Letters From Dagobah: “How did we lose to EWOKS?!?”

“Letters From Dagobah” is a collection of Star Wars-themed humor essays I’ve put together. Enjoy!
Memo to BlasTech, makers of Stormtrooper battle armor and AT-ST Walker

To: BlasTech, Imperial High Command
From: Keith Thompson, Sergeant, 501st Imperial Stormtrooper Division
Sent from: Forest moon Endor
Subject: Armor and mechanized infantry effectiveness.

Embarrassing. I'm just gonna say it.

Embarrassing. I'm just gonna say it.

To the hard-working engineers and workers at BlasTech, who provide us Stormtroopers with such fine products as the “regulation white” Stormtrooper armor and the AT-ST Walker:

I hate you.

Please find attached the equipment and personnel casualty report for recent anti-Rebel engagement on Endor. You will find that over half my men were KIA…from stones. STONES!

We were deployed to protect that deflector shield, and all we had to do was hold off a tribe of Gummi Bears, and a bunch of my men got offed from freaking bolos? In the name of the Force, we’re equipped to handle lasers, but not rocks?
To quote your latest brochure: “The Multi-Frequency Targeting and Acquisition System (MFTAS) helps with the stormtroopers’ perception in darkness as well as smoke and other visibility obscuring conditions.”

How about heat-seeking? We’re fighting two-foot teddy bears, they’d show up on heat radar like lava lamps. But no, you’d rather apply another coat of white paint to our forest armor!
This is gonna be on the news, isn't it?

This is gonna be on the news, isn't it?

Look, I can understand blaster bolts getting though the armor, it’s a part of the job. But my guys took rocks to the head and they were OUT! White-hot laser beams to the shin? Inexplicably dead, but acceptable. Blunt force trauma from pebbles? Get out of here! Finally, let’s talk about the AT-STs. I asked for tanks. You gave me metal chickens. That’s called compromise. But compromise is not making the armor so freaking thin two logs completely smash in the cabin!

And let me tell you, finding out the foot pods were so flimsy they couldn’t crush a rolling tree was a great surprise. Thanks for including that in the specs. They can support a giant mechanized war machine, but can’t hold itself against a few glorified branches? Did you see the way it fell? That doesn’t seem physically possible!

Also, speeder bikes on a forest planet? How fast can we go in dense foliage? Have you tried steering those things? It’s like trying to do open heart surgery on a roller coaster.

And High Command, don’t think you’re getting off easy. How long have you been building that obscene death egg above Endor? You’re the freaking Empire, you can’t enslave a planet to get that thing back up and running in two shakes? Don’t. Just…don’t.

Teamsters really stuck it to you this time, eh Command?

Teamsters really stuck it to you this time, eh Command?

One more thing. How long have we been deployed on Endor? You couldn’t find the time to introduce your officers to the Walker pilots so we don’t, you know, confuse one of the rebel leaders for one of our own?

What happened to the team building exercises on Dantooine? Those were the most amazing trust falls ever; I never forgot any of those guys!

I’m just saying, had you gone through procedure and gotten the boys together for a happy hour mixer like I asked for (see attached memo copy), Private Higgins wouldn’t have thought Han Solo was an Imperial Walker Pilot and opened the blast doors.

You know how embarrassing it is to call someone “rebel scum,” just to have that same jerk thrust a blaster in your face an hour later? That’s a tough one to live down.

I’m hoping this gets to you. The Death Star just got really bright and small and I’m pretty sure the Rebels know what I’m writing. They’re laughing pretty hard. I hope the Ewoks barbeque me.

Keith Thomspon, Imperial Stormtrooper


4 Responses

  1. that is awesome!!!!! are there more coming?

  2. There’s a whole bunch more. Stories include:
    Wedge Antilles hates Hoth
    Obi Wan wants a double bladed lightsaber
    Yoda blames everyone but himself

  3. are they up yet or are they coming soon?

  4. […] How did we lose to Ewoks? […]

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