Every Guy’s Thoughts When Playing Expert Level Guitar on Rock Band

Gotta get the guitar that matches your belt
This party is kickin’! I had no idea Tony had such a sweet place…oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even know Tony. But this place is sweet. Ultra-modern glass and steel with that IKEA curvy metal thing on the wall is so cool. This stuff is timeless, man.
 Wait. Are they setting up ROCK BAND? Fuck yes! They’re gonna turn the music down and they’re going to make everyone feel awkward if they don’t come and watch! This is it! My “dare to be great” moment! I’m totally going to hook up tonight. I can feel it.
I really slay it at home when I play Guitar Hero…I should really jump into this. Wait. Wait wait wait. Am I sober enough? I’ve had like, what, six drinks…what should I have—RED BULL! That’s it! Get that goddamn beer out of my face, Ryan! How dare you get in the way of my rock and roll destiny!
Ok, play it cool. Don’t grab a guitar right away, you’re gonna look desperate.
            Hey, are you guys gonna play some Rock Band?
            (You’re gonna play some fucking Rock Band.)
I wonder if they have any house rules? I bet you they have the singer choose the song. Like they have to do anything. It’s basically karaoke at this point, which is seriously like the easiest thing ever. If I’m going to shred it on expert, I should have a say in this. 
What are you trying to pick here, singer? “Ace of Spades?” WHAT?
Let me guess, you’ve got some rage you want to get out after you lost that beer pong game. No one wants to hear you shouting like a hoarse pee Wee football coach. The moment you play “Ace of Spades” people are going to start looking at their watches and then I can’t mack on some sweet strange. Besides, “Ace of Spades” is really hard. 
Practice makes perfect. Being legendary is 24/7

Practice makes perfect. Being legendary is 24/7

 NOW you’re talking! “Living on a Prayer!” You’re finally getting it, singer-with-scarf. Rock Band at a party is the alternate ipod, and therefore, our song selection must be both awesome and competently played. I’m glad we have a black guy on drums.
Wow, girl with halter top is really going to play bass on easy. I can’t imagine anything simpler. Playing bass on easy is like making cereal. There’s literally not a single person who can’t do it. At least you won’t mess it up, and you’re going to make my hard core difficulty all the more legendary.
Yeah, you amateurs and gawkers! I’m playing guitar on expert! You don’t have to react, I know you’re fucking impressed. Never mind that I’m facing the TV and I can’t see your faces. I feel your amazement.
Cake. Total cake. God, I’m so good at this. See what I did with my pinkie there, cute blonde in tube top? Think about that. Just you think about it. I wonder if the singer will mind if we do that back-to-back thing that Mick Jagger and Keith Richardson do all the time so we sing together?
Yeesh. Ok, I get it. You don’t have to shove.
I’m doing really well! I sound great! Man, I guess I do a much better job when I’m kinda wasted. I’ve really got it going on, I bet I could play a guitar for real after all the Rock Band I’ve played. I heard if you’re an expert on drums, you’re pretty awesome at drums in real life. I bet that’s true on a real guitar. I wonder if someone here has a real guitar.
I should start a real band. It was be really cool, and then we could open a bar with our record sales.
…my hand, and we’ll make it I swearrrrr!!! Whooooo-aaahhhh! Livin’ on a prayerrr!
Shit, I missed the “Livin’ on a Prayer” drunk litmus test. Remember when the next chorus comes on to scan all the girls here. Anyone who’s belting out the chorus is always drunk and will be willing to perform oral sex on my expert legendary guitar skills. Always.
I would have gotten so much ass in the 80’s.

what do you mean, "there's no one here?"

what do you mean, "there's no one here?"

Soloooooo! Jesus, this is going faster than I thought. Oh no. Ohnononononooooo! Phew, got that back at the last second. What the fuck are you look at, easy bassist?
WOW. Everyone at this party must be drunk. I think my eardrums are bleeding from that last, “Whoa!” Not bad, singer-dude, I—

Oh, no way. He’s got girls hanging all over him! So what if he’s that Shia guy from “Transformers?!” I’m playing GUITAR ON EXPERT! I need to do a move or something…like jumping up and sticking out my tongue and kicking my feet! Yeah!
That was an ugly coffee table anyway. Thank God Tony’s not around. I’m gonna blame that one on Ryan.
Go crazy at the end!!! Go fucking nuts! Yeah! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH…oh dammit, here comes the end or I don’t get the bonus, where the hell have I put my fingers…NAILED IT! You all saw that! I freaking stuck that landing like a 14 year old Chinese chick!
90% on expert. Most gutsy. You’re welcome, 117 Gondor Ave. So long, Lebouf! He’s not driving, is he? Whatever.
Ok, who’s next for another round of the magic? Ohhhh step right up, sassy lady singer! We can perform a duet somewhere more private after this if you—
            No. I will not play Alanis Morrisette.

7 Responses

  1. :O I never got into guitar hero though xD but played the first game. And then didn’t play any more games on GH xD BUT AWSOME DUDE !! YAAY 😀

  2. FIRST!

  3. best part:

    Oh, no way. He’s got girls hanging all over him! So what if he’s that Shia guy from “Transformers?!” I’m playing GUITAR ON EXPERT! I need to do a move or something…like jumping up and sticking out my tongue and kicking my feet! Yeah!

    love this! so true! its the same thing when you go to best buy or something- just without everyone wasted…

    loved that you moved your blog to wordpress and away from facebook. thank Lord.

  4. Ahhh, so true. Rock Band will always create a dynamic like that. I loved the very end… “No. I will not play Alanis Morrisette.”

  5. i think you’re paid by the FBI. and i’m in full support of it if it results in analysis like this.

  6. a man of many tallents, of course including shredding the gnar on the (virtual) guit-box. I guess I’m not surprised, but its funny to think of people I haven’t seen in so long having the same experiences somewhere else

  7. oh god LOL

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