Fat People. Skinny Jeans. Death Penalty.
An appeal to reason
I recently got off a red eye flight to my beloved Commonwealth of Massachusetts and, bleary eyed and bewildered like Kiefer Sutherland, sucker punched my way to baggage claim. I’m on about forty minutes of sleep. I smell like a bad decision. A guy walked by me and threw some change at my feet, saying, “Good luck out there, buddy.” Yet for all my obvious failings, I was not the most retch-inducing individual waiting for his matching Spider-Man luggage. No, friends, lovers, and thieves, it was the Fat Children of Fat Family wearing skinny jeans. Dear Logan airport, I apologize for the vomit.
Someone explain this to me, PLEASE. I know we humans have an amazing gift for self-deception (see all my “Things I Can’t Take Back” posts) but how on God’s green Earth does a hefty guy or girl put on those Fall-Out Boy leggings and think, “I’m really bringing it today?”
Look, I’m happy that you lost fifty pounds and just got the lap band, but you’ve still got rolls of cottage cheese flesh that have made the great escape past your clothes. All I see is peachy dough muffin-topping your waistband, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS? You look like an upside down bowling pin! How are you even standing up?!?
Do you know who looks good in skinny jeans? Wait for it. Say it with me…SKINNY PEOPLE! The price of admission is RIGHT THERE ON THE NAME! I can only imagine the actual reason you’re wearing those thigh-huggers is you tried them on somewhere and now you cannot remove them no matter how hard you try. Insert joke about Jersey here, and read my brilliant solution after the jump.
So here’s what I’m thinking. Citizens can apply for “oblivious fatty permits.” We screen applicants to make sure they’re not criminally insane. They have to pass a true/false test to make sure they can determine if someone is indeed too effing fat for skinny jeans. It’s also pass/fail. And we’ll probably be lax on screening.
We then issue these people tasers and the number for a delivery service. When they see a suitable target, they don’t say hello, they don’t warn them, they just shock the shit out of them until they pass out (Oh shut up, the fat is insulation.) They throw them in the van and we put them in an arena where every Saturday we come and watch them run for their lives against the Predator of the Week…but don’t pig out at the concession stand! You never know who’s watching!
Pros: physical fitness for the idiots who can’t choose the right style of pants, elation from endorphins, a brand new lease on life for those that survive, and a healthy appreciation for the fact that the restrictive nature of skinny jeans impairs your ability to survive in the wild. To consider: you’ve never seen Bear Grylls in skinny jeans. Actually, Bear Grylls will be the first Predator of the Week. He will also have a bear.
Cons: Maybe lack of television contracts…but come on! They made those giant people on “Biggest Loser” walk up an endless escalator, and the only reason any of us watched that was to see someone fall and become a human bowling ball like the kid from “Hook.” In fact, I just thought up a new pro!
Pro PS: People who wear skinny jeans will eventually become so paranoid while wearing them that they’ll just…stop wearing them! Alert the media! We’ve been liberated!
There are people who can pull off skinny jeans. I’ve seen them and ogled them from afar, as a gentleman should do. For that 1% of the population that rocks the skinnies, you know you look good in everything. Therefore, I know I speak for America when I say from the bottom of my heart: Stop. Please. Don’t dangle this false hope in front of the slobbering masses that think they stand a chance at indie rock fame just because they’re wearing unisex denim tights. We’re a fat country, but when it comes to this, what has been seen cannot be unseen. Now where’d I put my low rise bootcut ass crack enhancers?