Every Elevator Character Ever Created


We’re shin-deep in the final season of the popular web series Elevator and recently I asked the fans if they wanted to help contribute to our final season. To help jump-start your brains (There are over 200 episodes after all, there’s a lot to watch.) I’ve compiled a list and brief summary of all the characters ever introduced in the series. I’m sure I’ve missed one or two, but you get the idea.

Take trip down down the memory shaft or browse this entry and wonder just how the hell someone once paid us to make this. Enjoy

Harold the janitor

I am Iron Man.

Played by Ben Pace

Notable episodes – Enter the Matrix, Harold the Vampire part 2, When you gotta go, The Clone Wars

No one knows how old Harold is or when he first started working at the office, but everyone knows that he was there on his or her first day and he’ll certainly be there on the last…and possibly every day in between. Harold is, to borrow a phrase, “scary smart,” often inventing incredible gadgets and contraptions on a whim and using them for his own pleasure. He has a love/hate relationship with Waldo.

Harold has the unique ability to be sympathetic for everyone while simultaneously cruel to others. He’s generally pleasant to everyone, with the notable exception of litterers and people who don’t recycle. If you don’t follow the basic rules of cleanliness (or if you make Harold’s job difficult) he will hunt you down, harass you, and probably end your career.

Part of Harold’s power is taken from the bin he carries around everywhere. Harold’s bin seems to have magical properties that allow Harold to produce whatever object he needs regardless of size or weight, and in one instance allowed people to see alternate futures when Harold filled the bin with water and dunked people’s heads in it. In the past, Santa Claus has come by the elevator looking for the bin, which has led some to believe that the bin’s lining is Santa’s magic bag. Harold also wields a mop named Bessie Lou.

He’s made allusions to his time in the Navy SEALS, has visited outer space, and pals around with janitors and Hollywood celebrities alike. He’s been divorced several times and doesn’t know his real father, though he suspects William Shatner on a daily basis.

Quotes:

Harold: Guys, I’m not a vampire. I just said and did all that stuff to get chicks.

Harold: Fifteen! One of my favorite bathrooms in the whole building, honestly…except unfortunately I just closed it via remote. There’s an app for that.

Charles Trippy: You’re one sick twisted janitor.

Harold: Thank you. I try.

Mr. Grant: Enough is enough, Harold. I want you out by four.

Harold: Sure. Whatever. I’ll just leave the overflowing toilets in the ladies’ room, the grease fire down in the kitchen, and actually Rachel in shipping who’s going into labor right about [Harold’s watch beeps] now.

Harold: Where’d you go, Waldo? Show yourself, you bastard!

Harold: Are you crying? [tastes tear] Wait a minute, these are tears of sadness!

Harold: Melora, I love you, and when you sing I feel lonelier than an infant in a meth den, but you’ve got to ramp it up!

 

ALL OTHER CHARACTERS AFTER THE JUMP

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Elevator Thursday! Batman vs. Spider-Man


This week’s Elevator episode asks the very tough question…who’s better? The Batman or Spider-Man? The answer may shock you.

Guest starring Lesley Tsina of Slave Leia and Squatters’ Brendan Bradley!

Apocalypse Wow!


What do you MEAN, you haven’t seen the trailer to my new series?

Why, it’s directed and developed by Scott Brown, mastermind behind such hits as “Blue Movies,” “Asylum,” and all the fresh new web stuff coming out of Spike TV’s “Blue Mountain State!”

Did I mention our impossibly good-looking cast? Celebrated actor Craig Frank, Melanie Merkosky, Ben Begley, and “Star Trek” and “Passions” star McKenzie Westmore! You’ll also see everyone’s favorite janitor, Ben Pace, and internet hero David Nett. It’s absurd.

As for my role, I created the story, characters, and wrote the script, and generally wept with joy at how great the folk attached to this are. If you know folks with money, tell them to buy this show!

Gamer Love Letter


Baby, you know I love you. You also know how much I love video games. Sure, we play the odd console game now and then, but I know sometimes you think I put plug and play over…well, you get the idea. So to let you know how I truly feel about you, I’ve written you a love letter. It’s written in the blood of all the Covenant/Helghast/minions of Olympus that stood in my way to you.

