Gossip Girl Review: When GG told us they’ve done NOTHING this season


How long has this season BEEN? We started around September, had a couple hiatuses, a few strings of episodes, due for another hiatus…and then socialite Poppy opens her big mouth. “So…everything’s EXACTLY the way it was?”

 

In the interest of fairness, we DID get to ogle Leighton Meester for a whole season. Net win, friends.

In the interest of fairness, we DID get to ogle Leighton Meester for a whole season. Net win, friends.

Yep, Gossip Girl just took us by the hand, patted us condescendingly on the cheek, and told us we were wandering in the desert for months…and we’ve been walking in circles.

 

Uh-oh.

 

I’m sorry, I know Gossip Girl is very self-referential, but should a show REALLY tell us that we’ve covered NO GROUND in a whole season? Did Gossip Girl just give us the finger and laugh at us for being led around by the nose to pretty much nowhere?

 

I feel dirty. So much more after the jump.

 

So right now:

Dan’s poor again.

Jenny is at the bottom of the social barrel again.

Eric’s still gay and no one talks about it except Jenny. (ERIC’S ALIVE!)

Serena is being enticed to return to her bad girl roots.

Blair is self-absorbed and lying to herself.

Chuck is scheming to win Blair, talking about he has sex, and inexplicably attends school at his leisure. (Doesn’t he run Quantum? What’s he doing at SCHOOL?)

Vanessa is getting smacked around by rich kid power plays.

 

Nothing really ground-breaking to expound upon this week, but let’s address some of the characters, enjoy some themes, and enjoy an episode that didn’t ask anything from us, but will definitely be better than next week’s episode.

 

JENNY HUMPHREY: GOSSIP GIRL’S UTILITY PLAYER

Join the party? Kill everyone? Do a line of coke? YOU NEVER KNOW!

Join the party? Kill everyone? Do a line of coke? YOU NEVER KNOW!

Jenny Humphrey, at the age of 16, has lived more than any of us. She’s been Godfather, soldier, princess, pauper, icon, pariah, activist, and self-made orphan. Roommate Tony calls her the Alex Cora of Gossip Girl, and he’s exactly right. 

 

Jenny has, with no exaggeration, done it all…and that makes her dangerous. 

 

When Serena hijacked Jenny’s Sweet 16, be honest: you had no idea what the hell she was going to do. How could you? She could flee, or she could set the building aflame! Instead, she took the middle ground. Nice to know she’s found some moderation in her old age. Won’t last.

 

BLAIR WALDORF: TERMINATOR

Be afraid, Nelly Yuki. Be very, very afraid.

Be afraid, Nelly Yuki. Be very, very afraid.

As this episode went on, I fought the urge to reach through my TV, grab Blair by the shoulders, and shake her, yelling, “You lost YALE! Your future is strewn around you in heaps of smoldering ASH! Why are you so GODDAMN CALM?!?” 

 

Has Dororta snuck sedatives into Blair’s one breakfast grape?

 

I think I can make sense of this. Right now, think of Blair Waldorf as the Terminator in “T3.” She’s just suffered catastrophic damage and everything’s shut down. Right now she’s rebooting, and she’s not going to be at full speed for a bit. Of course it makes sense that she’d look for an anchor, and that anchor is Nate, the original part of her “destiny,” and first step toward getting back to where she thinks she belongs. So for the time being, I think Blair will be (sadly) playing nice. But if you dangled Yale in front of her face and Nelly Yuki went missing for a while, I’d send the cops over the Waldorfs first.

 

Maybe it’s me, but has anyone noticed Blair’s dialogue lately? “Ah yes, how the ducks do calm me?” She’s talking like someone from M. Night Shamalyn’s “The Village.”

 

I STILL WONDER HOW THE HUMPHREYS SURVIVE IN THE WILD.

I'm shocked they found their apartment without GPS.

I'm shocked they found their apartment without GPS.

How fast did your palm hit your forehead when Jenny said that she still has 24 hours until she’s 16, and it’s implied that she can’t mess it up? Surviving long enough to reach your birthday…trust us Jenny, Humphreys can mess up worse with far less time, case in point: Rufus and the financial aid. 

 

In the past two episodes, Rufus Humphrey has had TWO SEPARATE pieces of paper with damning information just fall into his hand. The results have been at best unpleasant. So OF COURSE Rufus would take this giant piece of paper that Dan thinks is great news and just leave it around in the middle of the apartment. HE’S YOUR SON, RUFUS! HE’S GOING TO INHERIT YOUR “ACCIO BLACKMAIL” SUPERPOWER!

