REVIEW: Jersey Shore Season 2 Premiere


Jersey Shore Season 2 premiere review

Just accept it. It's happening.

The greatest show on television is back.

Drink for every time I write, “Obliviated.”

I had so many doubts about a second Jersey Shore season. I was concerned that they’d bring back the cast and they’d be too wrapped up in themselves to capture the magic of the first season. I was concerned that they’d add new people to inject something into the core cast…and MTV –for now- wisely stayed their hand. I was generally afraid that the incredible experience of the secretly smartest show on television would be lost because MTV realized they had something awesome once and wanted to beat it like Nancy Kerrigan. Oh shush, that sentence started as a Rhianna joke.

Before we can talk about Miami –and we WILL talk about Miami- let’s talk about going into season 2 and what the characters did once they realized another season was absolutely going to happen.

Preseason Training

The Situation hired three writers, put them in his reasonably-priced apartment, and said, “I’m going to talk a lot. Give me catch phrases and sound bites for the confessional.” He then put them on 3×5 index cards and packed them in his bag. That, friends, is where we got “grenades” and “land mines.” How do I know that? I wrote them. That’s why they’re awful. The Situation had notes.

Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to go to Situation’s two-bedroom apartment and find a giant white board with flow charts and strategies to be the center of attention and bang Sammi. I’m on board with this.

Snooki fell deep into her character like Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder.” She still hasn’t come out of it, and that’s why she spent a night in jail a few days ago. Snooki didn’t do a lot of prep. She did get a boyfriend, which reminds me that somewhere there’s a dude who has on his resume/headshot, “Gorilla Juicehead, Jersey Shore season 2.”

OH YEAH, and she got herself an Escalade, or it’s a car MTV gave her for the trip, which seems much more likely. We can’t expect Nicole to make smart financial decisions.

Pauly D somehow got more tattoos and hooked up with Angelina. If you think those feelings aren’t going to be coming out at some point, you’re a Communist.

Ronnie hung out with his boys and plotted ways to win the break up, which is going perfectly. I have to be honest, I like Ronnie. Dude’s a meathead but he’s got a lot of heart. He’d either punch me in the face or we’d be good friends. I don’t know if there’s anything in between.

Vinny probably just hung out with his family, because he’s the Only Normal Person On Reality TV. I love this so much. I thought it would get him booted off the show. After two episodes of season one he was relegated to the exposition, only showing up in the confessional to tell you that they went to Karma again. He wasn’t interesting because he wasn’t a caricature, but I always looked out for him because he’s exactly what you and I would be like if we were stuck in that ridiculous scenario.

Watch the premiere again when you have a minute and watch Vin. He constantly has this look on his face like, “I can’t believe I’m here again. What is going on? Why are these people acting like this?” I’m getting ahead of myself.

Sammi boiled a rabbit in Ronnie’s kitchen.

Angelina built up an organization of small-time criminals and robbed a bank, betraying each of them until she got away with the cash alone in a school bus. She then crashed a meeting of Jersey Shore producers, killed an intern with a pencil, and hid a bunch of grenades in her suit jacket, telling them to contact her when they felt like taking things a little more seriously. Her final words as she escaped through a side exit? “It’s simple. We, uh, kill the Sammi.”

JWoww took boxing lessons with Freddie Roach. I made that up, but it’s likely. Did you hear her at the end of the episode? “I’m putting Vaseline on my face, putting my hair up…” ShamWoww in season one wanted to bone some dudes, JWoww 2.0 just wants to fight a bitch. If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles, she’d be Raphael. And now that I’m thinking about it…

If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles…

Jwow: Raphael

PaulyD: Michelangelo

Vinny: Donatello

Situation: Leonardo (Because Leonardo was lame and he thought he was in charge.)

Ronnie: Rocksteady

Jersey Shore Ronnie Rocksteady

Angelina: Casey Jones

Snooki: Krang

Sammi: Those robots the foot clan had that looked like metallic rats.

And to finish that off, just imagine JWoww yelling, “I lost a sai!” and try not to laugh. More after the jump.

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Gamer Love Letter

Baby, you know I love you. You also know how much I love video games. Sure, we play the odd console game now and then, but I know sometimes you think I put plug and play over…well, you get the idea. So to let you know how I truly feel about you, I’ve written you a love letter. It’s written in the blood of all the Covenant/Helghast/minions of Olympus that stood in my way to you.

1. I will always pause the game when you want to talk…about something besides about how incredible I am at dispatching Nazi zombies with impunity.

2. You can use my gamertag…just please use your own on Halo 3, Modern Warfare 2, NCAA ’11, or any other game my buddy Keith is particularly good at. Long story short, he caught me in a lie before I met you.

3. I promise I will never let you win in Mario Kart Wii.

4. When playing Co-op, you get first choice of the power-ups…but let me have the rocket launcher. It just takes a more delicate touch and there’s, like, no ammo for it on this map.

more after the jump!

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Webinar Hero: the ballad of Jeff Bistro

“I didn’t get here overnight. I had to learn some things about myself.

For instance, I tend to underestimate hobos and my hands don’t shake in prison.”

One of my favorite characters I created for Hubspot. Starring the super-terrific Nate Hinchey. Even if you have no idea what a webinar is (I didn’t have a clue until second draft) enjoy some comedy with your Tuesday. Leave some comment love!

Red Dead Redemption: Oh great, John Marston wants to play poker.

Some Red Dead Redemption humor for you lovers, jokers, and thieves,

John Marston Ruins Our Poker Games.

I'm up 40 bucks in 1911! I could buy Wyoming!

