Some Red Dead Redemption humor for you lovers, jokers, and thieves,
John Marston Ruins Our Poker Games.
Hey, barefoot Mexican peasant girl! Another whiskey over here! Gracias and such. Nothing goes better with 90 degree dry heat than a warm whiskey.
I am on a roll today! I’ve won at least $40 from the guy in the sombrero and this Landon Ricketts character. Seriously, Ricks, you need to drop the Sam Elliott tribute ‘stache and lighten up. You’re melting in this Mexican sun, sir.
I call. There’s no way you can make that straight with–
Oh son of a bitch.
Is that John Marston? AGAIN? Christ, he smells like cougar and trail dust. Take a bath, friend. I know you just rented a place in Chuparosa, but were the apartments with wash basins THAT much more expensive?
No, sit next to me. I don’t mind.
Terrific, he’s wearing that “Elegant suit,” like we don’t know he wears it to hide a spare card. This is the fourth time he’s sat down at this table looking like a poor man’s Doc Holiday. Every time he wears the cheating suit some new guy catches him stealing a card and calls him out on it in front of everyone, which is of course an affront to his honor and the only natural way to settle a verbal altercation is to shoot each other in the middle of the town.
Hey John, how ’bout we just stop the game right now, you can plug the guy in the sombrero six times in the chest, we agree you’re a badass, and I can stay up forty bucks? How does that sound, partner?
Do you know how many times we’ve shot someone on account of poker before you got here? Zip. Zero. You’ve bumped our card-related homicide rate up by 400%. More importantly, you have an uncanny knack for cheating when I’m up BIG.
I NEED THIS, JOHN! Some of us can’t go jumping on trains or shooting Federales or galloping after cougars! I’m an accountant in the Wild West! This is how I relax! Stop killing the only people in this town who know how to play cards!
Great, you’re cheating again. Maybe you’d get away with it if you didn’t act like you had Parkinson’s every time you tried to slip a card into your vest.
Sombrero guy just caught you. I can see it. Maybe I can mentally signal him that he can take half my chips if he doesn’t–Nope, he just mistook my subtle gesture as support to shoot Mr. 4 for 4. Maybe Sombrero guy will notice the scars on your face or the multitude of firearms you carry and not challenge you to–
Nope. Wrong again. These Mexicans really get heated about cards. Wow John, it’s really surprising how quickly you got up and walked right to the spot you always shoot people from. Another perfectly nice poker game ruined.
I got 40 on Marston.