Every Elevator Character Ever Created


We’re shin-deep in the final season of the popular web series Elevator and recently I asked the fans if they wanted to help contribute to our final season. To help jump-start your brains (There are over 200 episodes after all, there’s a lot to watch.) I’ve compiled a list and brief summary of all the characters ever introduced in the series. I’m sure I’ve missed one or two, but you get the idea.

Take trip down down the memory shaft or browse this entry and wonder just how the hell someone once paid us to make this. Enjoy

Harold the janitor

I am Iron Man.

Played by Ben Pace

Notable episodes – Enter the Matrix, Harold the Vampire part 2, When you gotta go, The Clone Wars

No one knows how old Harold is or when he first started working at the office, but everyone knows that he was there on his or her first day and he’ll certainly be there on the last…and possibly every day in between. Harold is, to borrow a phrase, “scary smart,” often inventing incredible gadgets and contraptions on a whim and using them for his own pleasure. He has a love/hate relationship with Waldo.

Harold has the unique ability to be sympathetic for everyone while simultaneously cruel to others. He’s generally pleasant to everyone, with the notable exception of litterers and people who don’t recycle. If you don’t follow the basic rules of cleanliness (or if you make Harold’s job difficult) he will hunt you down, harass you, and probably end your career.

Part of Harold’s power is taken from the bin he carries around everywhere. Harold’s bin seems to have magical properties that allow Harold to produce whatever object he needs regardless of size or weight, and in one instance allowed people to see alternate futures when Harold filled the bin with water and dunked people’s heads in it. In the past, Santa Claus has come by the elevator looking for the bin, which has led some to believe that the bin’s lining is Santa’s magic bag. Harold also wields a mop named Bessie Lou.

He’s made allusions to his time in the Navy SEALS, has visited outer space, and pals around with janitors and Hollywood celebrities alike. He’s been divorced several times and doesn’t know his real father, though he suspects William Shatner on a daily basis.

Quotes:

Harold: Guys, I’m not a vampire. I just said and did all that stuff to get chicks.

Harold: Fifteen! One of my favorite bathrooms in the whole building, honestly…except unfortunately I just closed it via remote. There’s an app for that.

Charles Trippy: You’re one sick twisted janitor.

Harold: Thank you. I try.

Mr. Grant: Enough is enough, Harold. I want you out by four.

Harold: Sure. Whatever. I’ll just leave the overflowing toilets in the ladies’ room, the grease fire down in the kitchen, and actually Rachel in shipping who’s going into labor right about [Harold’s watch beeps] now.

Harold: Where’d you go, Waldo? Show yourself, you bastard!

Harold: Are you crying? [tastes tear] Wait a minute, these are tears of sadness!

Harold: Melora, I love you, and when you sing I feel lonelier than an infant in a meth den, but you’ve got to ramp it up!

 

ALL OTHER CHARACTERS AFTER THE JUMP

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Elevator Thursday! Batman vs. Spider-Man


This week’s Elevator episode asks the very tough question…who’s better? The Batman or Spider-Man? The answer may shock you.

Guest starring Lesley Tsina of Slave Leia and Squatters’ Brendan Bradley!

Webinar Hero: the ballad of Jeff Bistro


“I didn’t get here overnight. I had to learn some things about myself.

For instance, I tend to underestimate hobos and my hands don’t shake in prison.”

One of my favorite characters I created for Hubspot. Starring the super-terrific Nate Hinchey. Even if you have no idea what a webinar is (I didn’t have a clue until second draft) enjoy some comedy with your Tuesday. Leave some comment love!

I Think Lord Vader Is Gay


Letters From Dagobah: Written comedy from the Star Wars universe.

“I think Lord Vader is gay.”

What, you think WE designed these uniforms?

From: Lt. Preston Cole, Imperial Navy, Executor bridge crew

To: Lt. George Grant, Imperial Navy, Engineering

Subject: Check around before you open this.

First things first: You cheated yesterday in whack-a-Jawa. You know it. I know it.

He's not even LOOKING at her!

I’ve been on the bridge of the Executor for a few months now, and you know I’ve had plenty of piss-your-pants moments with Lord Vader. For a seven-foot tall asthmatic that can’t walk properly, he sneaks up on me more than I’d care to admit. Vader’s terrifying: he enslaves planets, he slaughtered legions of Wookiees, and he chokes dudes by thinking about it.

The lady officers and the dark groupies around here love that stuff. The black suit, all those hours silently staring out into space, the mass murders, it’s gold. It works. I have seen girls actually throw themselves at his black meditation egg. Granted, they’re instantly evaporated by the chamber’s security system, but I think that’s an indication of how badly ladies want to get underneath that suit. He can get out of that thing, right?

But here’s the thing: for all the females in our military who are positively moist by his history of violence, none of them have bedded the Darth Vader, and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s not like it’s forbidden; remember when Emperor Palpatine broadcasted his sex tape…well, remember when we were forced to watch that? If an eleventy-billion year old guy with a face like melted silly putty can pull three barely legal Togrutas and a surprisingly flexible Mandalorian, what exactly is holding Vader back?

Darth Vader has to be gay.

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Foursquare Cops vs. Facebook Investigators


Who will come out on top when Detective John Hardy and Officer Frank Ashton tread on the Facebook Investigators’ jurisdiction? The answer will probably not surprise you.

Jessica Rose makes me awkward.


Star of interwebz and screen Jessica Rose makes an appearance in this week’s Elevator. It’s going to be supremely uncomfortable.

Commander Shepard Is A Man Whore


Commander Shepard is a Man Whore.

Girl talk with Yeoman Kelly Chambers

It's not "Jersey Shore In Space," but it's knocking on the door.

From: Yeoman Kelly Chambers
To: Miranda Lawson, Jack, Tali’Zorah vas Normany
Subject: Girl talk. WAKE UP! Shepard’s playing the whole ship!

Hey girls,

"He also makes me schedule his booty calls."

Yeoman Kelly Chambers here. You may not know who I am, mostly because you never seem to leave your office, the drive core, or your creepily lit basement. You know we’ve got a bathroom, right? It’s on the third floor.

So we’re all on a quest to save the galaxy from an alien race that’s abducting whole human colony worlds. No doubt command has pounded into your skulls that this is likely a one-way trip. This probably ignites a lot of desires for closure and acceptance, but apparently the one desire you all have in common is boning Commander Shepard.

Girls, I get it! I’m his personal assistant. I run his private message terminal, and you would not believe how many ladies, regardless of age, species, or creed have his email.

I know you may feel strongly about him, but you gotta know that the Commander is not a one-creature man. He’s an interstellar Situation: he just doesn’t care what he’s creeping on!

Here’s where it gets real. Did anyone tell you about Virmire two years ago? When they set off the nuke and Shepard had to leave someone behind? There’s a really good chance our Commander left his buddy to die simply because he wanted a shot at boning teammate Ashley Williams. Just something to keep in mind if you think you’re the only one riding Shepard’s crook.

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