This is the start of a week long submission of short essays dedicated to exposing some fascinating flaws in the Transformers movie universe and how the characters probably would react. Guest submissions are welcome and encouraged. Send to morningwoodT2@gmail.com. -M,W!
To: Secretary of Defense
From: Captain Lennox, Commanding Officer, NEST Team
Subject: You are literally killing us out here.
We’ve been stalking, hunting, and killing Decepticons for two years, after which we engaged in the biggest, loudest, explosioniest battle between Autobot and Decepticons ever…and we used bullets. Again, we used small metal pellets against alien killing machines dozens of feet in height and weighing more than two tons, despite conclusive evidence that our bullets have NEVER brought down a Decepticon.
AT NO POINT HAVE ANY OF YOU CONSIDERED THIS A BAD STRATEGY!!!!
I mean, I have. Epps and I have sent God knows how many memos telling you that only those high explosive shells from that first battle worked, and we got one single response back on this. Ready? Here it is:
“Grenade launchers don’t look cool.”
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF REPLY IS THAT? I don’t care if our weapons look like ice cream cones with pink bras hanging off them! If they destroy hostile walking robots that can turn into a F-22 Raptor at will, I’m on board!
Please follow the NEST team standard operating procedure for Non-Biological Encounters and ask yourself if anything stands out as particularly boneheaded.
-Investigate Decepticon sighting.
-Flush them out with probably the most racist Autobots we’ve ever met (Please find Epps formal complain attached),
-Begin firing with regular bullets.
-Realize bullets are, once again, ineffective.
-Curse the Department of Defense for the twentieth time.
-Lose 30-60 soldiers.
-Shoot missiles from jets.
-Let Optimus fight the Decepticon
Here’s a new idea. Just try this one on for size.
-Sacrifice the Bigot Twins to expose Decepticon.
-Shoot with missiles from jets (again, someone please ask an Autobot to scan our fighter planes. Motorcycles are not helping.)
-Drop Optimus on the bad guy’s head.
Do you see how this is just a waste of meat? Give us some large, unsexy guns and let us actually contribute! Losing dozens of men each attack does not exactly impress the Autobots.
At least get the tanks in there BEFORE the giant Voltron wannabe destroys the Pyramids. You KNOW we’re gonna get stuck with that bill.
Captain Lennox, CO, NEST Team
PS: please keep this off the official report, but get Epps to stop calling artillery “rain.” I think it’s only emboldening the Racistobots