10 Thought Tuesday: Times to use your Batman voice


Ten Thought Tuesday: Times and places to use the Batman voice.

I can't believe there's a line at the club.

Love it or hate it, Christian Bale’s Batman voice is the number one way to get people to notice you short of discharging a flare gun in your local Starbucks. Because I’m always thinking of you and how to enrich your lives, here are ten socially acceptable awesome situations to use your very own Batman/Rorschach/Clint Eastwood voice:

10. At the drive-thru.

Well someone sure wants a McRib.

9. At the bar.

You might want to test the waters before breaking this one out. As terrifying as your Batman voice is, you’re going to sound pretty silly talking in it surrounded by smashed beer bottles on the floor.

8. Playing XBOX Live.

There’s no way I’m the first person to think of this, but someone’s got to stand up to those acne-ridden, Disturbed-blaring, slur-tossing jerkoffs who are currently teabagging my digital corpse.

7. Telling someone they’re the symbol of hope you can never be.

Bromance never sounded so good. Speaking of romance…

6. In bed.

If “Swear to me!” isn’t being used in your foreplay already, you’re doing it wrong.

5. Ordering wine at a really expensive restaurant.

Ever played credit card roulette, where one unlucky friend has to pay the bill when their credit card is pulled? Try this: one person has one shot to order a bottle in the Batman voice. If they nail it, they don’t pay for it. If they don’t, they’re buying. Sound easy? Pop quiz, hotshot:  The 1961 Château Cheval Blanc. Do it. Do it NOW! Swear to me!

4. Recording your voice mail message.

May I suggest simply, “Where is he?” And then laughing at your friends’ confused replies? Warning: this one gets old fast.

3. Giving the safety briefing before the plane takes off.

You’ve never felt more secure. You’ve never felt more terrified.

2. Testifying in front of Congress.

Three words: Hall Of Fame.

1. Challenging your traffic ticket.

If you can use all of these phrases in order, I’ll pay for your speeding infraction.

“You wanted me. Here I am.” “What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone’s as ugly as you?” “Why?” and finally, as they take you away for contempt of court: “Do I look like a cop?”

I must have missed at least one winner. Let me know in the comments!

PS: Reader submitted

From Sarah B:

“Dealing with an unhelpful customer service representative. Saying “I’m the goddamn Batman” as often as possible would be wise.”

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10 Thought Tuesday: Things I’ve Learned From Video Games


Karl Marx once wrote, “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” Clearly, Comrade Karl did not anticipate the XBOX360.

Americans alone spend hours and hours each week playing video games, leading many big-name titles to make more money in their first week than most motion pictures. We line up for midnight releases, we frag our friends for sport every weekend, and we learn valuable life lessons that I pass on to you in this edition of 10 Thought Tuesday.

(One Mass Effect 2 spoiler ahead for those who haven’t played it through.)

10. My ability to wield a giant sword is directly proportional to the ridiculousness of my haircut.

Did I forget to mention my giant sword is also a gun?

I dare you to say "Compensating" one. more. time.

ok, yeah. Compensating.

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10 Thought Tuesday: GI Joe


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10 Thought Tuesday: Movie and TV lines never said in real life


There are things said in TV and movies that we willfully suspend disbelief for. They just aren’t said in real life, and if they are, no one takes them the way they’re taken in film and television. Here’s a few, some with explanations, some without. Please add your own in the comments and I’ll throw the good ones into the post!

10. “It’s a date!”

"I'm so scared right now, I think I really did pee myself."

"I'm so scared right now, I think I really did pee myself."

This is the teenage kiss of death in all movies and tv shows. It’s always said by the one who’s in control of the relationship,. Tyra to Landry, Van Wilder to Tara Reid, Bella Swan to Jacob Black (yeah, I went there. F you). The other character will ALWAYS hang up the phone, walk in the opposite direction down the school hallway, continue skydiving and repeat in half-whisper to themselves, “it’s a date.”

They will then spend far too much time getting a new haircut, buying a new outfit, trying not to turn into a teen werewolf, and they’ll ALWAYS go overboard and be exteremely odd by the time they reach the Applebee’s/library/ethnic cleansing.

This just doesn’t happen in real life. 9 through 1 after the jump!

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10 Thought Tuesday: Rap song covers that are better than the orginals


Rap songs can be mind-blowingly awful (see my thoughts on Asher Roth). Some are wonderful, but occasionally they’re made better by those who have no connection whatsoever to the rap game. Look, if Jay-Z can do part of “Wonderwall,” I feel totally comfortable telling you which rap songs are made better by white dudes in bushy beards. A great rap cover will either:

1) expose the lyrics for the mindless, talentless, moronic rhyming couplets that they are.

or

2) take the song in a completely different, often softer and dangerously emotive, direction. Who would have thought you’d make love to “Hey Ya” after sophomore year of college!

10. Hey Ya covered by Mat Weddle of Obadiah Parker- At first I wondered why Zack Gilifinakis was covering an Outkast song. Then I pressed play and really enjoyed this in an indulgent, sensitive way. It goes really well with my just purchased copy of “New Moon.”

9 THROUGH 1 AFTER THE JUMP

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