Fighting Decepticons with bullets is stupid.

This is the start of a week long submission of short essays dedicated to exposing some fascinating flaws in the Transformers movie universe and how the characters probably would react. Guest submissions are welcome and encouraged. Send to -M,W!

To: Secretary of Defense

From: Captain Lennox, Commanding Officer, NEST Team

Subject: You are literally killing us out here.

Bullets: 0 Decepticons: 2,547,298

Bullets: 0 Decepticons: 2,547,298

We’ve been stalking, hunting, and killing Decepticons for two years, after which we engaged in the biggest, loudest, explosioniest battle between Autobot and Decepticons ever…and we used bullets. Again, we used small metal pellets against alien killing machines dozens of feet in height and weighing more than two tons, despite conclusive evidence that our bullets have NEVER brought down a Decepticon.


I mean, I have. Epps and I have sent God knows how many memos telling you that only those high explosive shells from that first battle worked, and we got one single response back on this. Ready? Here it is:

“Grenade launchers don’t look cool.”

This is not the happy face.

This is not the happy face.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF REPLY IS THAT? I don’t care if our weapons look like ice cream cones with pink bras hanging off them! If they destroy hostile walking robots that can turn into a F-22 Raptor at will, I’m on board!

We're taking geriatric jets. God, we're desperate.

We're taking geriatric jets. God, we're desperate.

Please follow the NEST team standard operating procedure for Non-Biological Encounters and ask yourself if anything stands out as particularly boneheaded.

-Investigate Decepticon sighting.
-Flush them out with probably the most racist Autobots we’ve ever met (Please find Epps formal complain attached),
-Begin firing with regular bullets.
-Realize bullets are, once again, ineffective.
-Curse the Department of Defense for the twentieth time.
-Lose 30-60 soldiers.
-Shoot missiles from jets.
-Let Optimus fight the Decepticon

None of us can do this.

None of us can do this.

Here’s a new idea. Just try this one on for size.

-Sacrifice the Bigot Twins to expose Decepticon.
-Shoot with missiles from jets (again, someone please ask an Autobot to scan our fighter planes. Motorcycles are not helping.)
-Drop Optimus on the bad guy’s head.

This dick-measuring contest just ended.

This dick-measuring contest just ended.

Do you see how this is just a waste of meat? Give us some large, unsexy guns and let us actually contribute! Losing dozens of men each attack does not exactly impress the Autobots.

At least get the tanks in there BEFORE the giant Voltron wannabe destroys the Pyramids. You KNOW we’re gonna get stuck with that bill.

Signing off,

Captain Lennox, CO, NEST Team

PS: please keep this off the official report, but  get Epps to stop calling artillery “rain.” I think it’s only emboldening the Racistobots


9 Responses

  1. clearly the real show of force here is that of the ammunitions lobby in congress.

    • HAHAHAHA. Well played.

  2. Im confused as to why we even have useless men out there.

    clearly the robots have the whole thing covered,and men just get in the way with their procedures and bullets.

    also, robots don’t need to blink and this has bothered me since the first movie.

    • About the robot blinking thing. by the looks of it, their eyes are like cameras. and anyone who’s owned a camera knows that if there’s dust or some kind of smudge or whatever on the lens, it messes with the picture (with a wide range of severity from ignorable nuisance to great big pain) and the blinking helps to get rid of anything that might be there. but that’s just my explanation.

  3. Jessica,

    I appreciate that by clarifying those ones are useless men you must believe that some men are useful. Some of us are. I have personally microwaved 3 transformers, there is no longer any fear of those decepticons attacking you, or appearing on ebay as a collectors item. Your understanding is much appreciated.


  4. Woody,

    So I sent you a Transformers article I wrote. Let me know what you think.

    Warmest Regards,


  5. i know, the bullets are useless. they are killing men out there. i guess its just to make the movie look cooler. also, the tanks dont even hurt the decepticons, the tanks just push them back, thats just a waste of pure machinery!!!

    • after watching ROTF again, it looks like that’s mainly just Megatron getting pushed back by tank fire. the rest of the drones seem to go down pretty easily if you hit em. megatron’s just got more powerful armor i guess. and who knows? those guns might have some ammunition beyond just the regular bullets (i dunno, alien superbullets or something?).

  6. Ok let’s look at this critically and assume only Optimus is big enough to pull off being a jet to begin with. Ok so the autobots can’t be a jetfighter and tear up Decepticons from that kind of a distance. How about we stop using sports cars! It looks dumb for our camo clad warriors to show up in cars reserved for british secret agents. How about a nice jeep with a chain gun on the back?? Then our men have heavier firepower, mobility, and if it isn’t enough they can transform and beat down on the decepticons.
    Situation two, why was an international team deactivated by an angry note from the US bean counter? Sorry this guy has Zero authority to give military men orders and if they obey they can be court-martialed. This guy can’t even deliver such an order.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: