Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.

An appeal to reason

First indication that tights are not for you.

I recently got off a red eye flight to my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts and, bleary eyed and bewildered like Kiefer Sutherland, sucker punched my way to baggage claim. I’m on about forty minutes of sleep. I smell like a bad decision. A guy walked by me and threw some change at my feet, saying, “Good luck out there, buddy.” Yet for all my obvious failings, I was not the most retch-inducing individual waiting for his matching Spider-Man luggage. No, friends, lovers, and thieves, it was the Fat Children of Fat Family wearing skinny jeans. Dear Logan airport, I apologize for the vomit.

Someone explain this to me, PLEASE. I know we humans have an amazing gift for self-deception (see all my “Things I Can’t Take Back” posts) but how on God’s green Earth does a hefty guy or girl put on those Fall-Out Boy leggings and think, “I’m really bringing it today?”

Look, I’m happy that you lost fifty pounds and just got the lap band, but you’ve still got rolls of cottage cheese flesh that have made the great escape past your clothes. All I see is peachy dough muffin-topping your waistband, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS? You look like an upside down bowling pin! How are you even standing up?!?

Do you know who looks good in skinny jeans? Wait for it. Say it with me…SKINNY PEOPLE! The price of admission is RIGHT THERE ON THE NAME! I can only imagine the actual reason you’re wearing those thigh-huggers is you tried them on somewhere and now you cannot remove them no matter how hard you try. Insert joke about Jersey here, and read my brilliant solution after the jump.

People say ribbon belts are very slimming.

So here’s what I’m thinking. Citizens can apply for “oblivious fatty permits.” We screen applicants to make sure they’re not criminally insane. They have to pass a true/false test to make sure they can determine if someone is indeed too effing fat for skinny jeans. It’s also pass/fail. And we’ll probably be lax on screening.

We then issue these people tasers and the number for a delivery service. When they see a suitable target, they don’t say hello, they don’t warn them, they just shock the shit out of them until they pass out (Oh shut up, the fat is insulation.) They throw them in the van and we put them in an arena where every Saturday we come and watch them run for their lives against the Predator of the Week…but don’t pig out at the concession stand! You never know who’s watching!

Pros: physical fitness for the idiots who can’t choose the right style of pants, elation from endorphins, a brand new lease on life for those that survive, and a healthy appreciation for the fact that the restrictive nature of skinny jeans impairs your ability to survive in the wild. To consider: you’ve never seen Bear Grylls in skinny jeans. Actually, Bear Grylls will be the first Predator of the Week. He will also have a bear.


Cons: Maybe lack of television contracts…but come on! They made those giant people on “Biggest Loser” walk up an endless escalator, and the only reason any of us watched that was to see someone fall and become a human bowling ball like the kid from “Hook.” In fact, I just thought up a new pro!

Pro PS: People who wear skinny jeans will eventually become so paranoid while wearing them that they’ll just…stop wearing them! Alert the media! We’ve been liberated!

There are people who can pull off skinny jeans. I’ve seen them and ogled them from afar, as a gentleman should do. For that 1% of the population that rocks the skinnies, you know you look good in everything. Therefore, I know I speak for America when I say from the bottom of my heart: Stop. Please. Don’t dangle this false hope in front of the slobbering masses that think they stand a chance at indie rock fame just because they’re wearing unisex denim tights. We’re a fat country, but when it comes to this, what has been seen cannot be unseen. Now where’d I put my low rise bootcut ass crack enhancers?


8 Responses

  1. You are my hero.

  2. HAHA! This just made my Sunday.

    Love the idea of Bear Grylls being the Predator of the Week. He’s a beast! lol

  3. This made me laugh.

    And yeah fat people should not wear skinny jeans. I mean we don’t want them to show their cellulitis through pants that they can’t wear.

    And yeah skinny people rock those jeans but those with a bit of leg can too >.> (I’m one of them and I do look good in skinny jeans) JUST STATING! :3

    OOOOOOOH Predator of the Week. I’m sure you’ll get lots of ratings. Although I’m kinda thinking of Hannibal Lecter for some bizarre reason.

  4. *laughs like crazy*

    I love your stuff; and I love this in particular. BRILLIANT. I’ve always hated those dumb asses that think that they can wear skinny jeans…


    That said… I’ve got the legs for ’em, man… 😉

  5. Well said!

  6. Honestly i think your a complete jerk , i understand people shouldnt wear tight things that dont fit , but where do you get the right too stand up and tell people whats wrong with them but only in your eyes ,your not god , && your only talking bad about people too make your skinny depressed low self esteem being feel better , && if people feel like they are confident , then let them , let them be happy !!!!!

    • You spelled, “You’re” wrong. Three times. Had it been once, I would have considered it an error and confessed my crippling low self esteem and acquiesced to all your points. Had it been twice, I would have probably nodded solemnly with you and said, “You’re right, I’m a jerk, clearly I am not God, and I’m inclined to reconsider my points.” But no. You got it wrong three. Times. So instead, I’ll type this whole diatribe out. Actually, I think you win this exchange. Well played, grammar rookie.
      But those double ampersands make your reply look HUGE.

  7. What truly disgusting things to say. I don’t know anything about your weight or appearance, so I won’t judge either, however, I will say that this piece is a horrible and inaccurate representation of the public consensus on overweight people.
    I am 22 years old, 5’4″ and 90 pounds. I am athletic, and I assume that I weigh considerably less than you do. This does not make you inferior to me, contrary to what you may think about weight and its role in determining a person’s worth. What makes you inferior is your remarkable ignorance, and insensitivity towards people struggling with obesity.
    Your remarks border on obsessive. Your trite writing makes you out to be an intolerant — and frankly, strange — and bitter man, criticizing the bodies of people standing in line at the airport who mostly likely could not care less about the (excuse my language) fucking prick behind them, staring at their asses.
    People can wear whatever they want to wear, whether or not it pleases you, and I dare you to approach the next person you feel does not belong in skinny jeans, and tell them any of these things you have written.
    You are a spiteful, cruel, and insensitive little man, and I hope that someday judgmental and disgusting people such as yourself, who joke about putting one group of people into an arena survival situation just based on their appearances, are made accountable for your hateful actions and comments.
    Please keep your discriminative and abusive opinions to yourself, you repulsive asshole.

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