Oh no, I’m about to catch up to that guy down the street.


Maybe if he walked normal this would all be avoided.

Maybe if he walked normal this would all be avoided.

Man, I don’t know why people don’t walk in Los Angeles. If you don’t think about the smog, it’s a really delightful experience. This weather is sweet! I was totally right to break in these new Converses today; I don’t care what my friends back East say, I don’t look like a douche. Especially with this coutre sweatshirt and cocoa puffs t-shirt.

Huh. That guy two blocks ahead of me is walking pretty slow. He really should be walking faster, I mean, he’s going downhill. Am I gaining on him? What the normal walking speed of a person going downhill?

Shit. I am gaining on him. Maybe he’ll turn off somewhere before I catch up. How is he going so slow? I’m gonna feel weird about passing him. We’re the only two people on this street, I can’t see anyone for blocks. Why is there no one else walking around right now? This is so awkward and I’m a whole block away from him! Go FASTER, douchebag! Get a goddamn MOVE ON!

Ok Woody, just embrace it. You’re going to catch this guy. You’re going to catch up to him and you’re going to pass him and he’s going to think you’re a douche. Well maybe if I make the pass wide enough he won’t even notice. Maybe he’s blind. Yeah. Maybe he’s…no. No cane. No dog. He’s totally going to see me. Oh God, I’m like 30 feet from him. WHY ARE MY FEET SO LOUD? I sound like Iron Man! God, I hate these Converses!

He’s going to hear me and think I’m robbing him at 7am on Wilshire Boulevard and he’s going to turn around and look at me and I’ll probably just keel over. Should I say something? 

What the hell should I say? “On your left?” Am I fucking skiing? Does he even know English? Am I going to startle him? What if I give him a heart attack and some security camera gets the wrong angle and the cops think I killed him?

That’s it. I’m crossing the street.

Damn it! Why the hell are there two buses right next to each other?? God, why have you forsaken me?!

You gotta be freaking kidding me.

You gotta be freaking kidding me.

Here we go. Ten feet. Time to pass. Maybe if I can—dammit, I can’t get off the curb. I’m going to have to pass on the right. Oh, come ON, that hedge is practically sticking out into the street! Don’t tell me I have to go through that overgrown bush to pass this dude! Trim your goddamn hedge, Akbar Indian Cuisine! Just walk in a straight line…why can’t I walk straight anymore? Why am I weaving? Adjust right, Woody! Adjust—Ohhhhh Goooodddd—

This bush hurts more than I thought.

WHATEVER! I’m through it. Sorry, geriatric foreigner, but I am free and cl—

Did he just speed up? He’s speeding up. I can’t fucking believe this. We’re synchronized like Rockettes right now. There is nothing in the world that could be more uncomfortable. If I were mouth raped by Wolverine at this very moment, I think I’d be more comfortable. Oh God, this sucks. F it, I’m gonna pick up speed. See if you can handle sixth gear, Mr. Myagi.

That’s what I thought. Yeah, I’m basically power walking right now, but at least I don’t have to hear your labored breathing. Actually, wait. That’s my labored breathing. Where is this guy, anyway? Did he turn off, or—

He’s drafting me. The motherfucker is drafting me. I’ve never even heard of this right now. Screw. This. I don’t care how bad this looks or if I’m already sweating through Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, I’m toasting this dude. And here. We. GO.

Man, I haven’t been running in a long time. This is nice, kinda. P;KLAGHGUJH OK, I just tripped. This is awful. I’m gonna throw up. Side streets! SIDE STREETS!

That was the worst experience of my life. Ok, let’s just catch our breath here and finish this walk. These Converses have no arch support. 

Hey, who’s that up there? Is that a homeless guy two blocks ahead of me? Is he walking—oh yeah, he’s walking towards me. Look away! Look away! Oh crap, he totally saw me looking at him. He’s locked on. I hate walking.

boned. I am so boned.

boned. I am so boned.


6 Responses

  1. That was amazing… =P lol

  2. Lol! Yeah that happens to me a lot in the hall at school, then it seems like I’m a weirdo in a rush.

    People just don’t know how to walk, or have a set place to walk to. ha

  3. Fantastic. 🙂 This should be on the Los Angeles city website under “The Basic Reason Why Everyone Drives Everywhere and We Have So Much Traffic.”

    We never learned basic sidewalk etiquette. Aw, now I’m homesick for LA.

  4. Los Angeles is a strange place…

  5. i hate pedestrians. unless i’m the pedestrian.

    • Same here.

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