Sam Witwicky here. It’s been a year or two since that whole thing with the All Spark and beating the Decepticons, and I want you to know that no one appreciates that more than me. True, your lieutenants told me to go to the highest exposed point in the city when you had absolutely zero air supporticons, and yes, that climactic battle led to dozens of innocent fatalities, but we WON, dude! It was way awesome and I totally got laid afterwards. Well, you knew that. You were there. (been meaning to talk to you about that, actually)
Here’s the thing: I’m really proud of you guys just disappearing after that brouhaha and living in secret, and I get that you’re waiting for your brothers scattered across the stars to come find you…but, and PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way (because you’d squish me) why are you guys still here?
I mean, the government sure has hell doesn’t want you here as you seem to only attract meaner, less ethical, far more lethal alien robots. It’s not like you’ve left yourselves anything else to do; you only came here for the All Spark and now it’s destroyed, right?
Couldn’t you, you know, LEAVE?
No. No no no no no no no no.
You guys traveled through SPACE! There must be some planet that doesn’t have people and cities and millions of other things that are blow-upable. I’m beginning to think you guys just explode things for no reason. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome, but one of these days I’m going to get my arm or hand really hurt in one of those blasts and I’m going to be PISSED. So just say “no,” to that. No no no no no no no.
So just think it over, will you? Earth’s nice, but I think humans are pretty much over you and your tendency to start a fracas whenever you’re not on wheels. Everyone just saw “Terminator Salvation,” and they’re starting to draw some parallels…not good ones.
Finally, please ask Bumblebee to stop watching Mikaela and me having sex. I know he thinks playing “Can you feel the love tonight” is helping…but it’s not. Not not not not not not not.
Thanks again for your help in that interstellar war. Good times,
Filed under: comedy | Tagged: all spark, autobots, bumblebee, decepticons, megan fox, mikaela banes, no no no, optimus prime, revenge of the fallen, sam witwicky, shia labeouf, transformers, transformers 2, woody tondorf |