Gamer Love Letter


Baby, you know I love you. You also know how much I love video games. Sure, we play the odd console game now and then, but I know sometimes you think I put plug and play over…well, you get the idea. So to let you know how I truly feel about you, I’ve written you a love letter. It’s written in the blood of all the Covenant/Helghast/minions of Olympus that stood in my way to you.

1. I will always pause the game when you want to talk…about something besides about how incredible I am at dispatching Nazi zombies with impunity.

2. You can use my gamertag…just please use your own on Halo 3, Modern Warfare 2, NCAA ’11, or any other game my buddy Keith is particularly good at. Long story short, he caught me in a lie before I met you.

3. I promise I will never let you win in Mario Kart Wii.

4. When playing Co-op, you get first choice of the power-ups…but let me have the rocket launcher. It just takes a more delicate touch and there’s, like, no ammo for it on this map.

more after the jump!

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10 Thought Tuesday: Things I’ve Learned From Video Games


Karl Marx once wrote, “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” Clearly, Comrade Karl did not anticipate the XBOX360.

Americans alone spend hours and hours each week playing video games, leading many big-name titles to make more money in their first week than most motion pictures. We line up for midnight releases, we frag our friends for sport every weekend, and we learn valuable life lessons that I pass on to you in this edition of 10 Thought Tuesday.

(One Mass Effect 2 spoiler ahead for those who haven’t played it through.)

10. My ability to wield a giant sword is directly proportional to the ridiculousness of my haircut.

Did I forget to mention my giant sword is also a gun?

I dare you to say "Compensating" one. more. time.

ok, yeah. Compensating.

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Commander Shepard Is A Man Whore


Commander Shepard is a Man Whore.

Girl talk with Yeoman Kelly Chambers

It's not "Jersey Shore In Space," but it's knocking on the door.

From: Yeoman Kelly Chambers
To: Miranda Lawson, Jack, Tali’Zorah vas Normany
Subject: Girl talk. WAKE UP! Shepard’s playing the whole ship!

Hey girls,

"He also makes me schedule his booty calls."

Yeoman Kelly Chambers here. You may not know who I am, mostly because you never seem to leave your office, the drive core, or your creepily lit basement. You know we’ve got a bathroom, right? It’s on the third floor.

So we’re all on a quest to save the galaxy from an alien race that’s abducting whole human colony worlds. No doubt command has pounded into your skulls that this is likely a one-way trip. This probably ignites a lot of desires for closure and acceptance, but apparently the one desire you all have in common is boning Commander Shepard.

Girls, I get it! I’m his personal assistant. I run his private message terminal, and you would not believe how many ladies, regardless of age, species, or creed have his email.

I know you may feel strongly about him, but you gotta know that the Commander is not a one-creature man. He’s an interstellar Situation: he just doesn’t care what he’s creeping on!

Here’s where it gets real. Did anyone tell you about Virmire two years ago? When they set off the nuke and Shepard had to leave someone behind? There’s a really good chance our Commander left his buddy to die simply because he wanted a shot at boning teammate Ashley Williams. Just something to keep in mind if you think you’re the only one riding Shepard’s crook.

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