10 Thought Tuesday: Times to use your Batman voice


Ten Thought Tuesday: Times and places to use the Batman voice.

I can't believe there's a line at the club.

Love it or hate it, Christian Bale’s Batman voice is the number one way to get people to notice you short of discharging a flare gun in your local Starbucks. Because I’m always thinking of you and how to enrich your lives, here are ten socially acceptable awesome situations to use your very own Batman/Rorschach/Clint Eastwood voice:

10. At the drive-thru.

Well someone sure wants a McRib.

9. At the bar.

You might want to test the waters before breaking this one out. As terrifying as your Batman voice is, you’re going to sound pretty silly talking in it surrounded by smashed beer bottles on the floor.

8. Playing XBOX Live.

There’s no way I’m the first person to think of this, but someone’s got to stand up to those acne-ridden, Disturbed-blaring, slur-tossing jerkoffs who are currently teabagging my digital corpse.

7. Telling someone they’re the symbol of hope you can never be.

Bromance never sounded so good. Speaking of romance…

6. In bed.

If “Swear to me!” isn’t being used in your foreplay already, you’re doing it wrong.

5. Ordering wine at a really expensive restaurant.

Ever played credit card roulette, where one unlucky friend has to pay the bill when their credit card is pulled? Try this: one person has one shot to order a bottle in the Batman voice. If they nail it, they don’t pay for it. If they don’t, they’re buying. Sound easy? Pop quiz, hotshot:  The 1961 Château Cheval Blanc. Do it. Do it NOW! Swear to me!

4. Recording your voice mail message.

May I suggest simply, “Where is he?” And then laughing at your friends’ confused replies? Warning: this one gets old fast.

3. Giving the safety briefing before the plane takes off.

You’ve never felt more secure. You’ve never felt more terrified.

2. Testifying in front of Congress.

Three words: Hall Of Fame.

1. Challenging your traffic ticket.

If you can use all of these phrases in order, I’ll pay for your speeding infraction.

“You wanted me. Here I am.” “What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone’s as ugly as you?” “Why?” and finally, as they take you away for contempt of court: “Do I look like a cop?”

I must have missed at least one winner. Let me know in the comments!

PS: Reader submitted

From Sarah B:

“Dealing with an unhelpful customer service representative. Saying “I’m the goddamn Batman” as often as possible would be wise.”

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8 Responses

  1. When dealing with an unhelpful customer service representative. Saying “I’m the goddamn Batman” as often as possible would be wise.

  2. when your room mate eats your food, wait till he’s sleeping, carefully string him up by his feet and wake him up to the screams of “WHERE IS HE!”

  3. Vice versa on the “unhelpful customer service”, rather an undeniably ubertarded dim-wit trying to use their computer.

  4. You forgot to add “WHERE IS THE JOKER?” for any situation.

    • Gah! You got me, nophilip.

  5. Going into battle: “I’m not wearing hockey pads.”

  6. When getting chewed out for something at work/ school, simply stay quiet and respond to every question with, “That is irrelevant. Now tell me where he is?!”

  7. Priests should use the Batman voice during communion.

    “Body of Christ!”
    “don’t hurt me!”
    “SWEAR TO ME! BODY OF FUCKIN’ CHRIST!”
    “AMEN! (crying) please don’t hurt me Father! Please don’t hurt me!”

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