THINGS I CAN’T TAKE BACK
Have you ever done something so lame, so embarrassing, so unbelievably STUPID that you visibly cringe, regardless of where you are and what you’re doing? Lord knows I have. I’ve got a ton of those under my belt. So I figure, why not share those with you? You know, you are my friends and all.
THING I CAN’T TAKE BACK:
MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH MICHAEL JORDAN COLOGNE
(The full confession after the jump)
When my relatives got old enough to shave, my uncle Rob gave all of us Christmas presents of Skin Bracer after shave and a Gillette razor. Thanks to my completely normal development, I was a proud recipient of these items around the age of 6. I was used to the Macauly Culkin burn and the completely subtle fresh scent that $4.19 will get you.
My dad used a substance called Royal Musk that, while it clearly got him laid, was not how I intended to smell when it came to interacting with girls who had, only a few years ago, been absurdly cootie-infested. Skin Bracer wasn’t exactly the magic bullet Uncle Rob had promised either. I wonder what my life would have been like had my 6th grade buddy Adam not possessed a cologne collection that rivaled Brian Fantana’s.
Everyone and their brother had Abercrombie & Fitch. Some people diddled around with Adidas, or even…actually, I don’t know anyone who didn’t wear Abercrombie. There was a guy freshman year who kept it in the cellphone holder of a messenger bag. It’s astonishing my sense of smell survived. I digress. Adam had in his possession a magical potion that made me feel more dangerous than Pierce Brosnan and cooler than Pacey, Michael Jordan Cologne.
7th grade didn’t know what hit it. At each trimester’s dance? I was on fire on the floor. Birthday parties? I was so hot I lit the cake by walking by it. Group dates to see “Night At the Roxbury?” Game, set, match, bitch!
That’s what I kept telling myself.
Now I wasn’t entirely sure how to bring these things up in front of my parents, so like the completely confident and forthcoming boy I was, I promptly bought some from Adam. You have to remember the first one’s free. The next one’s gonna cost you…21 dollars for a half-finished bottle. At the time, it was the best investment I ever made. Now…oh God…
Or worse, make me remember that Michael Jordan cologne is AWESOME!
I’m your friend, Woody Tondorf, and I had an extended adolescent love affair with Michael Jordan cologne.
And that’s something I can’t take back. Where did I put my Abercrombie Fierce?
Filed under: comedy, Essays, Things I can't take back | Tagged: abercrombie, brian fantana, cologne, crystal pepsi, high school, magic: the gathering, michael jordan, michael jordan cologne, middle school, night at the roxbury, sex panther, Things I can't take back, woody tondorf |