If you wanted an all-American dad, a wily baseball veteran, a possible candidate for folksy-yet-serious President of the United States, or stay-at-home-dad driven to greatness, you call upon these men. Both tough and fair, they fill the void of “Well Harrison Ford is getting up there, so who’s going to play the dad of our current starlet and be married to the attractive mom in a popular tv series?”
But what if THEY FOUGHT TO THE DEATH?
Who would win? I usually try to think of these things as a cage match with no weapons, but in this case we have to play to both their strengths. That’s why we’re going to spice up this cage match with a single baseball placed in the middle of the ring.
For discussion purposes, I’ll give you a tale of the tape, then my initial impressions of how the fight would go. After that, it’s up to you.
KEVIN COSTNER VS. DENNIS QUAID:
TALE OF THE TAPE
MOST BAD ASS ROLE:
Costner: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Quaid: G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra
Costner. We have no idea if GI Joe will be good or not. Besides, Hawk is a desk jockey.
BLOW PEOPLE AWAY IN THE OLD WEST AS:
Costner: Wyatt Earp
Quaid: Doc Holliday
Quaid. Didn’t you see “Tombstone?” Val Kilmer’s Holliday pushes Quaid over the top by association. Oh yeah, he’s your Huckleberry. Assist: Val Kilmer
BEST BASEBALL MOVIE:
Costner: Field of Dreams
Quaid: The Rookie
Costner. I’m not entirely sure why that’s even a discussion.
Costner: Bull Durham
Quaid: Any Given Sunday
You can’t beat Costner’s, “I believe in” monologue in Durham…UNLESS you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by grown-ass men in body armor, THEN going into rehabilitation to lead the Sharks to victory when it counts. Besides, who’s the better cocky new kid? Tim Robbins or JAMIE FOXX? Everyone loves to hate the Foxx.
WHOSE BAND ROCKS HARDER:
Costner: Kevin Costner and the Modern West
Quaid: Dennis Quaid and the Sharks
I’m disappointed in both of them. If your band is good, you don’t need to use your full name to pimp the marquee. Dennis is backed by sharks, Kevin has aband that sounds like a Sam Shepard play. That said, my gf saw Dennis Quaid and the Sharks and did not enjoy the show. Win for Costner held pending band re-naming. Costner’s Nine. Costner’s Last Stand. I’m just saying. ANYTHING.
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
Costner: Rumor Has It…
Quaid: The Day After Tomorrow
Quaid went out in the dawn of a new ice age to find his kid and bring him back. Also, once Lindsay Lohan was out of Quaid’s watchful eye in “The Parent Trap,” she descended into one of the most legendary downward spirals of all time. Oh, and he punched Topher Grace right in the money maker while selling sports magazines.
BEST MAN IN SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Costner: Saved USA from nuclear war in “Thirteen Days.” Sunk the Exxon Valdez (again) in “Waterworld.”
Quaid: Let the President get shot in “Vantage Point.” Killed dragons with Scottish accents in “Dragonheart.”
C0stner. He was also in “JFK.” Basically, Kevin Costner has a perpetual Camelot contact high.
MY TAKE ON THE CAGE MATCH:
Kevin Costner will think to himself, “Wait a minute, I’m Kevin F’ing Costner! Who the hell is THIS dude?” He’ll then stand still and wait for Dennis Quaid to pick up the baseball and embarrass himself like Tim Robbins in “Bull Durham.”
Kevin Costner has balls the size of compact cars, but clearly he hasn’t browsed Dennis’ IMDB page. Quaid will grab that baseball and hurl it directly into Costner’s gut.
At that point, friends and lovers, it’s on like a 70% off sale at Bridal Gowns n’ Things, and while Kevin Costner’s no slouch, DQ just finished “GI Joe.” Even if Costner manages to pull off a physical upset, don’t count out a surprise appearance by Snake-Eyes to pull Quaid out of a pinch. Ninjas can’t be kept out of cage matches. Even if they could, you wouldn’t want that.
WINNER: DENNIS QUAID. Deal with it.
Am I horrifically wrong? Have I somehow miscalculated a minor point in my eloquent math? Tell me about it, and how do YOU see the fight going down?
Filed under: Cage Match, comedy, Essays | Tagged: bull durham, Cage Match, Dennis Quaid, dragonheart, field of dreams, General Hawk, GI Joe, Kevin Costner, red state, robin hood prince of thieves, snake eyes, thirteen days, topher grace, vantage point, woody tondorf |