Hey, barefoot Mexican peasant girl! Another whiskey over here! Gracias and such. Nothing goes better with 90 degree dry heat than a warm whiskey.

I am on a roll today! I’ve won at least $40 from the guy in the sombrero and this Landon Ricketts character. Seriously, Ricks, you need to drop the Sam Elliott tribute ‘stache and lighten up. You’re melting in this Mexican sun, sir.

I call. There’s no way you can make that straight with–

Oh no.

Oh son of a bitch.

How does he ALWAYS arrive during magic hour?

Is that John Marston? AGAIN? Christ, he smells like cougar and trail dust. Take a bath, friend. I know you just rented a place in Chuparosa, but were the apartments with wash basins THAT much more expensive?

No, sit next to me. I don’t mind.

Terrific, he’s wearing that “Elegant suit,” like we don’t know he wears it to hide a spare card. This is the fourth time he’s sat down at this table looking like a poor man’s Doc Holiday. Every time he wears the cheating suit some new guy catches him stealing a card and calls him out on it in front of everyone, which is of course an affront to his honor and the only natural way to settle a verbal altercation is to shoot each other in the middle of the town.

Hey Marston, that holster makes your ass look huge.

Hey John, how ’bout we just stop the game right now, you can plug the guy in the sombrero six times in the chest, we agree you’re a badass, and I can stay up forty bucks? How does that sound, partner?

Do you know how many times we’ve shot someone on account of poker before you got here? Zip. Zero. You’ve bumped our card-related homicide rate up by 400%. More importantly, you have an uncanny knack for cheating when I’m up BIG.

I NEED THIS, JOHN! Some of us can’t go jumping on trains or shooting Federales or galloping after cougars! I’m an accountant in the Wild West! This is how I relax! Stop killing the only people in this town who know how to play cards!

No, we don't want to know how you got those scars.

Great, you’re cheating again. Maybe you’d get away with it if you didn’t act like you had Parkinson’s every time you tried to slip a card into your vest.

Sombrero guy just caught you. I can see it. Maybe I can mentally signal him that he can take half my chips if he doesn’t–Nope, he just mistook my subtle gesture as support to shoot Mr. 4 for 4. Maybe Sombrero guy will notice the scars on your face or the multitude of firearms you carry and not challenge you to–

Nope. Wrong again. These Mexicans really get heated about cards. Wow John, it’s really surprising how quickly you got up and walked right to the spot you always shoot people from. Another perfectly nice poker game ruined.

I got 40 on Marston.

Straw! Just kidding. Ok...Saw! Testing your ears...DRAWbridge!

Minutemen: The Crucible -Chapter 16-

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15


Minutemen Boston Sci FiChapter Sixteen: “Preparing to Fail”

Office of Captain Jack O’Shea
UNSC Post 53, “Fort Bunker Hill” 
City of Boston
September 29, 2552
Three weeks before the invasion of Earth

“Do they still hang traitors?”

Captain Jack O’Shea looked past the holographic displays streaming above his desk and across his spacious office at Master Gunnery Sergeant Gus Reynolds. Jack raised an eyebrow as he waved a hand over the surface of his workspace and powered down the desk.

“I haven’t educated myself on the subject, but I guess it’s pretty timeless, Gus.” The Captain answered, wary of his old friend’s conversational tone.

Reynolds put his freshly polished boots up on the table in front of the wide leather couch and sighed wistfully. “I think that’s how I’d want to go out. Firing squad is just kinda…sudden.”

“You’re in a particularly sunny mood today.”

Reynolds returned to sitting attentively, leaning forward, palms up in conjecture. “I’m just saying. If the kid rats on us—”

O’Shea rolled his eyes. “He’s not going to rat. As I recall, Master Gunnery Sergeant, you hand picked this kid.”

Reynolds shrugged noncommittally. “You can’t know how someone’s going to react to something like this. It’s not like we’re telling him his pet died.”

Jack made a show of powering up the desk again, stopping Reynolds’ train of thought dead in its tracks. “Look,” Captain O’Shea instructed, pulling a Marine dossier literally out of thin air, “This isn’t just some kid we’re talking about here.”

Reynolds stood up to refill his empty coffee mug from the thermos on O’Shea’s desk. “I know.”

“Are you sure?” The Captain asked pointedly. “Do you need another look at the service record?”

Gus put his hands up in surrender. Jack only stretched his hand out to increase the file’s size and resolution and then flicked his hand to spin the hologram so Reynolds had no choice but to see it.

“He’s not a kid. He’s a Marine. And when the corps asked him to put it on the line he did it no questions asked. He swore the same oath we did, Gus. He’ll play ball.”

Reynolds tugged on the hem of his crisp gray duty jacket before sitting down in silent thought. After a moment and a sip of piping hot tasteless coffee, the Master Gunnery Sergeant spoke without a hint of reservation.

“All right,” Gus nodded. “Let’s talk to the kid.”

Jack nodded back, satisfied, and tapped a translucent blue circle hovering an inch over the desk that turned red at his touch. “This is O’Shea,” he instructed casually, “Send in Lance Corporal McHale, please.”

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Foursquare Cops season finale: “Going Rogue.”

“I would rather be dead than EVER use Gowalla!”

Check out the season finale of Foursquare Cops, featuring Richard DeAgazio as The Chief! When you’re done watching and you’ve seen the shocking conclusion, tweet @foursquare and tell them to sponsor a second season! Do it now!

Foursquare Cops: “I’d rather be called ‘Bubbles.'”

“Never have I ever…been fired from a mall security position.”

This is the uncut and extended version with all the jokes built in. Have a viewing and get to know everyone’s favorite social media arbiters better!