Minutemen: Do No Harm – Prologue

For those who haven’t read my first book yet, here’s a handy link so you don’t fall behind!

MINUTEMEN: Do No Harm

Prologue – “No Exit“

16:00 DLT

Frigate Enduring Progress

High orbit above colony world Eridanus

The Frigate Enduring Progress was a nuclear-armed coffin tumbling through the inkwell of space. To the passing ship or satellite she was a metal husk, a rush-job war machine with weapons that looked welded on last week. To sensors, the Progress was bereft of life, fallow, useless. As Colonel Tovald Bristow stalked the Progress’ hallways only by the grace of magnetic soled boots, he could not help but agree with that assessment.

As the Progress’ Executive Officer reached the rusty blast doors of the warship’s bridge, a hacking cough attacked and he scowled at the sky blue mucus floating in front of him. Now matter how short the journey, cryogenic freezing was, is, and forever would be a mother.

Ancient blast doors scraped open and Bristow scowled as he stepped into the cold dark silence of the bridge. Nothing moved, save a few pieces of trash floating in zero gravity. No hum of computers, no rush of air outside, only the eerie sensation of hurtling through space at a ludicrous speed yet feeling nothing at all.

The Colonel grunted and put an orange key into a glowing blue port on the captain’s chair. The soft, ethereal, symphonic tones of the ship’s computer booting managed to lift Tovald’s a mood a little as he nodded to the room. “Report.”

The seemingly ubiquitous, disembodied woman’s voice filled the room. “Per emergency order by the Commander. I have repaired essential systems. And am prepared to calculate an escape vector.”

“Where are we?”

 

“We are drifting with the remains of the Resistance Fleet. Of the thirty ships involved in combat action, only Martyr’s Sword and Just Cause survived. Be advised, Just Cause is venting atmosphere and has not responded to my hails in three months.”

 

             “Three months?” The cobwebs in Colonel Tovald Bristow’s head fell away in an instant. Bristow was already dreading the weeks of physical therapy required after such a sustained cryogenic freeze.

“All essential systems suffered catastrophic damage in the assault against Colonial forces. Immediate repairs are required.”

“What’s the body count on the ‘Collies? How many did we get?”

“The Libertad suffered one fatality from equipment failure during an after-action space walk–”

 

            “Computer to mute.”

 

The clinking of trinkets falling to the deck informed the XO of the return of artificial gravity a split-second before the computer flashed confirmation on the navigation table. A DNA swab and a hand wave later, the table hummed and disgorged gorgeous holograms of turquoise Dominion and its twin moons, Scylla and Charybdis; but there were no holograms of any of the dozens of ships that were always buzzing around the planet.

Bristow smacked the table with a fist, causing the image to flicker and splice, still nothing but the planet and moons. “God damn border control officers,” he muttered as he stalked back to the chair, feeling the hot flush of his blood pressure rising, “Bribe ‘em and they give you a blank map…god damn criminals.”

The Colonel jabbed a button on the captain’s chair. “Begin cryo thaw for all crew and bring jump systems online. Lieutenant Hartley is required ASAP at the bridge to explain himself to the Commander.”

Giant-sized Gossip Girl Review: The Kids Aren’t All Right

Gossip Girl Review: Dan and Blair. Yeah. You read that.

This is happening. Just accept it.

Okay! Let’s shake off the rust here for a second. It’s been a dog’s age, friends, lovers, and thieves. I think my last review was somewhere at the start of season three around the time that Gossip Girl decided to just go off the freaking rails and I swore I’d never love again.

Then people started paying me to write about TV.

SHAMELESS PLUG: My new show, bought and paid for by Hulu, where I write with brilliant folks about TV. It’s called The Morning After, and it’s on Hulu every weekday. I feel dirty doing that, but that’s why I watched Gossip Girl last night and why I’m back to doing this.

Also, I now have help. Very witty, New York-based, wonderful to look at, delightfully English help. Learn who it is after the jump.

Every Elevator Character Ever Created

We’re shin-deep in the final season of the popular web series Elevator and recently I asked the fans if they wanted to help contribute to our final season. To help jump-start your brains (There are over 200 episodes after all, there’s a lot to watch.) I’ve compiled a list and brief summary of all the characters ever introduced in the series. I’m sure I’ve missed one or two, but you get the idea.

Take trip down down the memory shaft or browse this entry and wonder just how the hell someone once paid us to make this. Enjoy

Harold the janitor

I am Iron Man.

Played by Ben Pace

Notable episodes – Enter the Matrix, Harold the Vampire part 2, When you gotta go, The Clone Wars

No one knows how old Harold is or when he first started working at the office, but everyone knows that he was there on his or her first day and he’ll certainly be there on the last…and possibly every day in between. Harold is, to borrow a phrase, “scary smart,” often inventing incredible gadgets and contraptions on a whim and using them for his own pleasure. He has a love/hate relationship with Waldo.

Harold has the unique ability to be sympathetic for everyone while simultaneously cruel to others. He’s generally pleasant to everyone, with the notable exception of litterers and people who don’t recycle. If you don’t follow the basic rules of cleanliness (or if you make Harold’s job difficult) he will hunt you down, harass you, and probably end your career.

Part of Harold’s power is taken from the bin he carries around everywhere. Harold’s bin seems to have magical properties that allow Harold to produce whatever object he needs regardless of size or weight, and in one instance allowed people to see alternate futures when Harold filled the bin with water and dunked people’s heads in it. In the past, Santa Claus has come by the elevator looking for the bin, which has led some to believe that the bin’s lining is Santa’s magic bag. Harold also wields a mop named Bessie Lou.

He’s made allusions to his time in the Navy SEALS, has visited outer space, and pals around with janitors and Hollywood celebrities alike. He’s been divorced several times and doesn’t know his real father, though he suspects William Shatner on a daily basis.

Quotes:

Harold: Guys, I’m not a vampire. I just said and did all that stuff to get chicks.

Harold: Fifteen! One of my favorite bathrooms in the whole building, honestly…except unfortunately I just closed it via remote. There’s an app for that.

Charles Trippy: You’re one sick twisted janitor.

Harold: Thank you. I try.

Mr. Grant: Enough is enough, Harold. I want you out by four.

Harold: Sure. Whatever. I’ll just leave the overflowing toilets in the ladies’ room, the grease fire down in the kitchen, and actually Rachel in shipping who’s going into labor right about [Harold’s watch beeps] now.

Harold: Where’d you go, Waldo? Show yourself, you bastard!

Harold: Are you crying? [tastes tear] Wait a minute, these are tears of sadness!

Harold: Melora, I love you, and when you sing I feel lonelier than an infant in a meth den, but you’ve got to ramp it up!

 

ALL OTHER CHARACTERS AFTER THE JUMP