I posted this on facebook back in January, hoping that this abomination would go away. I heard the beginning of it on the local Top 40 station today and I’ve realized I must double my efforts. Please Digg or forward this.
This morning I drove into work and, because BOY do I listen to a lot of hip hop radio, I was listening to Power 106, LA’s biggest hip-hop station. As I was pulling in, a song came on by a guy named Asher Roth, titled “I Love College.” He samples Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So,” which is a good choice. As I listened to the lyrics, however, I became enraged. So enraged, in fact, that I’m going to tell you what I like about this Asher fellow before I go to motherfucking town on him.
I’m sure he’ll find success, and because of a horrible first impression I’m inclined to not listen to his future releases. I hope his stuff’s good and I hope to be surprised in the future. Good for him making money on a song. He’s possibly made more money than I have. God, that was hard to say.
In ten seconds of research, I see his voice has been compared to Eminem. He flows well from verse to verse (actually, no. I take that back upon re-reading), doesn’t ask too much, and the Weezer sample is catchy (oh thank GOD for Rock Band!) Also, he’s unabashedly schoolboy prep-white, and doesn’t rap about chains, guns, or stuff that he would have absolutely no freaking idea what he was talking about. He’s real, he’s doing well for himself, I’ll give him all of that. That’s…about it.
“I Love College” is one of the most pandering songs I’ve ever heard, and the part that makes me want to go Wolverine on some fools is the simple fact that college kids will EAT THIS SHIT UP. I PROMISE you, every Friday night party at Boston College will now feature this song. Excuse me for a second, I just vomited a small part of my soul.
Stupid songs are not uncommon (I point an Evil Monkey finger at “Because I Got High”). Generic college songs are not uncommon (I shake my head at “In College” by Brad Paisley). But this REDEFINES “Stupid. Generic. Pandering. College. Song.”
“But Woody,” you say, holding your hands up and telling me to put the knife down, “surely it can’t be as bad as your heavy handed analogies are telling us.”
Shut up. Sit down. Read these lyrics.
Against my better judgement, here’s the link to the song. Listen and be appalled as you read.
drink my beer and smoke my weed
but my good friends is all i need
pass out at 3 wake up at 10
go out to eat then do it again
-Well, that’s not terrible, but it’s awfully stupid, too. Lil’ Jon is probably impressed, though.
But WAIT! It gets worse!
i wanna go to college for the rest of my life
sip bankers club and drink miller lite
on thirsty thursday and tuesday night ice
and i can get pizza a dollar a slice
This is when stupid college kids say, “OMG! I totally say that!” And it should remain that way. Just stating the facts is not the same as making it interesting or worthy of public consumption. I mean, every rapper talks about the VIP, but only Jay-z can make it sound like a business, man. God, hip hop can be stupid.
“so fill up my cuplets get fucked up
im next on the tablewho want what
i am champion at beer pong
allen iverson hakeem olajuwon
-These are the most ingenious lyrics in the history of man. Again, this was played on LA’s biggest hip hop station. I hope it was just some nerdy intern who was immediately fired when people realized what he’d done.
Upon re-reading, this group of lyrics read like a really drunk kid scribbling on the walls in crayon. Some people call this “minutiae” and consider it smart. It’s not fucking Hemingway, friends.
dont even bounce, not in my house
better hope you make itotherwise you naked
time isnt wasted when youre getting wasted
-At this point I am honestly pounding my head against the steering wheel, willing myself unconscious. I was Tom Cruise in “Vanilla Sky,” running through a vacuous nightmare with no end in sight. There would be no tech support.
man i love college
and i love drinkin
i love women
i love college
-I wish I could say I was making these words up. Again, let me repeat what you are undoubtedly thinking, someone actually put these words down, thinking they were a good idea, made music to them, PUT THEM ON AN AUDIO PLAYBACK FORMAT, and sent it to someone, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS.
I am not saying these events are not genuine. I’m 25 and organize pub crawls. Something is fundamentally wrong with me. I still live in a fantasy world where I consider myself 20 years old and far more awesome than I actually am BUT THIS SONG IS GOD AWFUL and some of the worst pandering I’ve ever seen. Where is Ludacris when you need him?!?
i cant tell you what i learned from school
but i could tell you a story or two
um yea of course i learned some rules
like dont pass out with your shoes on
and dont leave the house till the booze gone
and dont have sex if shes too gone
when it comes to condoms put two on
-I’m choosing to ignore the “double bag rule” and the obvious speculation about where Mr. Roth attended university. But wow,
now if everybody would please
put their drink as high as they can
as high as they can
and repeat after me
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN
DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY
KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND
-Finally, Mr. Roth gets the heart of the matter. He sat in front of a white board with a ton of words that relate to college, put them in his fist, and literally threw them at the wall, magnetic poetry style. This, loyal readers, is the result.
And you’re going to drink your ass off to it.
There’s a 30% chance you’ll meet your spouse to it.
I judge you…almost as harshly as I judge Asher Roth.