Dear Ms. Emily Elizabeth Howard,
I’m Scott Tungsten with the Birdwell Island Animal Safety board. It has come to our attention (and frankly I’m embarrassed that we missed this for so long) that two years ago you and your parents went to purchase a puppy. You, like any small child, picked the runt of the litter. This runt inexplicably grew into a twenty-five foot tall red dog you named “Clifford.”
Your diligent neighbor Horace Bleakman informed us of the monstrosity after your animal was chasing a ball and destroyed his rose garden, mailbox, and western half of the Bleakman home.