Commander Shepard Is A Man Whore


Commander Shepard is a Man Whore.

Girl talk with Yeoman Kelly Chambers

It's not "Jersey Shore In Space," but it's knocking on the door.

From: Yeoman Kelly Chambers
To: Miranda Lawson, Jack, Tali’Zorah vas Normany
Subject: Girl talk. WAKE UP! Shepard’s playing the whole ship!

Hey girls,

"He also makes me schedule his booty calls."

Yeoman Kelly Chambers here. You may not know who I am, mostly because you never seem to leave your office, the drive core, or your creepily lit basement. You know we’ve got a bathroom, right? It’s on the third floor.

So we’re all on a quest to save the galaxy from an alien race that’s abducting whole human colony worlds. No doubt command has pounded into your skulls that this is likely a one-way trip. This probably ignites a lot of desires for closure and acceptance, but apparently the one desire you all have in common is boning Commander Shepard.

Girls, I get it! I’m his personal assistant. I run his private message terminal, and you would not believe how many ladies, regardless of age, species, or creed have his email.

I know you may feel strongly about him, but you gotta know that the Commander is not a one-creature man. He’s an interstellar Situation: he just doesn’t care what he’s creeping on!

Here’s where it gets real. Did anyone tell you about Virmire two years ago? When they set off the nuke and Shepard had to leave someone behind? There’s a really good chance our Commander left his buddy to die simply because he wanted a shot at boning teammate Ashley Williams. Just something to keep in mind if you think you’re the only one riding Shepard’s crook.

To be fair, it was remarkable how quickly everyone moved on.

I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be crude like that. I know this may be news to you. That said, if any of you ever left your bunks you’d realize this! He finds you, summons you, corners you wherever you are and you never think to come to him? Just think about it.

“Do you have a moment to talk?” “I want to know more about you.” “Tell me about yourself.” “Can’t I admire your body?” “Oh I’m very interested.” “I’ll come back later.” Commander Creep Show’s not even trying!

This is more for the other girls than you, Miranda. Deal with it, girls, you’re all way behind the deadly Miranda Lawson.

"Saying 'double bag it' is crass until it's legit advice."

Jack, ignoring the obvious starting point of your name; you’re an abused, inked, shorn, army boot wearing, card carrying psychopath with a well-publicized history of murdering, um, everyone. You’re like Britney Spears meets Carrie. Oh, and throw something over that bondage outfit. Whore.

"But seriously, how DO you eat?"

As for Tali, sweetheart, we can’t even see your face and you appear to have hooves. Two strikes. Plus, listen to yourself. Better yet, just say, “This will be very bad for moose and squirrel” in front of Shepard and see if he doesn’t laugh.

Finally, not to be dark, you make of point of telling us your species’ immune systems are so weak you can’t live out of your suit or you’ll immediately become sick and die. Honey, you just announced you have Space AIDS.

That’s going up against the genetically and physically modified Miranda Lawson, actually designed to be perfect. The biotic dye job that wears a redundant belt, skintight white spandex (Thank God Labor Day doesn’t exist in outer space, hmm?) and screw-me boots. You think Joker doesn’t stand up around you because he’s crippled? C’mon.

"And I get the 'ASSistant' jokes."

Actually, now that I think about it, how come YOU aren’t madder about this, Miranda? Shepard is making late-shift “drop ins” on Train Wreck and Bubble Girl when he could be spending time in your private chambers? Fascinating.

Us girls have to look out for each other; that’s why I’m sending this. He can’t play you like this; you deserve better. Holler at your girl if you want to talk. I’ll be right by Shepard at the galaxy map, unless I’m not there. In that case, I’m cleaning Shepard’s fish tank. It’s very intensive. Don’t come up.

Interstellar XOXO!

Kelly C.

PS: Dibs.

How do you like THESE apples, suckers?

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2 Responses

  1. Hello, I found your web page in a new listing of blogs. I dont know how your web log came up, could have been a typoo, anyway,Your Work looks sophisticated. Have a nice day.

  2. haha, I love how the ending totally makes it clear she’s just trying to scare the other chicks away, instead of actually caring for their emotional welfare.

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