Karl Marx once wrote, “Religion is the opiate of the masses.” Clearly, Comrade Karl did not anticipate the XBOX360.
Americans alone spend hours and hours each week playing video games, leading many big-name titles to make more money in their first week than most motion pictures. We line up for midnight releases, we frag our friends for sport every weekend, and we learn valuable life lessons that I pass on to you in this edition of 10 Thought Tuesday.
(One Mass Effect 2 spoiler ahead for those who haven’t played it through.)
10. My ability to wield a giant sword is directly proportional to the ridiculousness of my haircut.
Did I forget to mention my giant sword is also a gun?
9. Despite humanity’s relatively short lifespan, chronic infighting, and only using 10% of our brains, we are the secret key to everything in the universe.
Because, you know, we don’t consider ourselves nearly important enough in the cosmos.
8. When the health pack is next to the heavy weapons ammo, there’s a world of hurt ahead.
7. Never, ever, EVER trust the Russians.
I cannot stress this enough.
5. If you shoot a tank enough times with a handgun it will eventually explode.
4. If I’m shot or severely injured from a fall, resting quietly in a corner will heal all my wounds.
If that won’t work, eat a hot dog.
3. If I hear a sexy girl’s voice in my head, it’s because she was assigned to me by government/military/Jesus and I should listen to everything she tells me to do.
2. I can force a trade that puts Peyton Manning and Tom Brady on the same team…and then force Peyton to ride the pine pony for the rest of the season.
Why? A) I’m a vindictive jerk. B) It gives him all the time he needs to make commercials. It’s a service.
1. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s when you saved the game.