To: Obi Wan Kenobi
Subject: Reflecting on the past I was.
Told you I did. Listened you did not. Much anger and fear I sensed in Anakin Skywalker. But no, stubborn you were. Listened to Master Qui-Gon you did. Now, hiding like worms in swamp planets and deserts from the Empire, we are.
You know what? Screw it, I’m going to ditch my Yoda-speak and spell it out for you on YOUR terms.
Listen. I told you not to train the kid. I asked Qui-Gon not to train the kid. Qui-Gon didn’t listen, and how did he end up? Do you remember? That’s right, he fucking DIED! To be fair, I should be mad at the Jedi Council. You killed Darth Maul and we could tell you really wanted a double-bladed lightsaber (it did, after all, kill your master and we never really told you cool lightsabers existed). Instead, the council gave you the kid that would eventually team up with Palpatine to kill all of them. It happens.
And when I told you one last time to leave ‘lil Vader alone, you told me to go fuck myself! “Wait,” you said to me, “give him time. He’ll find the way.” Yeah, he found a way to kill every kid in the Jedi Temple, and he got to bang Padme for who knows how long. I’m not sure which of those make me angrier.
You know I’m a little upset. It’s just that Dagobah sucks. The weather sucks, the food sucks, and the force ghost of Qui Gon is still insisting that Anakin will bring balance to the Force. Lightsabers don’t work on ghosts; it’s a pity.
Now I know you’re upset about it too. We all needed a moment after we found out Anakin wasn’t kidding with those “What do you call a hundred dead Jedis? A good start,” jokes. You were pissed that I ordered you to go kill your padawan (good job on that by the way. Ass) Now you’re stuck in the middle of Tatooine babysitting a kid who’d rather bullseye Womp rats in his T-16 than get down to some patricide. But just to close this out, I just want you to know that it’s all your fault. Seriously.
Oh, but Dagobah’s got some killer weed. If you can give the Empire the slip, we should totally have a session.
Filed under: comedy, Essays, Letters From Dagobah | Tagged: a new hope, anakin skywalker, clone wars, dagobah, empire strikes back, george lucas, Letters From Dagobah, obi-wan kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, revenge of the sith, star wars, the phantom menace, yoda |