Things I Can’t Take Back: my affair with Michael Jordan Cologne


THINGS I CAN’T TAKE BACK

Have you ever done something so lame, so embarrassing, so unbelievably STUPID that you visibly cringe, regardless of where you are and what you’re doing? Lord knows I have. I’ve got a ton of those under my belt. So I figure, why not share those with you? You know, you are my friends and all.

THING I CAN’T TAKE BACK:

MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH MICHAEL JORDAN COLOGNE

Everyone in this picture fell victim to The Love Potion. I really called it that.

Everyone in this picture fell victim to The Love Potion. I really called it that.

(The full confession after the jump)

When my relatives got old enough to shave, my uncle Rob gave all of us Christmas presents of Skin Bracer after shave and a Gillette razor. Thanks to my completely normal development, I was a proud recipient of these items around the age of 6. I was used to the Macauly Culkin burn and the completely subtle fresh scent that $4.19 will get you.

My dad used a substance called Royal Musk that, while it clearly got him laid, was not how I intended to smell when it came to interacting with girls who had, only a few years ago, been absurdly cootie-infested. Skin Bracer wasn’t exactly the magic bullet Uncle Rob had promised either. I wonder what my life would have been like had my 6th grade buddy Adam not possessed a cologne collection that rivaled Brian Fantana’s.

Everyone and their brother had Abercrombie & Fitch. Some people diddled around with Adidas, or even…actually, I don’t know anyone who didn’t wear Abercrombie. There was a guy freshman year who kept it in the cellphone holder of a messenger bag. It’s astonishing my sense of smell survived. I digress. Adam had in his possession a magical potion that made me feel more dangerous than Pierce Brosnan and cooler than Pacey, Michael Jordan Cologne.

7th grade didn’t know what hit it. At each trimester’s dance? I was on fire on the floor. Birthday parties? I was so hot I lit the cake by walking by it. Group dates to see “Night At the Roxbury?” Game, set, match, bitch!

Without your cologne, Mr. Michael Jordan, this picture simply does not happen.

Without your cologne, Mr. Michael Jordan, this picture simply does not happen.

That’s what I kept telling myself.

Now I wasn’t entirely sure how to bring these things up in front of my parents, so like the completely confident and forthcoming boy I was, I promptly bought some from Adam. You have to remember the first one’s free. The next one’s gonna cost you…21 dollars for a half-finished bottle. At the time, it was the best investment I ever made. Now…oh God…

This is still available for 23 dollars. There is no God.

This is still available for 23 dollars. There is no God.

I’m not going to regret this one as much as I probably should. Middle school, and 7th grade in particular, was one of those times that you wish you had the flashy thing from Men In Black and could simply erase. I made so many mistakes and out-and-out gaffes that George W would have simply shook his head and said, “Don’t go outside, kid.”
Once on The MJ, this was staring back at me in the mirror.

Once on The MJ, this was staring back at me in the mirror.

Michael Jordan cologne was like Crystal Pepsi and Magic: The Gathering. It lasted for a little while and you got pretty into it, but we really don’t need to go back there…ever. I freely admit I was a train wreck, and my obsession with MJ C may have lasted a bit too long (I’m now remembering possibly using it in high school and I’m visibly cringing), but that’s behind me and I’m happy to say I can laugh about it now.
My only fear in my climbing years is that some rogue friend will get their hands on it and spray it in my direction, causing sense memories that throw me into a series of horrid flashbacks worse than Jason Borne’s.

Or worse, make me remember that Michael Jordan cologne is AWESOME!

I’m your friend, Woody Tondorf, and I had an extended adolescent love affair with Michael Jordan cologne.

And that’s something I can’t take back. Where did I put my Abercrombie Fierce?

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2 Responses

  1. You are too funny! And your “enabler” does look a bit like Brian Fantana, lol. Sorry I don’t have a scentillating story to top that one! Keep them coming! 🙂

  2. That’s it? At least you got to go to school dances. Then again, other people’s problems are never bigger than our own are they? We can never live down our own vanity can we? Beauty is only skin deep. There is more to life than this.

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