Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: Shut up, Hippies. You need the Hummer.


Devil’s Advocate Wednesday will be Morning, Wood’s forced contrary position to the status quo. It will be controversial and probably a little crass, so take it with a grain of salt…and a shot of tequila.

Devil’s Advocate Wednesday: You need the Hummer.

Right, I can totally see why you hate Hummers. Idiots.

Some of you think GM shutting down Hummer production is a good thing, Some of you are fools and zombie-loving Communists.

Today I read that GM is officially shutting down the super-large, super-compensating Hummer line of trucks, which caused Turtle from “Entourage” to actually suffer a nervous breakdown.

On Twitter, people are saying “good riddance.”

In the news, they say, “So long.”

Hummer is going away, and most everyone seems to think this is a pretty great idea.

HEY, YOU PEACE-LOVING, HIPPIE-HUGGING, BIRKENSTOCK PATCHOULI GRUBBERS, why don’t we just STOP MAKING BULLETS while we’re at it?

Also, explain why you hate happy child adventurers.

Do you know what’s about to happen? We’re about to lose our one tool of physical and mental salvation!

Follow the destruction of America and the planet Earth after the jump.

Think about it! What kind of car do you hate with all your heart? Hummer. If we take away the Hummer and they eventually fade from memory like Creed or OJ Simpson, what will be left to hate? The PT Cruiser? I’m sorry, but my heart’s just not in it.

The fact is, Americans always need someone or something to hate. The New York Yankees. The New England Patriots. Gay marriage. Your “bold” tie choice this morning…I’m sorry, it’s just not tracking well.

If you take away the Hummer, you neuter healthy American rage! Whole internet sites will cease to exist!

It’s not just a mental problem, it’s national security. Hummer was up for sale to a Chinese company, which undoubtably wanted the super secret Hummer technology to bulk up their invasion force and crush our fleets of hybrid cars.

But no, those Chinese think long term, so they let the deal dry up and therefore eliminated any future Hummers that might aid our homemade resistance when the Chinese invade. Yeah, that’s right, a Chinese invasion. I played Modern Warfare 2, invading America seems like a cake walk.

Yup, your fault. Again.

Basically, what happened today with Hummer was like Terminator with cars, and Skynet just won.

That’s ignoring the even bigger problem: Decepticons. What form is Ratchet, Autobot combat medic, supposed to take now? You think he can fit all his ‘bot-fixin’ doodads in a Ford Excursion? Transform and go F yourself.

Great, you inconvenienced the giant robot alien. We're going to enjoy this life of servitude.

Even if you don’t care about the continuing war for Cybertron, here’s something you may care about: the extermination of the human race at the hands of the undead. That’s right, I’m talking about the sorry state of holy shit we’re going to be in when the zombie apocalypse comes to our shores and –spoiler alertnone of us know how to drive tanks. If only we had heavy-duty, raised bumper, high clearance trucks that we knew how to operate effectively OH WAIT we discontinued all of them. Ouch, that’s my spleen.

"Shut up and get in the Prius!" Doesn't have the same sense of urgency, does it?

Seriously, which would you rather have: global warming or your spleen? Oh don’t be dramatic about it.

So there you have it, America. You doomed us. You doomed us to lackluster malevolence against some other car that doesn’t deserve it, you doomed us to occupation under General Gau and/or Megatron, and you left the door wide open for the zombie apocalypse. You also made Turtle cry, and I can’t honestly say which of those upsets me more.

Maybe I’ll start hating Turtle. Baby steps.

Meh, dude's had a tough day already.

Do you fancy yourself big enough to challenge my unassailable logic? Bring it in the comments, hippies!

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2 Responses

  1. Totally agree. Hummer has now gone the way of smokers, child spankers and individual water bottles (so much plastic in land fills, oh no, got to go back to the tap!!) ….people, what will we bitch about now?? And let’s face it, we just took the fun out of it, because we cared less about the hummer’s environmental impact than about what idiot would be so self indulgent to need one….haha

  2. yes i want hummer

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