Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: Shut up, Hippies. You need the Hummer.


Devil’s Advocate Wednesday will be Morning, Wood’s forced contrary position to the status quo. It will be controversial and probably a little crass, so take it with a grain of salt…and a shot of tequila.

Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: You need the Hummer.

Right, I can totally see why you hate Hummers. Idiots.

Some of you think GM shutting down Hummer production is a good thing, Some of you are fools and zombie-loving Communists.

Today I read that GM is officially shutting down the super-large, super-compensating Hummer line of trucks, which caused Turtle from “Entourage” to actually suffer a nervous breakdown.

On Twitter, people are saying “good riddance.”

In the news, they say, “So long.”

Hummer is going away, and most everyone seems to think this is a pretty great idea.

HEY, YOU PEACE-LOVING, HIPPIE-HUGGING, BIRKENSTOCK PATCHOULI GRUBBERS, why don’t we just STOP MAKING BULLETS while we’re at it?

Also, explain why you hate happy child adventurers.

Do you know what’s about to happen? We’re about to lose our one tool of physical and mental salvation!

Follow the destruction of America and the planet Earth after the jump.

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Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: Arm The Fans


Devil’s Advocate Wednesday will be Morning, Wood’s forced contrary position to the status quo. It will be controversial and probably a little crass, so take it with a grain of salt…and a shot of tequila.

Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: Arm the Fans

It's a start...

Fans should throw whatever they want onto the field. In fact, it should be organized.

I just got finished watching Sportscenter and listening to the righteous indignation of the anchors as Mississippi State fans threw a soda onto the court. They might as well have executed someone. Every time fans do this, the people on TV call the local fans “Barbarians,” “Classless,” and “Yankees fans.”

Well guess what? There’s no such thing as home field advantage anymore. Nowadays professional and college sports teams take chartered planes, stay overnight in hotels, and get ready for their game in locker rooms that look like the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Think about it: if you play the New York Football Giants, you’re getting ready in the Jets’ locker room.

It's college football, not "Entourage."

Then we have owners, players, and coaches patronizing us, saying that fans are the 6th, 12th, whatever number teammate on the field. Our noise, our very presence is the difference. Yeah, about that…modern stadiums have been trading crowd noise and acoustics for expanded seating for the better part of two decades, and crowd noise is a regular part of practices before big games. Coaches routinely blare deafening cheers from speakers before games in big stadiums, preparing players for the only contribution fans can make: noise.

"I'm not touching you?" THAT'S all we got?

We’re asked to respect the game and the players by staying in our seats, watching out for errant foul balls, and just yelling as loud as we can to rattle players. Oh, wait, before you shout that curiously nasty insult at Arizona’s point guard, remember to be respectful. Decorum in your taunts, if you please. God forbid you lose your cool and pick up your cup of $14 coke and hurl it, enraged, in the direction of the court/field/marathoner. That brings shame not only on you, but your school/city/pee-wee football team.

I say we U-turn. Let’s crank the madness up to 11.

Ask yourselves this: what would happen if the entire lower section of a college basketball arena simultaneously threw small rocks ping pong balls at the opposing team? Consider how ESPN often just makes stories out of nothing and how flabbergasted they get when anyone throws anything onto the field and you might actually see Scott Van Pelt’s head explode. Tony Cornheiser and Michael Wilbon would probably stab each other live on air.

Phase two after the jump.

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