Baby, you know I love you. You also know how much I love video games. Sure, we play the odd console game now and then, but I know sometimes you think I put plug and play over…well, you get the idea. So to let you know how I truly feel about you, I’ve written you a love letter. It’s written in the blood of all the Covenant/Helghast/minions of Olympus that stood in my way to you.
1. I will always pause the game when you want to talk…about something besides about how incredible I am at dispatching Nazi zombies with impunity.
2. You can use my gamertag…just please use your own on Halo 3, Modern Warfare 2, NCAA ’11, or any other game my buddy Keith is particularly good at. Long story short, he caught me in a lie before I met you.
3. I promise I will never let you win in Mario Kart Wii.
4. When playing Co-op, you get first choice of the power-ups…but let me have the rocket launcher. It just takes a more delicate touch and there’s, like, no ammo for it on this map.
more after the jump!
5. Playing as Tails is degrading and I know that now.
6. You get first pick of Rock Band/Guitar Hero songs. No, I don’t know how the entire No Doubt catalog was deleted.
7. I promise I will never call Lara Croft hot again, but you’ve GOT to let me pursue the romance option with Miranda in Mass Effect 2. I’m aware she looks kind of like your mom.
8. Your Mii is beautiful and looks exactly like you.
9. Gears of War is totally over-the-top gore and not exhilarating. Little Big Planet is completely adorable and not at all creepy.
10. You can drive the Warthog/getaway car/plane.
11. You can trade in some of my first person shooters so you can buy Viva Pinata. May I suggest anything developed by Treyarch?
12. I swear talking about your DS meant your Nintendo portable system.
13. I was not looking at pictures of Jessica Chobot. I was searching for PSP deals.
14. I won’t tell anyone about how much you laughed during “No Russian.”
15. Role Playing Games are strictly for the living room, but we’ve still gotta talk about that time you called me, “My Edward.”
16. I did not beat Resident Evil 5 just to unlock that outfit for Sheva Alomar.
17. I’ll keep the toilet seat down when you stop your damn Zerg rushes.
18. I love you more than:
DLC, Sonic sequels after Genesis, Rock Band drums, smgs, Tom Clancy games that don’t start with “Tom Clancy’s,” Flight simulators, Star Wars games not made by Bioware, Luigi, the Princess, Zelda, Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty, Ashley Williams, camping as a strategy, Wii shooters, God of War III, Halo 3: ODST, and even sunsets over Mexico in Red Dead Redemption…
…Just give me 10 more minutes, ok? I’ve almost got this boss down.
Got another proof of how deep your gamer love is? Add it in the comments!
Filed under: comedy, Essays, video games Tagged: | gamer love letter, girlfriends, halo 3, hot, lara croft, love, mario kart wii, mass effect 2, miranda lawson, modern warfare 2, no russian, red dead redemption, sheva alomar, sonic, tails, video games, woody tondorf