Letters From Dagobah: What’s a Jedi gotta do to get laid around here?

 

Come out with us tonight or I'm telling the padawans that you stalk their myspace.

From: Jacen Solo

To: Ben Skywalker

SUBJECT: Dude, we gotta get laid tonight.

What up, hutt?

You like that? We gotta start calling each other “hutt.” We’ll be so street. Listen, dude, this day is draggin’. It’s like mid-day and Master Katarn is crawling up my ass. I’ve got about one more hour of looking at star charts before I go Order 66 up in this piece…too soon?

 

Look at you! You were born to slay broads...and Sith.

Anyway, I’m thinking we need to blow off some steam. Whaddaya say ‘round quittin’ time we take my dad’s shuttle, get our boys together, and hit up the Cantina for some Correlian Ale Bombs? Jedi, please! It’ll be awesome.

Lemme tell you something else: we’re getting some strange tonight. Katarn’s been teaching me how to really use the Force, and this “mind trick” stuff might be incredible. We start making some moves on the dance floor, find a weak-minded girlie and with just a wave of the finger, THIS is the droid you’ve been looking for, you know what I’m sayin’? Don’t be a douche like you were last time with that whole, “A Jedi cannot love” stuff; I told you before: we don’t love them hoes!

 

It's cool. You can say it: I'm awesome.

 

 

Sorry, it’s just that we’ve all been stressed with this whole, “gotta protect the galaxy and live up to our fathers’ legacy” mess. Come on, dude, we can build incredible weapons that can cut pretty much any matter in creation, but we can’t take a thing of beauty back to the academy and make the jump to hyperlove? I just reread that sentence, and even I thought it was lame, but you get my point, bro.

 

If you play that Asher Roth song, I'm taking out my lightsaber.

 

 

So grab some of your boys and let’s rock out tonight! If you know of any lady padawans that want to party, holler at them them, too. You know the Solo loves all race, species, and creed. I even got a buddy who might have the hook-up for some Death Sticks. It’s gonna be the best night EVER.

God, I hope they play Justin Timberlake.

 

You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villanry...better wear a rubber.

Holler!
JS