 

But no, instead Rufus wants the realtor to call his LAND LINE, instead of his Verizon product that he, and every character in this show, cannot live without. At least Lily’s land line has texting.

 

(Did you see that at the end? That phone lends itself to SO MANY spoof commercials:

-Verizon landline: when you don’t want them to write back.

-Text your home: so everyone at your parents’ Tupperware party can know your stripper girlfriend is pregnant and you’re off for a Mexican vacation.

-Verizon Home Texting: so they’ll know it’s FIFTY thousand dollar bail. FIFTY.)

 

VANESSA: MAD AS HELL AND SOMEHOW OUT OF IDEAS.

"For real this time; where's your other hand?"

"For real this time; where's your other hand?"

We get it. Vanessa doesn’t do vengeance well, even though she set up a STD fund in Chuck’s name back in season one. We’ve been waiting for Vanessa to snap, to finally tell these upper-class jerks that she’s going to step up 2: the streets.

 

In doing so, she ends up being just another girl seduced by Chuck.

 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s AWESOME. It’s #6 in my “Seven things I’d like to see on Gossip Girl that they’d never do.” It’s absolutely necessary to jack up the drama between Chuck, Nate, and Blair. Now that we have it, though, doesn’t it somehow feel cheap? I mean, Blair’s not even at full strength so she can’t give Vanessa a full dressing-down about how she can’t keep her men. Where’s the fun in THAT?

 

Also, I liked how Blair, Nate, and Vanessa kept side-stepping the question of whether Nate and Vanessa had broken up. Vanessa told Jenny they hadn’t broken up, she just hadn’t heard from him in a week. I’m sorry, but not hearing from your high school boyfriend for a WEEK? Where I went to high school, if girlfriends hadn’t heard from their boys in seven days, they would have alerted the FBI, Amber Alert, and the Mystery Van (that sounds bad).

 

And Nate acted all indignant when Blair told Nate to just text the breakup! “No, I can’t do that…I was just hoping a whole week of no contact would suffice.” 

 

CHUCK BASS: TASTE HIM AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I can't help myself.

I can't help myself.

Because I can’t have a GG Review without a C-section. 

 

Chuck is never better than when he’s plotting revenge, though Roommate Ryan saw the sex tape (and about seventeen other things in this episode) about two commercial breaks ahead of time. Admit it, you were a BIT disappointed that the sex tape idea fell through.

 

It only makes sense that Chuck would remember Nate’s email password, and if you think Chuck hasn’t signed Nate up for some of the web’s most deliciously naughty portals, you’re out of your plaid, plaid mind.

 

The way Chuck was acting the elevator was terrific. The sinister purr is BACK, bitches! This guy’s such a degenerate, I freaking LOVE IT.

 

SERENA: THIS WALLPAPER IS LOVELY!

Someone please explain to Serena that Curious George is not real.

Someone please explain to Serena that Curious George is not real.

I really couldn’t tell who this episode was supposed to be about. They made all sorts of stabs at making this about Serena, but she just couldn’t carry it. There’s simply no stakes with Serena, which might have been the point? The thing is, wherever Serena’s going in Spain, and whatever mischief she’s going to get into, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll just sweep it under the rug like we do every three episodes, and the Circle of S will start again. 

 

This was a weak attempt at re-seating Queen S. There just wasn’t any…effort. We’ll see how they do with Serena’s international affair, but my guess is there won’t be any lasting consequences. They’ll have to snap to focusing on college with about two episodes left so there’s some kind of graduation drama, and maybe then we’ll get some emotion out of Serena. Right now, the house is nice but there’s no one home.

 

YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.

 

I guess we will see the Lily-Rufus love child before the season is out, after all. Maybe Josh Schwartz is NOWHERE near this show anymore…

 

EXTRAS: PROPHET GOSSIP GIRL PREDICTS THE DECLINE OF YOUTUBE

"No, I'm totally fine waiting in the snow for two hours. You just take your time, Blair."

"No, I'm totally fine waiting in the snow for two hours. You just take your time, Blair."

