch

On summer vacation from Bask University, Meg Henley was hired as the company’s intern under Intern Jane. Jane taught Meg the ropes of getting around the office, including harassing the employees before they have a chance to learn interns’ names. She has excellent fashion sense and often has to deal with co-workers’ awkward advances.

Jennie Finch

Played by Herself

Seen in – That’s COACH Jennie Finch to you, Jennie Finch will mess you up

Olympic gold medalist Jennie Finch was hired by the company for a motivational speaking engagement, but later consulted Harold the Janitor for advice on her own confidence and pitching mechanics.

Chris attempted to fool Jennie Finch into coaching the non-existent softball team, but he was exposed by Harold.

The Canadian Branch

Played by Loadingreadyrun

Seen in – First is the worst, Keep it to yourself, Singles line, Pink Cult 2, Plan B isn’t good enough