Letters From Dagobah: Written comedy from the Star Wars universe.
“I think Lord Vader is gay.”
From: Lt. Preston Cole, Imperial Navy, Executor bridge crew
To: Lt. George Grant, Imperial Navy, Engineering
Subject: Check around before you open this.
First things first: You cheated yesterday in whack-a-Jawa. You know it. I know it.
I’ve been on the bridge of the Executor for a few months now, and you know I’ve had plenty of piss-your-pants moments with Lord Vader. For a seven-foot tall asthmatic that can’t walk properly, he sneaks up on me more than I’d care to admit. Vader’s terrifying: he enslaves planets, he slaughtered legions of Wookiees, and he chokes dudes by thinking about it.
The lady officers and the dark groupies around here love that stuff. The black suit, all those hours silently staring out into space, the mass murders, it’s gold. It works. I have seen girls actually throw themselves at his black meditation egg. Granted, they’re instantly evaporated by the chamber’s security system, but I think that’s an indication of how badly ladies want to get underneath that suit. He can get out of that thing, right?
But here’s the thing: for all the females in our military who are positively moist by his history of violence, none of them have bedded the Darth Vader, and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s not like it’s forbidden; remember when Emperor Palpatine broadcasted his sex tape…well, remember when we were forced to watch that? If an eleventy-billion year old guy with a face like melted silly putty can pull three barely legal Togrutas and a surprisingly flexible Mandalorian, what exactly is holding Vader back?
Darth Vader has to be gay.
Think about it. How long have we been tracking this Luke Skywalker guy? Vader gets even the slightest sniff of him and we jump to light speed, no questions asked. If it’s not Skywalker, it’s this Obi Wan Kenobi guy. Also, they say dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I look at Vader’s helmet and I think the Sith lord wants to be a penis. I say he holds his light saber with the off hand, if you follow.
So here’s what I’m proposing: you sleep with Vader. Don’t give me that look. You’re gayer than a Cloud City dance party. You were the only cadet to prance in zero gravity training. You called the Imperial uniforms “Hugo Boss.” Oh, and before I forget: we’re in space, no one calls us seamen anymore.
I’m just saying consider it. If it works, you’ve slept with the single most dangerous life form in the galaxy. If it doesn’t, Vader will most likely crush your larynx with the Force. Either way, I make a video.
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