Optimus Prime, why won’t you leave Earth?


Hey Optimus,

Cons: world ending. Pros: Totally copping a hand hold. Win.

Cons: world ending. Pros: Totally copping a hand hold. Win.

Sam Witwicky here. It’s been a year or two since that whole thing with the All Spark and beating the Decepticons, and I want you to know that no one appreciates that more than me. True, your lieutenants told me to go to the highest exposed point in the city when you had absolutely zero air supporticons, and yes, that climactic battle led to dozens of innocent fatalities, but we WON, dude! It was way awesome and I totally got laid afterwards. Well, you knew that. You were there. (been meaning to talk to you about that, actually)

Here’s the thing: I’m really proud of you guys just disappearing after that brouhaha and living in secret, and I get that you’re waiting for your brothers scattered across the stars to come find you…but, and PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way (because you’d squish me) why are you guys still here?

In no way does this help the economy.

In no way does this help the economy.

I mean, the government sure has hell doesn’t want you here as you seem to only attract meaner, less ethical, far more lethal alien robots. It’s not like you’ve left yourselves anything else to do; you only came here for the All Spark and now it’s destroyed, right?

Couldn’t you, you know, LEAVE?

No. No no no no no no no no.

See, you can't do this on a highway. That was a bus full of people back there.

See, you can't do this on a highway. That was a bus full of people back there.

You guys traveled through SPACE! There must be some planet that doesn’t have people and cities and millions of other things that are blow-upable. I’m beginning to think you guys just explode things for no reason. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome, but one of these days I’m going to get my arm or hand really hurt in one of those blasts and I’m going to be PISSED. So just say “no,” to that. No no no no no no no.

I missed the part where you thought I signed up for this.

I missed the part where you thought I signed up for this.

So just think it over, will you? Earth’s nice, but I think humans are pretty much over you and your tendency to start a fracas whenever you’re not on wheels. Everyone just saw “Terminator Salvation,” and they’re starting to draw some parallels…not good ones.

Finally, please ask Bumblebee to stop watching Mikaela and me having sex. I know he thinks playing “Can you feel the love tonight” is helping…but it’s not. Not not not not not not not.

Surprisingly scary to wake up to.

Surprisingly scary to wake up to.

Thanks again for your help in that interstellar war. Good times,
Sam W.

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7 Responses

  1. Woody-
    this was one of the best you’ve ever written! true genius! I was laughing the whole time. Except the part about Mikaela and Sam having sex. She is MINE. Get that straight. 🙂

  2. this was amazing, but i have to state that megan fox is mine. she loves me. end of story.

  3. […] Optimus Prime, why won’t you leave Earth? Hey Optimus, Sam Witwicky here. It’s been a year or two since that whole thing with the All Spark and beating the […] […]

  4. I might’ve just fallen in love with you!

    Thanks for the laughs…

  5. lol.End of Line.

  6. And, in a truly free society, those who know the truth about the real insolvency of the Murray N. ,

  7. just to clarify though, the cons were only coming to earth in preparation for the events that happened in ROTF (most of the cons anyway. and this is only what i think happened). so if the autobots HAD left, our sun would be kaput. gone. boom. bye bye. then again, since this is from sam’s point of view and he doesn’t know this this actually makes a lot of sense.
    and now i’m laughing. funny stuff. 😀

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