I Think Lord Vader Is Gay

Letters From Dagobah: Written comedy from the Star Wars universe.

“I think Lord Vader is gay.”

What, you think WE designed these uniforms?

From: Lt. Preston Cole, Imperial Navy, Executor bridge crew

To: Lt. George Grant, Imperial Navy, Engineering

Subject: Check around before you open this.

First things first: You cheated yesterday in whack-a-Jawa. You know it. I know it.

He's not even LOOKING at her!

I’ve been on the bridge of the Executor for a few months now, and you know I’ve had plenty of piss-your-pants moments with Lord Vader. For a seven-foot tall asthmatic that can’t walk properly, he sneaks up on me more than I’d care to admit. Vader’s terrifying: he enslaves planets, he slaughtered legions of Wookiees, and he chokes dudes by thinking about it.

The lady officers and the dark groupies around here love that stuff. The black suit, all those hours silently staring out into space, the mass murders, it’s gold. It works. I have seen girls actually throw themselves at his black meditation egg. Granted, they’re instantly evaporated by the chamber’s security system, but I think that’s an indication of how badly ladies want to get underneath that suit. He can get out of that thing, right?

But here’s the thing: for all the females in our military who are positively moist by his history of violence, none of them have bedded the Darth Vader, and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s not like it’s forbidden; remember when Emperor Palpatine broadcasted his sex tape…well, remember when we were forced to watch that? If an eleventy-billion year old guy with a face like melted silly putty can pull three barely legal Togrutas and a surprisingly flexible Mandalorian, what exactly is holding Vader back?

Darth Vader has to be gay.

Han Solo to Lando: “Not a scratch, you said!”

Another entry from “Letters From Dagobah.”

In happier times.

Hey Lando,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to see you in person. Things got a little bit nuts right after the battle and the Ewoks insisted on throwing a little BBQ. One drink turned into about seven or thirteen, and then her royal highness-of-no-existing-planet starts giving me the business, blah blah blah…let’s just say I’m not so scruffy-lookin’ no more.

(I’m saying I hit it.)

Pay up, Antilles!

Who’s the CHICK?!

Another entry in “Letters from Dagobah”

Hand check, Jedi chaser.

To: General Anakin Skywalker
From: Senator Padme Amidala, Naboo delegation
Subject: Who’s the CHICK?

Hello “darling,”

Let me get this straight: I don’t see you for months because you’re “fighting the separatists,” I risk life and limb to keep you from getting dropped into a Rancor pit, and the next time I see you, you’re playing grab ass across the galaxy with a piece of Togruta jail bait?!? This is a joke, right?