Gamer Love Letter

Baby, you know I love you. You also know how much I love video games. Sure, we play the odd console game now and then, but I know sometimes you think I put plug and play over…well, you get the idea. So to let you know how I truly feel about you, I’ve written you a love letter. It’s written in the blood of all the Covenant/Helghast/minions of Olympus that stood in my way to you.

1. I will always pause the game when you want to talk…about something besides about how incredible I am at dispatching Nazi zombies with impunity.

2. You can use my gamertag…just please use your own on Halo 3, Modern Warfare 2, NCAA ’11, or any other game my buddy Keith is particularly good at. Long story short, he caught me in a lie before I met you.

3. I promise I will never let you win in Mario Kart Wii.

4. When playing Co-op, you get first choice of the power-ups…but let me have the rocket launcher. It just takes a more delicate touch and there’s, like, no ammo for it on this map.

more after the jump!

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Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

An appeal to reason

First indication that tights are not for you.

I recently got off a red eye flight to my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts and, bleary eyed and bewildered like Kiefer Sutherland, sucker punched my way to baggage claim. I’m on about forty minutes of sleep. I smell like a bad decision. A guy walked by me and threw some change at my feet, saying, “Good luck out there, buddy.” Yet for all my obvious failings, I was not the most retch-inducing individual waiting for his matching Spider-Man luggage. No, friends, lovers, and thieves, it was the Fat Children of Fat Family wearing skinny jeans. Dear Logan airport, I apologize for the vomit.

Someone explain this to me, PLEASE. I know we humans have an amazing gift for self-deception (see all my “Things I Can’t Take Back” posts) but how on God’s green Earth does a hefty guy or girl put on those Fall-Out Boy leggings and think, “I’m really bringing it today?”

Look, I’m happy that you lost fifty pounds and just got the lap band, but you’ve still got rolls of cottage cheese flesh that have made the great escape past your clothes. All I see is peachy dough muffin-topping your waistband, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS? You look like an upside down bowling pin! How are you even standing up?!?

Do you know who looks good in skinny jeans? Wait for it. Say it with me…SKINNY PEOPLE! The price of admission is RIGHT THERE ON THE NAME! I can only imagine the actual reason you’re wearing those thigh-huggers is you tried them on somewhere and now you cannot remove them no matter how hard you try. Insert joke about Jersey here, and read my brilliant solution after the jump.

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Han Solo to Lando: “Not a scratch, you said!”

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

In happier times.

In happier times.

Hey Lando,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to see you in person. Things got a little bit nuts right after the battle and the Ewoks insisted on throwing a little BBQ. One drink turned into about seven or thirteen, and then her royal highness-of-no-existing-planet starts giving me the business, blah blah blah…let’s just say I’m not so scruffy-lookin’ no more.

(I’m saying I hit it.)

Pay up, Antilles!

Pay up, Antilles!

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10 Thought Tuesday: Rap song covers that are better than the orginals

Rap songs can be mind-blowingly awful (see my thoughts on Asher Roth). Some are wonderful, but occasionally they’re made better by those who have no connection whatsoever to the rap game. Look, if Jay-Z can do part of “Wonderwall,” I feel totally comfortable telling you which rap songs are made better by white dudes in bushy beards. A great rap cover will either:

1) expose the lyrics for the mindless, talentless, moronic rhyming couplets that they are.


2) take the song in a completely different, often softer and dangerously emotive, direction. Who would have thought you’d make love to “Hey Ya” after sophomore year of college!

10. Hey Ya covered by Mat Weddle of Obadiah Parker- At first I wondered why Zack Gilifinakis was covering an Outkast song. Then I pressed play and really enjoyed this in an indulgent, sensitive way. It goes really well with my just purchased copy of “New Moon.”


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John Madden, you can’t retire

Yesterday I heard that John Madden retired. I immediately yelled, “Boom!” and sent Roommate Tony an excited email with the link ( ), confirming this. In just a few months, we rid ourselves of John Madden AND Brett Favre. I look at this as the NFL’s master cleanse.


"The docs say my heart's THIS big!"

"The docs say my heart's THIS big!"

I sent a text to my dad, “Here’s a guy when he retires he stops working!” I was almost skipping around the apartment. I imagined Chris Collinsworth perched in the NBC booth with Al Michaels, high fiving people on his way to Inside The NFL, waving his new deal under Phil Simms’ nose and demanding to know what Phil thinks of those apples.

It was a good day.

Then I realized a terrible, awful truth. John Madden can’t retire. My reason after the jump.

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A letter from Aziz Ansari to Kal Penn

Aziz’s publicist would like you to know that Aziz did NOT write this letter. If he did, it would be a heckuva lot funnier. Watch Parks and Recreation tonight on NBC. Kisses, Woody.

Dear Kal,

You are the greatest human being alive.

-by Aziz Ansari

the good news is I look like this when I shave.

the good news is I look like this when I shave.

Hey Kal, it’s Aziz Ansari. I just heard that you killed yourself on the most watched medical drama on television and joined the White House for as long as the Obama Administration goes. I just wanted to write you real quick and say thanks on behalf of us ethnic comedians. You’re doing a real solid.


Just a quick question, did you have to do any prep work for the “Van Wilder” series?

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I will hate you for liking this song: Asher Roth must be stopped.

I posted this on facebook back in January, hoping that this abomination would go away. I heard the beginning of it on the local Top 40 station today and I’ve realized I must double my efforts. Please Digg or forward this.



Please get the intern out of the booth. Mr. Lil' Jon has serious work to do.

Please get the intern out of the booth. Mr. Lil' Jon has serious work to do.

This morning I drove into work and, because BOY do I listen to a lot of hip hop radio, I was listening to Power 106, LA’s biggest hip-hop station. As I was pulling in, a song came on by a guy named Asher Roth, titled “I Love College.” He samples Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So,” which is a good choice. As I listened to the lyrics, however, I became enraged. So enraged, in fact, that I’m going to tell you what I like about this Asher fellow before I go to motherfucking town on him.

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