“Hoth Sucks” by Wedge Antilles


 

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

Yep, hero of the rebellion. Freezing his ass off.

Yep, hero of the rebellion. Freezing his ass off.

 FROM: Wedge Antilles
TO: Rebel Alliance Command
SUBJECT: There weren’t any WARM places for the secret base?

Hey guys,

I understand the entire Empire is looking for us and we’re laying low after we pretty much destroyed their biggest toy, but who chose the ice planet Hoth for our secret permanent base? There is, with no exaggeration, nothing to do around here.

I appreciate that you’ve been trying to keep the mood light, but Ice Cream Social Saturday got old after a week. Ice chunks are always falling from the ceiling and down my collar, I pretty much just skate everywhere, and daylight lasts for about four and a half hours. I know the Rebels are strapped for cash these days, but you couldn’t have bought a secret base location on a temperate planet? Really?

Does this look even REMOTELY fun? Also, can't help but notice no black guys have been signing up for the Rebellion. Just sayin'.

Does this look even REMOTELY fun? Also, can't help but notice no black guys have been signing up for the Rebellion. Just sayin'.

Even sports you’d think we could do big time, like cross-country skiing or droid curling, are off limits because those rip-off abominable snowmen occasionally grab a scout snack. So naturally I ask you for permission to form up a good old-fashioned hunting party to kill the bastards (and put meat in the mess hall), and you naturally tell me to go fuck myself. Why? BECAUSE THE WAMPA IS A PROTECTED SPECIES!!

Go ahead, hippies. Hug THIS.

Go ahead, hippies. Hug THIS.

I know it took us forever to build this place, and it’s important to lay low now that Vader has an inexplicable boner for Luke, but can we just consider moving to a temperate planet?

In addition to all my points above, the fact that you didn’t build the base with union labor, prompting the Hoth System Teamster Union to put up a giant “Shame on Rebel Alliance Command” banner by the asteroid field, doesn’t bode well for long-term security and secrecy. Mull it over, I’m going to get yet another “free” slushee.

Oh, and if Dak makes one more “Cold leader, standing by” joke, I’m gonna blast his newb ass.

Sincerely,
Wedge Antilles
Rebel Alliance Pilot

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2 Responses

  1. THEEMPIRE @HothRebelBase : i fooooound yooooou!!!!

  2. […] “Hoth Sucks” by Wedge Antilles […]

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