Yesterday I heard that John Madden retired. I immediately yelled, “Boom!” and sent Roommate Tony an excited email with the link ( http://deadspin.com/5214634/john-madden-retiring ), confirming this. In just a few months, we rid ourselves of John Madden AND Brett Favre. I look at this as the NFL’s master cleanse.
I sent a text to my dad, “Here’s a guy when he retires he stops working!” I was almost skipping around the apartment. I imagined Chris Collinsworth perched in the NBC booth with Al Michaels, high fiving people on his way to Inside The NFL, waving his new deal under Phil Simms’ nose and demanding to know what Phil thinks of those apples.
It was a good day.
Then I realized a terrible, awful truth. John Madden can’t retire. My reason after the jump.
Who’s going to explain football to girls?
As much as John Madden became a parody of himself, he explained the basic things that you and I might take for granted, but people who don’t watch football have no clue about. Keeping that in mind, and the fact that I have no tolerance for explaining pass interference to some sorority sister when Bellichek’s Battalion is on the move, I have realized that we men need John Madden.
But a world without moronic commentators is too good to pass up! (my open contract on the lives of Tim McCarver, Joe Morgan, and everyone at TBS still stands, btw) I’m torn! I haven’t been this confused since I found out Hootie was black!
So here’s what I propose: stick John Madden on the sidelines for the Super Bowl and Thanksgiving. Give him a pimped out golf cart, maybe even a scale model of Jabba’s sail barge (I’m on a boat!) and make that man explain the intricacies of offsides vs. neutral zone infractions. I think this could work.
And finally, let’s all have a moment of silence for Frank TV.