To: BlasTech, Imperial High Command
From: Keith Thompson, Sergeant, 501st Imperial Stormtrooper Division
Sent from: Forest moon Endor
Subject: Armor and mechanized infantry effectiveness.
To the hard-working engineers and workers at BlasTech, who provide us Stormtroopers with such fine products as the “regulation white” Stormtrooper armor and the AT-ST Walker:
I hate you.
Please find attached the equipment and personnel casualty report for recent anti-Rebel engagement on Endor. You will find that over half my men were KIA…from stones. STONES!
And let me tell you, finding out the foot pods were so flimsy they couldn’t crush a rolling tree was a great surprise. Thanks for including that in the specs. They can support a giant mechanized war machine, but can’t hold itself against a few glorified branches? Did you see the way it fell? That doesn’t seem physically possible!
Also, speeder bikes on a forest planet? How fast can we go in dense foliage? Have you tried steering those things? It’s like trying to do open heart surgery on a roller coaster.
And High Command, don’t think you’re getting off easy. How long have you been building that obscene death egg above Endor? You’re the freaking Empire, you can’t enslave a planet to get that thing back up and running in two shakes? Don’t. Just…don’t.
What happened to the team building exercises on Dantooine? Those were the most amazing trust falls ever; I never forgot any of those guys!
I’m just saying, had you gone through procedure and gotten the boys together for a happy hour mixer like I asked for (see attached memo copy), Private Higgins wouldn’t have thought Han Solo was an Imperial Walker Pilot and opened the blast doors.
You know how embarrassing it is to call someone “rebel scum,” just to have that same jerk thrust a blaster in your face an hour later? That’s a tough one to live down.
I’m hoping this gets to you. The Death Star just got really bright and small and I’m pretty sure the Rebels know what I’m writing. They’re laughing pretty hard. I hope the Ewoks barbeque me.
Keith Thomspon, Imperial Stormtrooper
Filed under: comedy, Essays, Letters From Dagobah | Tagged: 501st, AT-ST Walker, Death Star, ewoks, Han Solo, How did we lose to ewoks, Letters From Dagobah, return of the jedi, star wars, stormtrooper, stormtroopers vs. ewoks, woody tondorf |