Foursquare Cops: “I’d rather be called ‘Bubbles.'”

“Never have I ever…been fired from a mall security position.”

This is the uncut and extended version with all the jokes built in. Have a viewing and get to know everyone’s favorite social media arbiters better!


I Think Lord Vader Is Gay

Letters From Dagobah: Written comedy from the Star Wars universe.

“I think Lord Vader is gay.”

What, you think WE designed these uniforms?

From: Lt. Preston Cole, Imperial Navy, Executor bridge crew

To: Lt. George Grant, Imperial Navy, Engineering

Subject: Check around before you open this.

First things first: You cheated yesterday in whack-a-Jawa. You know it. I know it.

He's not even LOOKING at her!

I’ve been on the bridge of the Executor for a few months now, and you know I’ve had plenty of piss-your-pants moments with Lord Vader. For a seven-foot tall asthmatic that can’t walk properly, he sneaks up on me more than I’d care to admit. Vader’s terrifying: he enslaves planets, he slaughtered legions of Wookiees, and he chokes dudes by thinking about it.

The lady officers and the dark groupies around here love that stuff. The black suit, all those hours silently staring out into space, the mass murders, it’s gold. It works. I have seen girls actually throw themselves at his black meditation egg. Granted, they’re instantly evaporated by the chamber’s security system, but I think that’s an indication of how badly ladies want to get underneath that suit. He can get out of that thing, right?

But here’s the thing: for all the females in our military who are positively moist by his history of violence, none of them have bedded the Darth Vader, and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s not like it’s forbidden; remember when Emperor Palpatine broadcasted his sex tape…well, remember when we were forced to watch that? If an eleventy-billion year old guy with a face like melted silly putty can pull three barely legal Togrutas and a surprisingly flexible Mandalorian, what exactly is holding Vader back?

Darth Vader has to be gay.

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Foursquare Cops vs. Facebook Investigators

Who will come out on top when Detective John Hardy and Officer Frank Ashton tread on the Facebook Investigators’ jurisdiction? The answer will probably not surprise you.

Elevator at the Streamy Awards!

Someone photoshop a Streamy award in my drinking hand.

Why Elevator deserves a nomination for Best Comedy Web Series in the 2010 Streamy Awards

Why Elevator deserves a nomination in the 2010 Streamy Awards

How can you say no to most of these faces?

Dear IAWTV member, fans, friends, haters, and Mom,

Every year I’m wowed by the new media community and the content we create. Innovation, storytelling, casting, cinematography, the strides we’ve taken are truly remarkable.

The 2nd annual Streamy Awards are just another example of new media’s continued advancement; the show is fantastically produced by newteevee and tubefilter, who give all of us web creators a goal to work towards.

The series and people honored in the Streamys are new media’s cream of the crop; and I’m telling you, friends, lovers, and thieves, that my web series Elevator completely deserves a nomination in the Best Comedy Web Series category.

To break it down for you, I’ll briefly highlight our achievements in concept (the web’s first video comic strip), the huge audience (over 58 million served) that loves our concept, and the incredible talent (TV, commercial, and film stars) that brings all of this to life.

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Commander Shepard Is A Man Whore

Commander Shepard is a Man Whore.

Girl talk with Yeoman Kelly Chambers

It's not "Jersey Shore In Space," but it's knocking on the door.

From: Yeoman Kelly Chambers
To: Miranda Lawson, Jack, Tali’Zorah vas Normany
Subject: Girl talk. WAKE UP! Shepard’s playing the whole ship!

Hey girls,

"He also makes me schedule his booty calls."

Yeoman Kelly Chambers here. You may not know who I am, mostly because you never seem to leave your office, the drive core, or your creepily lit basement. You know we’ve got a bathroom, right? It’s on the third floor.

So we’re all on a quest to save the galaxy from an alien race that’s abducting whole human colony worlds. No doubt command has pounded into your skulls that this is likely a one-way trip. This probably ignites a lot of desires for closure and acceptance, but apparently the one desire you all have in common is boning Commander Shepard.

Girls, I get it! I’m his personal assistant. I run his private message terminal, and you would not believe how many ladies, regardless of age, species, or creed have his email.

I know you may feel strongly about him, but you gotta know that the Commander is not a one-creature man. He’s an interstellar Situation: he just doesn’t care what he’s creeping on!

Here’s where it gets real. Did anyone tell you about Virmire two years ago? When they set off the nuke and Shepard had to leave someone behind? There’s a really good chance our Commander left his buddy to die simply because he wanted a shot at boning teammate Ashley Williams. Just something to keep in mind if you think you’re the only one riding Shepard’s crook.

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BY FAR the grossest Elevator yet

It’s 30 seconds long, but it will haunt you forever. Kinda like when I lost my virginity.