Who would you follow in the war against the machines?
I don’t know much, but I do know this: eventually, machines will become our overlords, and not cool overlords like the apes who at least had the decency to feed us. No, I’m talking Judgment Day, 12 Colonies Holocaust, Matrix-level ish right here. When that day comes we’re going to need a leader. We’re going to need someone with the guts, the cajones, the presence of mind to throw down whilst shouting at the top of their lungs, “Suck my motherboard, you damn dirty toasters!”
But who would that leader be? I reached back into popular media to find our best techno messiahs and came up with four potential leaders of men. Let’s compare them and emerge with the savior of the future.
Gary Kasparov, chess grandmaster
John Connor, leader of the Resistance
Neo, the One
Admiral William Adama, Commander of the Battlestar Galactica
My thoughts after the jump
If you’re so smart, why don’t you move your own goddamn bishop?:
Kasparov is a chess GENIUS. Kasparov became the youngest ever undisputed World Chess Champion in 1985, and was the #1 chess player in the world from ’86 to 2005. A published writer and active in Russian politics, Kasparov has been in active opposition to Putin AND has remained alive, which is more than many spies can say.
Most importantly, he’s taken on the electric overlords best minions and outsmarted ‘em. He mopped the floor with Deep Thought and hadouken’d Deep Blue in 1996. Flesh and blood FTW!
Deep Blue Pwnage:
Despite b-slapping the deep blue somethings time and time again, he’s lost several games. That’s ok, a battle’s not the war, right? Well, in 1997 he lost a whole match, which is kind of like losing the western hemisphere. It gets worse! After that, he’s only managed to earn draws against the thinking machines. That’s right, Kasper taught the machines to evolve, and they were ready for him. That’s not going to win back North America, Garry. Thanks for your application.
I jumped out of a helicopter to dock with a submarine. What have YOU done?
Machines are so afraid of John Connor, they sent assassins to 1984 when he wasn’t even born yet to kill him! HE STILL WON!
The mythical hero of the Resistance in the Terminator movies, John spends his entire life bobbing, weaving, juking, and shooting giant advanced killing machines that know everything about his life. Again, he spends his whole young adult life doing this…and then he survives a nuclear holocaust and keeps beating the bag out of Skynet.
This dude has BALLS. He domesticates a mototerminator, jumps into pools with hydrobots, and conducts FDRish fireside chats over open frequencies when Skynet is doing everything it can to find him. Oh, and he invades San Francisco as an army of one (for those keeping score at home, this means Apple is Skynet)
Daddy issues doesn’t really start to cover it…:
Tactical genius. Leader of men. Messiah qualities. Damn good with a flare. John Connor is, as a man, the ideal leader for the human race in post-apocalyptic Earth…there’s just one problem.
Technically, he doesn’t exist.
John Connor exists in a time loop that the Terminator franchise is so afraid of, they never really spend any time trying to clarify or challenge, unlike time travel shows like Lost, Back to the Future, and Dinosaurs (not the Mama!). Basically, we have no idea who the original father of John Connor is, and the whole existence thing is far too difficult to explain, so why bother?
Also, in the original script for Terminator Salvation, he gets killed…and then kills every leader of the Resistance. Fail.
The Alpha AND the Omega:
Neo IS the Messiah. When he’s jacked into the Matrix he flies, stops bullets, and can fight off hundreds of Hugo Weavings, which is one of the more frightening things I could ever imagine. If that’s not cool enough, in the REAL WORLD he can shoot lighting from his hands, shut down machines by THINKING about it, and see without eyes. Blind as Helen Keller, he fought and decapitated a dude. Whoa.
EVERYONE looks up to Neo. Even Laurence Fishburne, the embodiment of zen cool, is like, “yeah, Neo’s a pretty smooth cat.” Carrie Moss is all up in his grill. Hippies that live underground leave him all sorts of snacks when he gets back from missions and ask him to come to their cave raves. Yep, Neo’s pretty chill AND kicks absurd amounts of ass.
Could you, just once, take off the sunglasses?:
No one understands a word Neo says. When Neo fights hundreds of Smiths, zaps a whole bunch of squiddies into a mass of twisted metal, goes into a coma, and escapes the Matrix’s equivalent of purgatory, he just says, “I need time,” trudges into his room, and listens to Depeche Mode in the dark. I mean, what the hell, dude?
Also, he asks a lot of questions and always seems confused. This continues until a guy looking like Colonel Sanders tells Neo that he’s just another method of control by the machines. Basically, Neo’s a tool. Neo doesn’t like this at all, and when he tries to tell the guy to take a flying leap, he saves Trinty only to lose her again a movie later.
Finally, despite Neo having completely supernatural powers of destroying legions of machines, he can’t beat all those Smiths and he’s killed. I know, I know, his death is the culmination of his Messiah destiny and he ends the war blah blah blah…but he’s not going to be much use to the inevitable breakdown of the treaty when he’s dead, now, is he? Whoa.
Admiral William Adama
Go to hell, you frakking toaster!
First, let’s all acknowledge the elephant in the room: you haven’t seen Battlestar Galactica. Fine. I mean, it’s not fine, but it’s fine. Basically, Bill Adama leads this one outdated warship and about sixteen other ships away from a machine-led nuclear holocaust that wipes out the entire human race over twelve worlds. Oh, and the machines can look just like humans…and they’ve infiltrated the ships already, acting as sleeper agents and sabotaging pretty much everything important.
Also, they’ve got hundreds of warships, fighter ships, and troops…and they’re actively searching for the last remaining humans to kill them. Because they don’t have anything else to do. I mean, come on, they’re machines.
So Adama’s short handed, has no supplies, no reinforcements, and about 40,000 civvies who all want things like purified water, blankets, fuel, and human rights (can’t have everything, kiddies!). He’s searching for a mythical planet that may or may not exist called Earth. This goes on for four seasons. In short, William Adama kicks a LOT of mechanical ass with pretty much nothing. It helps that he has two incredible fighter pilots, but when it comes down to it, Bill Adama kills a frak-ton of Cylons WHILE leading a huge mass of civilians who do nothing but complain.
I’m sorry…your name again?
But not enough people have heard of William Adama or Battlestar Galactica. You, friends, are missing out on the one man completely qualified to lead the humans against the machines. Trust me, when the bombs start dropping and Charlie Steiner shows up and tells you to follow him to freedom, he’s not your guy. Neither is John Connor, Garry, or Neo. Hop aboard the Galactica, son. Adama’s got this.
But maybe I’m way off! Tell me who you’d march to war with, even if they’re not on this list!
REBUTTAL FROM MY OWN KIN:
My brother TJ sent this to me yesterday, and I have to say, the boy’s done his homework. Here’s a late entry and very compelling evidence.
I have a very simple answer for you that will conquer your logic: Dino-Riders
We’ll start with the fact that the Valorians are telepathic. They have a leg up on any form of thinking being for that purpose. There’s no risk of spies when you have a society filled with telepathics (even if the spy is telepathic because it would be a big give away if the person wasn’t speaking and just repeating the ‘$5 footlong’ jingle in their head). Then using these powers they can make dinosaurs do what they want and fight for them.
The Space-Time Energy Projector would totally explain anything that happened in the Terminator franchise AND show how the humans could follow the machines to their attack on John Connor and whoop ’em before they knew about their plan to kill John Connor before he was alive… convaluted yes but it does serve the purpose of whooping the machines and outsmarting them.
Filed under: comedy | Tagged: battlestar galactica, come with me if you want to live, deep blue, garry kasparaov, john connor, neo, post-apocalyptic, reloaded, revolutions, terminator, terminator salvation, the matrix, william adama |