10 Thought Tuesday: Times to use your Batman voice

Ten Thought Tuesday: Times and places to use the Batman voice.

I can't believe there's a line at the club.

Love it or hate it, Christian Bale’s Batman voice is the number one way to get people to notice you short of discharging a flare gun in your local Starbucks. Because I’m always thinking of you and how to enrich your lives, here are ten socially acceptable awesome situations to use your very own Batman/Rorschach/Clint Eastwood voice:

10. At the drive-thru.

Well someone sure wants a McRib.

9. At the bar.

You might want to test the waters before breaking this one out. As terrifying as your Batman voice is, you’re going to sound pretty silly talking in it surrounded by smashed beer bottles on the floor.

8. Playing XBOX Live.

There’s no way I’m the first person to think of this, but someone’s got to stand up to those acne-ridden, Disturbed-blaring, slur-tossing jerkoffs who are currently teabagging my digital corpse.

7. Telling someone they’re the symbol of hope you can never be.

Bromance never sounded so good. Speaking of romance…

6. In bed.

If “Swear to me!” isn’t being used in your foreplay already, you’re doing it wrong.

5. Ordering wine at a really expensive restaurant.

Ever played credit card roulette, where one unlucky friend has to pay the bill when their credit card is pulled? Try this: one person has one shot to order a bottle in the Batman voice. If they nail it, they don’t pay for it. If they don’t, they’re buying. Sound easy? Pop quiz, hotshot:  The 1961 Château Cheval Blanc. Do it. Do it NOW! Swear to me!

4. Recording your voice mail message.

May I suggest simply, “Where is he?” And then laughing at your friends’ confused replies? Warning: this one gets old fast.

3. Giving the safety briefing before the plane takes off.

You’ve never felt more secure. You’ve never felt more terrified.

2. Testifying in front of Congress.

Three words: Hall Of Fame.

1. Challenging your traffic ticket.

If you can use all of these phrases in order, I’ll pay for your speeding infraction.

“You wanted me. Here I am.” “What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone’s as ugly as you?” “Why?” and finally, as they take you away for contempt of court: “Do I look like a cop?”

I must have missed at least one winner. Let me know in the comments!

PS: Reader submitted

From Sarah B:

“Dealing with an unhelpful customer service representative. Saying “I’m the goddamn Batman” as often as possible would be wise.”

10 Thought Tuesday: Things I’ve Learned From Video Games

Karl Marx once wrote, “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” Clearly, Comrade Karl did not anticipate the XBOX360.

Americans alone spend hours and hours each week playing video games, leading many big-name titles to make more money in their first week than most motion pictures. We line up for midnight releases, we frag our friends for sport every weekend, and we learn valuable life lessons that I pass on to you in this edition of 10 Thought Tuesday.

(One Mass Effect 2 spoiler ahead for those who haven’t played it through.)

10. My ability to wield a giant sword is directly proportional to the ridiculousness of my haircut.

Did I forget to mention my giant sword is also a gun?

I dare you to say "Compensating" one. more. time.

ok, yeah. Compensating.

10 Thought Tuesday: GI Joe