 I make fun of myspace a LOT. They deserve it. Gossip Girl has done its share of talking about the social networking site that matters to kids, and no, I’m not talking about twitter. The fact is, once Gossip Girl starts mentioning web destinations, it’s a higher indication that that’s where the masses are going and competitors should be worried. Yes, I’m generalizing, but at least they don’t make up websites like How I Met Your Mother (this GG update brought to you by barneysvideoresume.com).

 

So when I hear Hulu mentioned when the CW ISN’T on Hulu, I get worried for youtube. That’s all. Not with a bang, but a whimper (kinda like Serena in this episode). 

 

Dan Humphrey gets fan letters. FML.

 

“I fought for you. Hard. And for a long time.” –look Gossip Girl, if you didn’t want us to drop “That’s What She Saids,” don’t make it so flipping easy. 

 

Poppy’s, “Serena…no.” With the mouthed “no,” was the height of Poppy’s acting. That was funny, and you know she came up with that around 2am in her apartment and thought, “I’m TOTALLY going to do that! I’m NAILING this role!” She probably had a moment like Matt Damon in “Ocean’s 13”: “I don’t even think anymore, I just react!” 

 

The Tao of Socialites: so what we’re supposed to take away from shopping for dresses is if someone wants an expensive dress, then they’re secretly yearning to be at the top of the social food chain? I want a better car, that doesn’t mean I want to be Vin Diesel (yes I do.) 

 

If you didn’t get why that guy was holding an Ann Coulter book, then you’re not watching the webisodes. It’s ok, we’re not either (though I would gladly host someone writing webisode reviews). From someone who produces webisodes, I would like to have some further words with you, Gossip Girl (mostly about how your webisode model is stupid and how it can be fixed).

 

Dan has somehow successfully engaged three girls in conversation…about reading. I’m sorry, Mr. Humphrey, but I’m going to need to see ID from these girls. 

 

When Lily and Rufus came back to the apartment, I finally realized we were having the sitcom/teen dramedy episode about having a party that spins wildly out of control while the parents are gone, and you try damage control but it won’t work. Once again, Gossip Girl wrapped a classic archetype of teen TV in their gilded couture paper, put a bow on it, and almost got it by us. Well played, Gossip Girl. The college years are going to be rough.

 

NEXT EPISODE: HOLA, DRAMA!

 

This actor's name is Armie Hammer. I'm not making this up.

This actor's name is Armie Hammer. I'm not making this up.

Upon watching the previews for the next episode, Roommate Ryan exclaimed, “And Gossip Girl goes off the rails!”

The only saving grace for GG will be if they can get some real meat from Nate-Chuck. Serena has now fully spun off her axis again and drifted out of orbit from Planet Blair, so any great drama between the two of them will have to wait a couple episodes (who wants to bet one of them will feel abandoned by the other?) 

 

Nate will threaten Chuck, but unless Super Bangs has Sinister Purr by the scarf, there’s really not a credible threat. Vanessa may or may not hold on to Chuck, but I’m willing to bet her foray into Upper East Side social warfare will send her into the arms of one Dan Humphrey.

 

But don’t worry if any of these loose predictions scare you, loyal readers. If there’s one thing that Gossip Girl showed us last night, it’s that everything will reset in about eight episodes. All of this has happened before and will happen again.

 

‘Til next week!

 

You know you’re violating your parole with me,

XOXO

W

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6 Responses

  1. all i did was CTRL+F Alex Cora. because that was a baseball reference… right?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Cora

  2. *Oh shock, Serena’s slutty past rears it’s slutty head w/ a new character.
    *No surprise w/ the Chuck/Vanessa hookup, but frankly, I’m happy ANYtime Chuck sleeps w/ someone. He’s Chuck Bass.
    *Is it just me, or does Nate have NO chemistry with anyone? ever?
    *I don’t care about the love child and I never will. It might have been more interesting if the kid showed up w/out Lily&Rufus looking for him and telling their kids about him in the first place. Now he has no shock stake in my opinion.

  3. i enjoyed reading this review
    your opinions were hilarious
    keep it up!

  4. It’s odd, Jecka. As soon as Nate gets into relationships, it’s like he shuts down or something. Then again, there really isn’t an interesting boyfriend in the whole mix except for Chuck. Dan is still really going through his FIRST relationship, he just happens to have it over and over again with Serena. I’ll have to think about this more.

    Thanks for the comment, Addyluv!

  5. is that the ’96?

  6. I lost interest in GG awhile back, but your reviews are so good that I end up watching them begrudgingly while I do laundry so I can pretend I’m not paying attention.

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