Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

An appeal to reason

First indication that tights are not for you.

I recently got off a red eye flight to my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts and, bleary eyed and bewildered like Kiefer Sutherland, sucker punched my way to baggage claim. I’m on about forty minutes of sleep. I smell like a bad decision. A guy walked by me and threw some change at my feet, saying, “Good luck out there, buddy.” Yet for all my obvious failings, I was not the most retch-inducing individual waiting for his matching Spider-Man luggage. No, friends, lovers, and thieves, it was the Fat Children of Fat Family wearing skinny jeans. Dear Logan airport, I apologize for the vomit.

Someone explain this to me, PLEASE. I know we humans have an amazing gift for self-deception (see all my “Things I Can’t Take Back” posts) but how on God’s green Earth does a hefty guy or girl put on those Fall-Out Boy leggings and think, “I’m really bringing it today?”

Look, I’m happy that you lost fifty pounds and just got the lap band, but you’ve still got rolls of cottage cheese flesh that have made the great escape past your clothes. All I see is peachy dough muffin-topping your waistband, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS? You look like an upside down bowling pin! How are you even standing up?!?

Do you know who looks good in skinny jeans? Wait for it. Say it with me…SKINNY PEOPLE! The price of admission is RIGHT THERE ON THE NAME! I can only imagine the actual reason you’re wearing those thigh-huggers is you tried them on somewhere and now you cannot remove them no matter how hard you try. Insert joke about Jersey here, and read my brilliant solution after the jump.

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