Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”
FROM: Wedge Antilles
TO: Rebel Alliance Command
SUBJECT: There weren’t any WARM places for the secret base?
I understand the entire Empire is looking for us and we’re laying low after we pretty much destroyed their biggest toy, but who chose the ice planet Hoth for our secret permanent base? There is, with no exaggeration, nothing to do around here.
I appreciate that you’ve been trying to keep the mood light, but Ice Cream Social Saturday got old after a week. Ice chunks are always falling from the ceiling and down my collar, I pretty much just skate everywhere, and daylight lasts for about four and a half hours. I know the Rebels are strapped for cash these days, but you couldn’t have bought a secret base location on a temperate planet? Really?
Even sports you’d think we could do big time, like cross-country skiing or droid curling, are off limits because those rip-off abominable snowmen occasionally grab a scout snack. So naturally I ask you for permission to form up a good old-fashioned hunting party to kill the bastards (and put meat in the mess hall), and you naturally tell me to go fuck myself. Why? BECAUSE THE WAMPA IS A PROTECTED SPECIES!!
I know it took us forever to build this place, and it’s important to lay low now that Vader has an inexplicable boner for Luke, but can we just consider moving to a temperate planet?
In addition to all my points above, the fact that you didn’t build the base with union labor, prompting the Hoth System Teamster Union to put up a giant “Shame on Rebel Alliance Command” banner by the asteroid field, doesn’t bode well for long-term security and secrecy. Mull it over, I’m going to get yet another “free” slushee.
Oh, and if Dak makes one more “Cold leader, standing by” joke, I’m gonna blast his newb ass.
Rebel Alliance Pilot
Filed under: comedy, Letters From Dagobah | Tagged: darth vader, hoth, Letters From Dagobah, luke skywalker, Rebel Alliance, star wars comedy, Taun Taun, the empire strikes back, Wampa, wedge antilles |