Note: I was just sent a link that says that we might be worried about nothing. Thank goodness this won’t actually be made:
Hey, CW execs, let’s have a chat here.
I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t believe in you. Apparently Smallville was the shit and if One Tree Hill has been going on this long, you must be doing something right. You also tried out Reaper, a 90210 reboot, and the KTLA evening news. I want to believe that your executive boardroom is not filled by the likes of Colonel Klink, Bowser, Harmony from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the Detroit Lions coaching staff…but then I read that there’s a Gossip Girl spinoff coming up.
About Lily and Rufus.
In Los Angeles.
In the 1980’s.
This, quite frankly, just destroys any level of WTFery I had at this point. This isn’t “They Moved The Island.” This isn’t Bridget Moynihan pulling the goalie to accept Tom Brady’s seed. This isn’t Chris Webber inventing timeouts in the NCAA Championship. This isn’t even on the same planet of those WTFs.
Will you follow me over here, please? Do you see this diagram I’ve put together? These are the most important parts of Gossip Girl, the hottest show you have right now (I thought that would be exceedingly obvious, but given current events, you never know).
#1: Blair Waldorf—The most important character in the books. The one with the most charisma, boldest fashion, and leads Gossip Girl fantasy leagues in “Oh no she didn’t” quotes per episode. No, your spinoff won’t be anywhere near Queen B.
#2: Chuck Bass—The breakout star of this series. He attempted to rape two girls in the pilot episode and now every girl is moist when he says his catch phrase. He’s dangerous, awesome, and the other half of TV’s most intriguing couple today (who’s also your #1 important part of GG right now…again, I have to idiot proof this). But no, the future head of Quantum will also have nothing to do with this spinoff.
#3: Serena and her magical boobs—I mean, Jesus. I don’t even have words. Do you think she’s the reason we haven’t heard from Misha Barton in, like, a year? But no, no Serena.
#4: The City of New York—Do you really think New York Magazine strokes you off because your fashion sense is absurdly hip? Just like New York was a character in Sex and the City, you can’t escape the flavors that the boroughs bring to your show. It’s the battleground of your unspoken class war. Of course your spin-off will avoid this city like I avoid people who wear Crocs (again, I don’t care if you can eat them).
You choose to alienate your ENTIRE demographic! What data made you think this was a remotely good idea? Lily and Rufus were shoehorned as the adults’ great love story! Did you really think we were going to swoon over Eleanor Waldor and Vizzini from “Princess Bride?” You know what? We kinda did! Inconceivably not enough!
I feel like the Captain in Bad Boys 2, when Martin Lawrence, Will Smith, and Michael Bay had just gone through destroying a Miami bridge and I’m looking through the objectives.
“So you’ve got the characters the audience loves?”
No. B storyline material most episodes…at best.
“No strong characters. But it will be set in the city that makes us hip and relevant?”
Nope. Going to the other side of the country.
“No NYC. But it will be set during or after the events of this current series?”
Yeah, about that: we’ve been watching a lot of “Life on Mars” and were thinking more “period piece.”
“None of those. So all this…oh, and we’ll be shipping off some of our writers…is for…?”
WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!? I am about to send Jack Bauer to their house for immediate extraction to Gitmo while we still have it!
Look, I know you think the 80’s is a good idea. Who doesn’t? Let me tell you something really quick from a late-night game of 80’s Trivial Pursuit I played last week. Everyone pretends to really love the 80’s…but no one knows anything about it and couldn’t care more than to scratch the surface if that.
This is rigged for so much epic fail, you might as well have Wil E. Coyote as executive producer. Oh snap.
I know what you’re thinking, CW execs. Why don’t I shut my trap if I don’t have a better idea? Ok, let’s spitball this guy real quick:
1: Jenny’s already gotten a spinoff in the GG books. You get to prolong the teen dramedy with a rising star and it’s in your demographic. It’s like “Private Practice,” but with jailbait and a shitload more plaid. You’re welcome.
2: If you MUST do period piece: why don’t we exploit the rise of the two great houses in New York? What were the Waldorfs and Basses doing in NYC in the 80’s? You mean to tell me you can’t get some real meat out of a Bass power struggle between Bart and Jack as they become rival tycoons? You get your fashion from a rising Eleanor Waldorf, and if you REALLY want to suspend disbelief, why not a forbidden love between Waldorf and Bass, leading Chuck and Blair to somehow fulfill the prophesy or be prisoners to fate? Do I have your attention yet?!?
3: Or, to REALLY blow your minds: post apocalyptic New York. Dan, Vanessa, Jenny, Nate, and assorted hipsters band together in fashionably derelict ways to carve out their city-state from the better-armed but fragile-from-infighting elite of Blair, Chuck, Nate, and Erik. Dan and Serena are star-crossed lovers who cannot reconcile their two sides. Please return your seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked position, suckas.
What am I really trying to say here?
In five minutes and one Sam Adams, I have three better ideas than a Lily and Rufus spin-off period piece. There is still time to keep this abomination from seeing the light of day. One package of Gossip Girl gear, a signed glossy of Leighton Meester, and $40,000 cash, and I can crank you out 1, 2, or 3 in a couple days. We can still use your working title if you want to be all down-low about it.
you know I blow your minds,
Filed under: Essays, Gossip Girl Review | Tagged: 80's, blair waldorf, chuck bass, Gossip girl, josh schwartz, lily van der woodsen, los angeles, new york city, rufus humphrey, serena van der woodsen, spin off |