Han Solo to Lando: “Not a scratch, you said!”

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

In happier times.

Hey Lando,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to see you in person. Things got a little bit nuts right after the battle and the Ewoks insisted on throwing a little BBQ. One drink turned into about seven or thirteen, and then her royal highness-of-no-existing-planet starts giving me the business, blah blah blah…let’s just say I’m not so scruffy-lookin’ no more.

(I’m saying I hit it.)

Pay up, Antilles!

Anyway, congrats on blowing up the Death Star (I guess second time’s the charm LOL!) Stopped by the Home One to check out the Falcon and collect from Wedge (sheltered X-wing jock said I couldn’t seal the deal with Organa. Loser). I looked for you, but someone told me you took off as soon as you heard I was coming up. Then they told me exactly what you did in my ship to get inside the Death Star.

Ballsy move getting into that duct; the Falcon ain’t big, but wow, you snuck her in there. Probably got tight in that space, huh? Just how tight would you say it got, LC? Remember a little promise you made when I told you to take the Falcon?

“I’ll take good care of her. Not a scratch.” Not. A. SCRATCH.

Where the hell’s my sensor dish, you Colt guzzling degenerate?!

The last picture ever taken from Death Star Traffic Camera #11731

Do you know what I did in that glorious bucket of bolts? I flew it into a friggin’ cave worm’s GUT. I shot down Lord freaking Vader. Countless runs and missions, the Kessel Run, perfecto. How, you ask?

Because I’m shoot-first-balls-out-princess-boning Han Solo, and you’re the career gambler that no one likes. Someone had to tell you.

Being the one black guy in the whole Alliance does not mean you can pull off that cape.

You promised not a scratch, and you returned with a ship that can’t see anything. Do you know what my GEICO starship premium is going to be? That’s right, I don’t have any insurance, because I’m a nerfherdin’ SMUGGLER!

No! Don’t try to blame it on Nien Nunb! Just because he bears a passing resemblance to the stereotypically worst pilots in the galaxy does not mean he plowed my ship into the ceiling! Look at you! Profiling! You’re better than that.

I'd never let him land the ship, but he's a good listener.

Why don’t you just freeze me in carbonite again? Yeah, we still haven’t talked about that one. “They got here first,” HA! I’m almost completely sure I @lando’d you on twitter, telling you I was crashing at your place.

So I’m going to take something from you. Say goodbye to that gaudy pimp cape, Landizzle. I’m screwing the royalty now.

You're going the wrong way, idiot.