1. I will always pause the game when you want to talk…about something besides about how incredible I am at dispatching Nazi zombies with impunity.

2. You can use my gamertag…just please use your own on Halo 3, Modern Warfare 2, NCAA ’11, or any other game my buddy Keith is particularly good at. Long story short, he caught me in a lie before I met you.

3. I promise I will never let you win in Mario Kart Wii.

4. When playing Co-op, you get first choice of the power-ups…but let me have the rocket launcher. It just takes a more delicate touch and there’s, like, no ammo for it on this map.

more after the jump!

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Webinar Hero: the ballad of Jeff Bistro


“I didn’t get here overnight. I had to learn some things about myself.

For instance, I tend to underestimate hobos and my hands don’t shake in prison.”

One of my favorite characters I created for Hubspot. Starring the super-terrific Nate Hinchey. Even if you have no idea what a webinar is (I didn’t have a clue until second draft) enjoy some comedy with your Tuesday. Leave some comment love!

Red Dead Redemption: Oh great, John Marston wants to play poker.


Some Red Dead Redemption humor for you lovers, jokers, and thieves,

John Marston Ruins Our Poker Games.

I'm up 40 bucks in 1911! I could buy Wyoming!

Hey, barefoot Mexican peasant girl! Another whiskey over here! Gracias and such. Nothing goes better with 90 degree dry heat than a warm whiskey.

I am on a roll today! I’ve won at least $40 from the guy in the sombrero and this Landon Ricketts character. Seriously, Ricks, you need to drop the Sam Elliott tribute ‘stache and lighten up. You’re melting in this Mexican sun, sir.

I call. There’s no way you can make that straight with–

Oh no.

Oh son of a bitch.

How does he ALWAYS arrive during magic hour?

Is that John Marston? AGAIN? Christ, he smells like cougar and trail dust. Take a bath, friend. I know you just rented a place in Chuparosa, but were the apartments with wash basins THAT much more expensive?

No, sit next to me. I don’t mind.

Terrific, he’s wearing that “Elegant suit,” like we don’t know he wears it to hide a spare card. This is the fourth time he’s sat down at this table looking like a poor man’s Doc Holiday. Every time he wears the cheating suit some new guy catches him stealing a card and calls him out on it in front of everyone, which is of course an affront to his honor and the only natural way to settle a verbal altercation is to shoot each other in the middle of the town.

Hey Marston, that holster makes your ass look huge.

Hey John, how ’bout we just stop the game right now, you can plug the guy in the sombrero six times in the chest, we agree you’re a badass, and I can stay up forty bucks? How does that sound, partner?

Do you know how many times we’ve shot someone on account of poker before you got here? Zip. Zero. You’ve bumped our card-related homicide rate up by 400%. More importantly, you have an uncanny knack for cheating when I’m up BIG.

I NEED THIS, JOHN! Some of us can’t go jumping on trains or shooting Federales or galloping after cougars! I’m an accountant in the Wild West! This is how I relax! Stop killing the only people in this town who know how to play cards!

No, we don't want to know how you got those scars.

Great, you’re cheating again. Maybe you’d get away with it if you didn’t act like you had Parkinson’s every time you tried to slip a card into your vest.

Sombrero guy just caught you. I can see it. Maybe I can mentally signal him that he can take half my chips if he doesn’t–Nope, he just mistook my subtle gesture as support to shoot Mr. 4 for 4. Maybe Sombrero guy will notice the scars on your face or the multitude of firearms you carry and not challenge you to–

Nope. Wrong again. These Mexicans really get heated about cards. Wow John, it’s really surprising how quickly you got up and walked right to the spot you always shoot people from. Another perfectly nice poker game ruined.

I got 40 on Marston.

Straw! Just kidding. Ok...Saw! Testing your ears...DRAWbridge!

Foursquare Cops season finale: “Going Rogue.”


“I would rather be dead than EVER use Gowalla!”

Check out the season finale of Foursquare Cops, featuring Richard DeAgazio as The Chief! When you’re done watching and you’ve seen the shocking conclusion, tweet @foursquare and tell them to sponsor a second season! Do it now!