Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”
FROM: Sarge Tanks
TO: Boss Nass
SUBJECT: Pre-action report, battle of Naboo
Weesa just arrived on thisa right flank of Gungan battle formation. Weesa standing by for orders and…wait. Wait wait wait. That’s not Jar Jar Binks on a Kaadu, is it? Stand by, I have to check this out.
WHAT? What do you mean, “Jar Jar Binks is a Bombad General?” Are you kidding me? Didn’t we banish this flop-eared bastard for “clumsiness?” Do you remember that? Why are we making him a leader of our grand army??
Do you know who I am? I’m part of Gunga Squad! I’m special forces, bitch! I’ve killed scores of underwater creatures and humans…I mean…I’m a veteran! Ten years of faithful service keeping our dominion safe, and you put that klutzy douche on a mount? Against battle droids? What’s wrong with you?
Are we really rewarding this douchebag for bringing the might of the Trade Federation down on us? I was totally cool with chilling out underwater, and then Binks brings down a pair of Jedi. What would we ever want to talk to Jedis about? You think they just popped in to sample our famous calamari? We were being conscripted, you frakking imbeciles! The Trade Federation is coming to destroy the humans, and minus that really hot queen who sometimes dresses in pale face, I’m really not going to miss the land dwellers.
It’s bad enough we’re fighting for them, but we’re also fighting on their terms. Let’s do the quick math on this. If they wanted to invade our city, they’d have to send down droids…through water. So naturally, we’re meeting them on dry land, in the middle of a grassy field. You know, I’m beginning to think Jar Jar is calling the shots around here.
So Jar Jar brings two Jedis in who more or less force us to engage in a pretty hopeless battle with several battalions of Droidekas and battle droids. For leading us to slaughter, you make him a general. Do you see why maybe me and boys are beginning to question your judgment? I want to fight for my homeland as much as the next Gungan, but this is ridiculous. I’m outta here.
Oh, great. You started up the shields. Can I get through these? I’m not sure; we’ve never used shields before. Oh! And anther thing? What the hell are these blue “boomer” balls? We’ve never seen these things before today! Do they explode? Are they radioactive? Is there a reason they’re all stacked on the front lines? What do they DO?
When the droids get here, we’re screwed. I mean really, honest to goodness, proper effed. Would it be cool if I just kill Binks right now? Just save us all some trouble, just bump him off right before he sends us into certain death? What training does this guy have? Was he even in the army? Can I get a look at his resume for TWO freaking seconds? Wait, hang on. Ok, the droids brought heavy armor.
This isn’t going to go well.
Filed under: comedy, Essays, Letters From Dagobah | Tagged: battle droids, Battle of Naboo, bombad general, boss nass, darth maul, droidekas, episode one, george lucas, Gungan, jar jar binks, jedi, Letters From Dagobah, racist gungan, star wars, the phantom meance, Who in blue fuck promoted Jar Jar Binks, woody tondorf |