by Smee Hoskins
My pirate brethren, I have served under our notorious and able leader, Captain James T. Hook, for several years. Over the years that we have endured the Pirate/Lost Boys conflict, I have performed Captain Hook’s every whim and undergone myriad tasks. With an intimate knowledge of Hook’s adventures and plans, I have come to a realization:
This guy’s a fucking pirate? Are you fucking kidding me?
How long have we been fighting these happy-thought pip squeaks? Years? Are you serious? What have we actually done on this God forsaken island? The only really interesting thing that’s happened is Hook getting the ultimate hand job from the Crock! THIS douchebag still leads us to battle?
I don’t know when was the last time Hook had a “State of the conflict” talk with you salty dogs, but let me just break it down for you. We are pirates. Grown-ass men. With swords. And guns. They are…? Children! Motherfucking KIDS!
What does Hook do? Dress like a pimp and wear wigs. I don’t know how to tell you guys this, so I’ll just say it: Hook writes poetry and plays the harpsichord. I know it’s hard to see a limp wrist when it’s a hook, but just think about it for two seconds.
In the entire history of this conflict, we’ve killed one kid. Remember Rufio? Hook stuck that Good Charlotte wannabe good, and those tit suckers shut right up. They think this is a game! We’ve got goddamn cannons! Let’s go to that hippie tree colony and put some heavy ordnance on them! Enjoy your primitive skate park, infants, here’s twenty cannons of lead balls in your face.
But does Hook do anything? No! He obsesses over a goddamn Crocodile! It’s not like it’s hard to find! It’s the only dark spot under the water that ticks! Seriously, if some of you would stop beating off to Tiger Lily, we could rally up some scallywags and have a pretty kick ass barbeque.
So things don’t look so swell, but I’m blaming management. I know, I shouldn’t be rocking the Jolly Roger, but this is bullshit. One last time: we’re fighting children with NO education AND no weapons, while we have guns, swords, and about three feet/hundred plus pounds. They’re still alive HOW? James T. Hook’s gotta go. I just heard about this new guy named Sparrow. He seems like a real go-getter.